Where does your faith lie?

I have been struggling.  Struggling because I took a beautiful plan of Heavenly Father’s and made it my own.

I am grateful for the inspiration that Heavenly Father gave me a couple weeks ago in the temple, that this trial of Dad suffering with cancer is a test of our faith. 

I have had to ask myself these questions?  Is my faith strong enough to know with certainty that Jesus Christ CAN remove the cancer and stop the suffering?  I have read and know of the many miracles of such recoveries during Christ’s ministry on earth.  I believe there is enough proof written in scriptures that He CAN heal ALL wounds.  Do I believe Christ removed Dad’s cancer before or was it the doctors?  Was the Lord providing proof in His power more personal to me than in scripture stories?  Yet, I thought faith doesn't need proof?  Was He strengthening my faith through the previous episodes for this greater trial?  Is my faith strong enough to trust in God’s plan that Dad may not survive this time?

Heavenly Father asked me to enlist the faith of my entire family as our father suffers through cancer. I believed that meant that since Heavenly Father gave me that inspiration that He was expecting me to help each of my family members to have greater faith.  I admit that has caused me to suffer. 

I questioned my ability.  I questioned why me?  I questioned how and where to begin?  I feared I wouldn't be able to teach about faith when it’s obvious I have failed teaching my own children.

Therefore, because of fear, I have hid myself. 

After much praying and fasting asking Heavenly Father what He wants me to do, today it became clear that my faith has been in the wrong person.  Listen to my questions?  They are all about ME!  My faith was centered selfishly on what I should, could, would do to bring our family together and help our father. 

I took Heavenly Father’s beautiful plan that through this trial of our faith we would each have an opportunity to turn to Him and trust in Him for peace and comfort and instead I made it personal about me.

I CAN’T strengthen your faith.  I CAN’T force anyone to trust in the Lord during difficult times.  I can’t!  Yet, I know WHO can and I still forget.

The funny and embarrassing thing is I know you weren't asking me to and I now know that Heavenly Father wasn't asking me to either.  

I think the Lord gives us our agency to rely on someone else’s faith or even our own strengths for a period of time during our lives, yet there comes a time when we need to establish our own personal and individual faith in Jesus Christ.  And Heavenly Father gives us trials to test where our faith lies?  Our time is now!  Who do you have faith in?