Learn Heaven

Last night I attended the Pathway program institute class.   I didn’t enroll in the program yet I have been attending as a visitor because I enjoy learning from the Book of Mormon and from the amazing teacher. 

The discussion was on the life of Jesus Christ and all he accomplished during his visit to the American continent. 

I can’t remember exactly how, however, the responses spurred up a discussion of feeling “burned out”.  One sister expressed how all the pressure from school, work, and home is causing her to burn out and she wonders if she can carry on.

I waited for several comments, but the yearning to speak up kept coming.  So I finally raised my hand and I said something like this, “listening to your comments has brought back memories of when I was your age.  I didn’t realize at the time, but for most of my life I felt I needed to “earn my way to heaven”.  I worked hard at everything I did.  I took on more and more things as if to prove my worth.  I even involved my family in more and more things because they reflected me.  But keeping up that appearance of, ‘I can do it all’ was killing me physically and mentally.  I wasn’t feeling any closer to my Heavenly Father by doing it all.” 

I didn’t really know what to say next.  All I could say was.  “I know what the scriptures have told us regarding ‘God’s rest’, because I am finally living with Him in my life and it's restful.” 

I wasn’t content with what I said.  I felt there was so much more I could elaborate on as to how I was able to find God’s peace and rest.

So, on the way home and lying in bed, I kept thinking of what I should have… could have said that would have made more of an impact.  How I could have helped them more.

This morning I received a new book on my Kindle from Brad Wilcox, titled “The Continuous Conversion”.  I forgot I had pre-ordered it so I was excited to have something new to read while I walked on the treadmill.

From the very beginning he talks about the exact thing that was discussed at institute class and I again was reminded of all that I have felt and known to be true, yet just fail to find the right words when needed.

Br. Wilcox put it this way, “True conversion occurs when we stop trying to earn heaven and start trying to learn it.”

“We are learning heaven.  As we take each little step to show faith, repent, make and live covenants, seek the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end, we are not paying our way into heaven.  We are practicing for it.”

“If the whole goal is just to be with God, why did we leave?  We were with Him, but we were also painfully aware that we were not like Him physically or spiritually.  We were willing to enter mortality because we knew that through the Atonement we could learn to be like Him.  One of the miracles of the Atonement is not just that we can go home, but that we can feel at home there.”

“Conversion occurs when we stop focusing so much on earning the hereafter but instead reexamine what we are really here after.  Conversion deepens as we understand the purposes and power of God and recognize how freely He offers His help.  This knowledge gives us the reasons we must go through so much and the ability to endure without giving up.”

Those quotes are just a few that I highlighted in the first chapter of Brad Wilcox’s new book.   I read all these amazing words and I envy the way people can put their testimony into words and have the courage to share it. 

I struggle greatly to share even though I do have a desire to teach what I have learned and how that knowledge has changed me.

I have spent the past several years learning and gaining knowledge, why am I not able to speak freely about what I learned?  Why can’t I teach and write like so many others that I just love learning from?  Why couldn’t I say what I really knew and felt last night.  Why do I fear the spoken words have to come out perfect or else don’t speak them which is what I always choose to do, is keep silent?  Why do I feel the words out of my mouth represent me instead of who planted those thoughts and truth in me?

Instead, I keep repeating in my head what I SHOULD have said.

A sweet and comforting thought came to my mind.  “Tresa, you are still learning, conversion is a continual process”.  It was very humbling to hear.  As I heard those words, I finished that thought with my own words, “I’m still a student learning, therefore, I am not a teacher yet”. 

I want to be a teacher.  I want to share with others how the power of God’s love and Christ’s Atonement has changed my life.

In that institute class I was surrounded by people all under the age of 30.  If I knew then at their age what I know now at my age of 42, my life would have been…..simpler.  

Oh, how I yearn to share my testimony and help others.

After I finished my work out on the treadmill, I immediately got down on my knees and I shared my desire with Heavenly Father.  I apologized for not sharing more of what I felt and what I have learned with those around me.  I expressed my gratitude for His sweet reminder that I am still learning and that my conversion will continue step by step. 

I believe Heavenly Father is reminding me of a couple things.  First is patience.  The second thing is that it’s not about me. 

When I want to speak or I’m asked to speak, it’s not about how eloquent the words come out so I can prove myself and my knowledge.   If I’m only speaking up in class to receive approval and acceptance, then I’m not saying anything worth listening to.  I am not the work that is on display.  He is.

I have been humbled.

Ronald Samuel Dean A "Giant" of a Man

I am on my flight home from McCall, Idaho; the town I call home, the town where my father’s body was laid to rest in the cold winter ground just two days ago.

I am sitting in the middle seat of the plane with empty seats on both sides of me.  I have never felt so alone.

I miss my Daddy!

The days following my father’s death were filled with planning and organizing.  We had a funeral to plan, a life sketch and an obituary to write, travel arrangements to organize and decisions that I never thought I would have to make.  This “busyness” filled practically every minute of the days before his funeral.

It’s hard not to feel guilty as some moments of planning were filled with laughter.  We were reminiscing and telling stories of dad and the laughter overcame us.  At the time, the laughter felt like it was healing.  Yet, now I can’t seem to find any reason to laugh.

My heart only wants to ache.

The thought of my father’s still, lifeless body buried beneath the cold frozen soil has left a void in my life.  An empty spot that I know nothing or no one can fill.

My sister and I visited his resting spot in the ground today before I left to return to Texas.  Fresh brown dirt covers the rectangular spot surrounded by piles of white snow.  My heart urged me to get down on my knees and start to dig.  I wanted to find him.  I want to lie next to him like I did so many times while I was caring for him during his final days. 

I would listen to his sporadic breathing as his spirit was fighting for life in a body that was taking it.

I know about the Plan of Salvation.  I know my father’s body and spirit will be reunited at the Second Coming of our Lord.  I know I will see my father again and be reunited for all eternity.  I have been given a glimpse of his mission in the spirit world; so why?  Why do I struggle to let him go?  Things will never be the same.  I don’t want to accept that.

I don’t have to let go, do I?  Why does my mind tell me I have to let go so my heart will stop hurting?

The memories of my dad will never cease.  The love I feel for my father will never die.

My husband was there at the airport to pick me up when I arrived back in Texas.  He and my two sons came for the funeral.  They were only there one full day and that was the day of the viewing, the funeral, the burial and the family luncheon.  There was no time that day to barely even talk to my husband.  

We finally have time together and he starts asking me questions on the ride home.  Questions about my mother, questions about my father’s last days, questions that I could only muster a short response.   

My mind wanted to tell him to “stop asking questions” because it hurts.  I suppressed the urge to tell him to quit, I took a deep breath, and my heart was reminded that “he was hurting too”.  I forgot that my husband lost a fishing companion, a skiing buddy, a fellow hiker, a father-n-law and a friend.

He must have felt my pain because the questioning ceased and it was silent the rest of the way home.  

Why does it hurt so much now to talk about my Dad?

My sister told me before I left that “we must always remember him”.  She said, “Dad would want us to talk about him to remember him”.

How can I ever forget him?  He was my daddy, my father, my protector, my provider, my spiritual advisor, my hero, my friend.

May I share him with you? 

This is the life sketch we, my mom and siblings, wrote together that my brother read at his funeral.

Our father, Ron Dean, was born on Oct. 20^th 1938 to Leatha and Adrion Dean.  He was the 6^th of 10 children and grew up in North Ogden, Utah.  He graduated from Weber State College with a bachelor’s degree in Education.

He served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the Central States mission.  He always loved to serve others and continued to serve many people in many ways throughout his life. 

Dad and Mom were married and sealed for all eternity in the Salt Lake Temple in September 1963.  (This year they would have celebrated their 50^th wedding anniversary)  Their wedding day was extra special because both mom’s parents and dad’s parents were also sealed to each other this same day.  

They had seven children, Debra, James, Tina, Tresa, Cory, Troy, and David; as well as 6 foster children over the years; and they now have 22 grandchildren and 1 great grandchild.

Dad loved variety and adventure in life so he wore many hats during his working years.  He taught school in McCall, Council and also in Nogales, AZ; a mile from the border of Mexico.  He worked as a Hot Shot crew leader at the Burgdorf Ranger Station, a logging truck driver, a bank assistant manager, a hospital administrator, an escrow officer, a realtor, a carpet cleaner, and a maintenance man for Aspen Village Condominiums.

Dad worked hard at whatever he did throughout his career and he made sure he did it well; and most importantly to him, he became friends with many people along the way.

One of Dad’s first and favorite jobs was spending a summer on a fire lookout at 10,000 feet elevation overlooking the Sawtooth and Whitecloud mountains near Stanley, Idaho.  Later in life, after hearing that U.S. Forest Service planned to demolish this lookout, Dad volunteered to restore and maintain it so that future generations could enjoy the beauty that he enjoyed there.  There were many scouts and family who had the privilege of hiking into the lookout and participating in this effort with him.

Photo by Greg Stahl

Dad loved being in the outdoors!  During the last few years, Dad packed thousands of fingerling fish into many local alpine lakes to restock them for future fishermen. 

Dad loved the scouting program and was a scout leader many times over the years.  He taught a lot of boys to love and respect the outdoors.  He lead scout troops from many parts of the state to alpine lakes that he loved and enjoyed so much.  Dad was awarded the Silver Beaver scouting award for over 36 years of dedicated service to the scouting program.

Dad also extended his service to the communities in which we resided.  He was often involved in wood-cutting projects, snow-removal projects, cooking at community breakfasts, organizing parades, building snow sculptures, launching rockets, and many others.  He was awarded ‘Man of the Year’ from the Chamber of Commerce for his exemplar service to the community of Council.

Dad's woodpile shows his character

Dad loved to ski, snowshoe, and snowmobile in the winter and he loved to hike, fish and hunt the rest of the year.  Dad has hiked to 100s of different Alpine lakes in the Idaho mountains and has introduced hundreds of scouts, friends, and family members to many of these beautiful areas.

Dad had cancer surgery last May to remove a melanoma tumor in his lung.  Despite the loss of one lobe of his lung, he was still able to hike to eight lakes this past summer to stock fish and also took a trip to the back country of Alaska with my husband where he brought home a supply of salmon, rockfish and halibut.

Unfortunately, melanoma cancer struck again this Fall and this time it spread vigorously and by the end of January it was apparent that the only treatments available were unable stop the spread and destruction of this cancer.

Dad has left us with so many memories besides those that have already been mentioned.  We thought we would share a list of some of our favorites that I’m sure many of you have shared as well:

Building a backyard playground of swings of every kind, zip-lines, trails and a tree house for all to enjoy

Dad many years ago

Dad 2 years ago getting a good start from the ladder

Building and launching model rockets

Searching for and retreiving model rockets

Maintaining sledding runs at his place and inviting everyone to enjoy day or night

Showing others his favorite fishing holes, whether it was a 5 minute walk or a death defying climb

Picking huckleberries and sharing his famous huckleberry shakes

Photo by Rob Hilton

Sharing his hard earned gardening secrets including how to grow some of the best raspberry bushes around

Elk photos, deer photos, fox photos….more elk photos, deer photos, fox photos and an occasional picture of a grandchild

Fishing and hiking in Polyester Pants

Homemade Rocking Horses

Slingshot wars

Homemade Leather belts & moccasins

Duct tape Mechanics

Decorating with glued together puzzles

 “Secret” lakes that he takes everyone to

The nickname Chipmunk which was given to him when he drove logging trucks

Four Course Campfire Breakfasts

Hash brown potatoes with cheese

Bananas, Bananas and dried bananas

Never Sitting Still….our “Energizer Bunny”

John Wayne Movies and pictures with his life-sized John Wayne stand up

Cross country bushwhacking even when there is a trail

Dutch oven cooking

Fishing here, fishing there, fishing, fishing EVERYWHERE

Pegs and Jokers
Elephant ball rolling game

Never Lost, just misplaced for a short time

Snow caves

“Just one more ski run”

Ladder Ball game also known as red neck golf

Horseshoes and croquet

Sourdough pancakes

Scrapbook pages of deer, elk, bear and fish and occasionally a grandchild

Successful blooming Amaryllis

Campfire S’mores

Planting and pressing wildflowers

Nerf guns

Blackberry picking in Riggins

Canoeing…..

 ……..and last but not least

Its just over the next hill…its just 1 more mile…its  just over the next ridge

Dad celebrated his love of life and love of God’s beautiful creations with everyone he knew.  

Mom kept a little notebook next to her bed and she would write down her thoughts as they came to her at night.  One recent entry she wrote the following about her beloved Ron, “I’m thankful to my Father in Heaven that He let us be together into what they call the Golden Years, because it’s when all the pressures of life have passed and when you really learn to love each other, with a love that will last forever.”

At my Dad's funeral we had a display of his handcrafted scrapbook for everyone to look at.  Have you ever known a man to scrapbook?  He enjoyed it and did a great job.

He was also known for his rocket building and launching.  It's been a tradition in McCall that on the 4th of July dad would launch several of his rockets.  The ward created a letter and plaque that was presented to him about 2 weeks ago. 

Plaque for Ron Dean: "In Appreciation of your Decades of Selfless Service to the Community of McCall, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and to the The Boy Scouts of America" The plaque was to honor him for all his service he has done for so many.

In addition to the plaque was a letter.

"To the Ron Dean Family,
It is no secret that Ron has always felt deeply his gift and responsibility to affect the lives around him, especially those of young men, by teaching the simplest and most important of gospel values.
He has been drawn to young men like bees to blooming clover, and because of that sincere,heartfelt desire to help them become strong, good men; has singularly blessed dozens of lives for the good.
It  has been decided that the traditional fourth of July breakfast, which Ron has been such an integral part of for two decades, should, in his honor, be named as the "Ron Dean Memorial 4th of July Breakfast". This is so that the principles that Ron has endeavored so diligently to teach can perpetuate on to future generations, and that those who have received so deeply from Ron over the years will remember the source of some of their greatest blessings.
With deepest gratitude and appreciation,
Bishop Josh Jones and Bishop David Holland"

We had the letter and plaque on display at his funeral

Another display of scout awards, family and a newspaper article written about Dad

Dad's coffin was handcrafted by a family in their ward.

Per my father's request, we also had a table of Book of Mormons for anyone to take one if they felt so inspired.  Dad had an impact on the entire community!  There were 10 Book of Mormon's given out at his funeral.

I had the pleasure of bringing my father home from the hospital back in May after his surgery to remove the tumor in his lung.  Upon arriving home we were pleasantly surprised to see many of his friends standing outside in the rain lining both side of the driveway to welcome him home.  It was a very emotional homecoming.  Dad has so many amazing friends.  

Thank you for allowing me to share my amazing father with you through this post.

It has been quite healing.