Learn Heaven

Last night I attended the Pathway program institute class.   I didn’t enroll in the program yet I have been attending as a visitor because I enjoy learning from the Book of Mormon and from the amazing teacher. 

The discussion was on the life of Jesus Christ and all he accomplished during his visit to the American continent. 

I can’t remember exactly how, however, the responses spurred up a discussion of feeling “burned out”.  One sister expressed how all the pressure from school, work, and home is causing her to burn out and she wonders if she can carry on.

I waited for several comments, but the yearning to speak up kept coming.  So I finally raised my hand and I said something like this, “listening to your comments has brought back memories of when I was your age.  I didn’t realize at the time, but for most of my life I felt I needed to “earn my way to heaven”.  I worked hard at everything I did.  I took on more and more things as if to prove my worth.  I even involved my family in more and more things because they reflected me.  But keeping up that appearance of, ‘I can do it all’ was killing me physically and mentally.  I wasn’t feeling any closer to my Heavenly Father by doing it all.” 

I didn’t really know what to say next.  All I could say was.  “I know what the scriptures have told us regarding ‘God’s rest’, because I am finally living with Him in my life and it's restful.” 

I wasn’t content with what I said.  I felt there was so much more I could elaborate on as to how I was able to find God’s peace and rest.

So, on the way home and lying in bed, I kept thinking of what I should have… could have said that would have made more of an impact.  How I could have helped them more.

This morning I received a new book on my Kindle from Brad Wilcox, titled “The Continuous Conversion”.  I forgot I had pre-ordered it so I was excited to have something new to read while I walked on the treadmill.

From the very beginning he talks about the exact thing that was discussed at institute class and I again was reminded of all that I have felt and known to be true, yet just fail to find the right words when needed.

Br. Wilcox put it this way, “True conversion occurs when we stop trying to earn heaven and start trying to learn it.”

“We are learning heaven.  As we take each little step to show faith, repent, make and live covenants, seek the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end, we are not paying our way into heaven.  We are practicing for it.”

“If the whole goal is just to be with God, why did we leave?  We were with Him, but we were also painfully aware that we were not like Him physically or spiritually.  We were willing to enter mortality because we knew that through the Atonement we could learn to be like Him.  One of the miracles of the Atonement is not just that we can go home, but that we can feel at home there.”

“Conversion occurs when we stop focusing so much on earning the hereafter but instead reexamine what we are really here after.  Conversion deepens as we understand the purposes and power of God and recognize how freely He offers His help.  This knowledge gives us the reasons we must go through so much and the ability to endure without giving up.”

Those quotes are just a few that I highlighted in the first chapter of Brad Wilcox’s new book.   I read all these amazing words and I envy the way people can put their testimony into words and have the courage to share it. 

I struggle greatly to share even though I do have a desire to teach what I have learned and how that knowledge has changed me.

I have spent the past several years learning and gaining knowledge, why am I not able to speak freely about what I learned?  Why can’t I teach and write like so many others that I just love learning from?  Why couldn’t I say what I really knew and felt last night.  Why do I fear the spoken words have to come out perfect or else don’t speak them which is what I always choose to do, is keep silent?  Why do I feel the words out of my mouth represent me instead of who planted those thoughts and truth in me?

Instead, I keep repeating in my head what I SHOULD have said.

A sweet and comforting thought came to my mind.  “Tresa, you are still learning, conversion is a continual process”.  It was very humbling to hear.  As I heard those words, I finished that thought with my own words, “I’m still a student learning, therefore, I am not a teacher yet”. 

I want to be a teacher.  I want to share with others how the power of God’s love and Christ’s Atonement has changed my life.

In that institute class I was surrounded by people all under the age of 30.  If I knew then at their age what I know now at my age of 42, my life would have been…..simpler.  

Oh, how I yearn to share my testimony and help others.

After I finished my work out on the treadmill, I immediately got down on my knees and I shared my desire with Heavenly Father.  I apologized for not sharing more of what I felt and what I have learned with those around me.  I expressed my gratitude for His sweet reminder that I am still learning and that my conversion will continue step by step. 

I believe Heavenly Father is reminding me of a couple things.  First is patience.  The second thing is that it’s not about me. 

When I want to speak or I’m asked to speak, it’s not about how eloquent the words come out so I can prove myself and my knowledge.   If I’m only speaking up in class to receive approval and acceptance, then I’m not saying anything worth listening to.  I am not the work that is on display.  He is.

I have been humbled.