I have been reading once again the book, Bonds That Make Us Free by C. Terry Warner. This is the third time I have read this
book. It is just that type of book that
you need to read over and over again. It’s
that concept; if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.
Here is part of the description for the book so you have an
idea why I have been guided to read it again.
“Bonds That Make Us Free is a ground-breaking
book that suggests the remedy for our troubling emotions by addressing their
root causes. You'll learn how, in ways we scarcely suspect, we are responsible
for feelings like anger, envy, and insecurity that we have blamed on others. Even though we fear to admit this, it is good
news. If we produce these emotions, it falls within our power to stop them. But
we have to understand our part in them far better than we do, and that is what
this remarkable book teaches.”
I have an example and a direct answer to prayers regarding what I’m
learning from this book. I have been
prompted to share this with you as recorded in my journal.
Maleah, our youngest daughter, has struggled to eat a well
balanced meal from a very young age. She
loves to snack on “junk” food throughout the day, but when it comes to meal
time she plays with her food, cutting it in tiny pieces spreading it all over
her plate so it may look less than it was to begin with. When we force her to try something, later I
will find that she had spit it out in her napkin. We feel she is being stubborn, defiant and
quite possibly trying to make our lives difficult.
As parents we want our children to be healthy and
strong. We know eating a well balanced
meal is the answer. So you can imagine
this has been a real struggle for us and we have tried just about any method
suggested to us without success. I am
her mother, I prepare her food, and therefore, I am responsible, right?
I’ve exhausted my efforts and decided I was helpless to
change the way Maleah is eating. I have
made it a matter of sincere, humble prayer to know what the Lord wants me to do
to ensure Maleah is healthy.
I am at the chapter in the book where it teaches about allowing people to become real to us changes our perspective and our
attitude and behavior toward them.
Yesterday after dinner I was at the sink rinsing my
plate. Maleah was left at the table
still attempting to eat. Out of the blue
Maleah asked me, “Mom, what is one thing you don’t like about yourself?”
I paused for a second in an utter stupor as to why she would
ask that and what should be my response.
I had an answer come quickly because the thing I don’t like about myself
has been forefront on my mind and hence the reading of this book for the third
time. I responded, “ the thing I don’t
like about myself is how I treat dad and how I react to him”.
Granted Boyd is out of town or I’m certain that would not have
been my public response.
I didn’t see the reaction on Maleah’s face because out of
sheer embarrassed and shame I didn’t look up from what I was doing.
Shortly after I heard her voice, “the thing I don’t like
about myself is that I can’t understand why I don’t like to eat”.
I looked up from what I was doing and saw tears forming
in her eyes. My heart immediately felt a
stir, a change, a softening. It’s hard
to describe. I knew in that second I was
looking at my daughter with new eyes.
She became real to me.
I immediately stopped doing dishes and I went to her. She met me half way and threw herself into my
arms hiding her tear streaked face in my shoulder.
I can’t remember everything I said to her but I do remember
telling her that I was sorry she felt that way and that I loved her very much
regardless of whether she eats or not. I
told her “that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know how you feel right now and
they weep when you weep. They want to
help you overcome those things you don’t like about yourself. How about in your personal prayers you ask
Him what you should do to overcome your fear, anxiety or whatever it is that is
stopping you from eating”.
She really perked up when I mentioned that. I continued to hold her and kiss her sweet
cheek as my heart melted in my chest.
I had no idea that she had been struggling inside. I had no idea that she didn’t like that about
herself. My eyes had been darkened and could
only see her outside appearance as being rebellious and carefree. Now I was free to see her more clearly.
I felt a new bond between us that was not there before. By her opening up and being true and honest
my heart was able to change and soften towards her. What melted my heart was the sight of my
daughter broken and contrite. This image
cracked the hardened shell of my self-concern for her. It disrupted the certainty with which I had
judged her.
When she became more real to me, I became a more “real”
person – more open and responsive to her outside of myself being her mom.
Seeing another’s helplessness and vulnerability can do this
to us. To realize that behind an
indifferent or arrogant façade another person is struggling just to claim a
place in the world, a place she does not really believe she deserves. This blows our superior attitude to
smithereens.
Reconsidering Maleah I could see how big a part I had played
in any problems between us and that her part in them had depended heavily on
mine.
In reality, we have plenty of opportunities that are able to
soften and humble us and open our fearful, judgmental, hardened hearts. Whether those realities have that effect
depends upon our opening ourselves to them.
What softened my heart was not merely learning new
information. Information can affect us
only to the extent that we allow it. In
order for the truth about a person to affect us, we must be receptive. We must have eyes to see.
I had been praying asking what I could do for her. I opened my heart willing to receive and do whatever
He asked of me. He lovingly provided a
way for me to see her as He sees her.
What I do with this new information is up to me.
All the willpower I could muster had failed to extinguish my
accusations in my heart. Yet the simple
truth, something about her, set me FREE and I no longer retain hardness toward
her any longer.
