I Will Never Be The Same

We have a family in our ward whose seventh child was born on April 9^th with congenital leukemia.  The doctor estimated that between 0.5-1lb of her 8 lb weight is leukemia cancer cells. Chemotherapy represents her best option for survival. The treatment course will likely last for months while she remains in the hospital.

Our ward members have rallied together and helped provide childcare for the six children so the parents can go to the hospital every day and meals have been provided to help assist in any way.

An on-line calendar has been created for the family to post the service opportunities.  Individuals log-in the calendar, view open opportunities and accept assignments that they can provide.  It is actually a very effective and efficient way to organize and render service for this family.

On Saturday when I logged in I noticed the task for childcare on Sunday afternoon was still available and I worried that these parents would not be able to go see their daughter unless that position was filled.  So, I accepted it with a tiny bit of reservation of not wanting to give up my quiet Sunday afternoon with my own family.

On Sunday morning right before heading to church I received a text from the coordinator asking for me to confirm that I was still available to accept the assignment to watch the six children ranging in age from 2 to 13 years in their home from 1:30 – 4:30pm.  I replied with a “Yes”.   The text that followed my response was, “the parents are not going to the hospital but are going to take advantage of that time to nap”.

My response was immediate and I started typing on my phone, “seriously?  I’m sacrificing time way from my family on the Sabbath so they can SLEEP”.  I didn't even complete that sentence before something inside of me said “Stop, don’t send that”.  I turned my phone off and walked away.

As I drove to church my emotions were whirling between anger, resentment and regret.   Anger because I think of their oldest daughter who is 13 and why can’t she help watch the little ones safe in her own home while the parents sleep upstairs; resentment because no one ever watches my children so I can take a nap; and regret because why did I accept this assignment on a Sunday when we are supposed to spend it with our own families.

As I got closer to the church I tried to push those emotions aside because I knew those feelings were not from the Lord and I couldn't enter His house with such negative feelings.  Unsuccessful to push them aside, I entered anyways because I knew I needed to be there.

I wanted to talk to a friend who could set my emotions straight and could help me refocus on what was important about service.

Or, did I want to run to a friend who would agree with my emotions and justify them so I could feel better.

As church services started my mind and heart were desperately searching for scriptures and quotes that focused on service in hopes that I could find comfort in remembering the real reason we sacrifice to serve one another regardless of the circumstances. 

Yet the ugly kept overtaking the good.  A battle was raging inside and I feared I couldn't conquer it alone.

I was expected to enter this family’s home in less than four hours and I did NOT want to enter with resentment in my heart.  It wouldn't do them any good.  I knew the family deserved better.  They were suffering with far greater afflictions than I could even imagine. 

During the sacrament, I prayed asking for the Lord’s peace to enter my heart and remove these feelings of resentment.  There was peace, yet it was soon accompanied by feelings of guilt and shame for having had the feelings.  What does that say about me when I question the reason I should sacrifice my time to help another?

Among the feelings of peace came the idea to visit with the Bishop.

“Really?”  I thought and even questioned.

I started to rationalize why I was being prompted to go to the Bishop.  He was the only safe person I could share my emotions with that wouldn't agree with me nor help me justify them.  Because they were wrong!  And I started to realize I had to confess my sin of selfishness and repent in order to have these unrighteous emotions removed.

It was a very humbling experience to enter his office and ask for a few minutes of his precious time.  I guess my emotions were written with black ink across my forehead because he immediately and graciously asked me to shut the door and invited me to sit down.

I attempted to cover my shame by covering my face as I confessed my weaknesses of selfishness, resentment and pride.  His words were simple yet so full of love and kindness.  He asked if I would like a Priesthood blessing before I left his office.  I accepted.

I left his office with a heavy burden lifted from my shoulders.  In fact, I was excited.   I hurried home and prepared a bag full of games, puzzles, activities and snacks.  I felt like a teenager preparing for her first childcare job. 

I experienced a wonderful afternoon caring for those precious children while their parents received some much needed sleep.  That family was worth every second of my time.   It may not have made a difference to them whether I was there or not.  The children could have played quietly enough those few hours so their parents could sleep.

But it made a difference to me.  I will never be the same.

"I used to think I could shape the circumstances around me,
but now I know the Lord uses circumstances to shape me."  Bob Goff

YOU ARE HIS

Six weeks ago I witnessed my father take his last breath in this mortal life.  Two hours later, I witnessed his body being wrapped and covered in white linen and taken from his beautiful home in Idaho.  I'm not sure I will ever forget that day.  His loving wife and five of his children were present at his bedside during his last moments.

My oldest sister, Debra, was traveling back to Idaho and arrived four hours later.  We tried to express the details and feelings we experienced during his last few hours to her in hopes that we could comfort her since she wasn't able to be there.

My sister felt peace in not being present for his last few hours because she had very recently spend two precious weeks with him caring for him.  She had one on one time with him by his bed asking him about his pain, asking him what she could do for him and what he needed to feel comfortable in his suffering.  And in doing so, she felt his pain and she was a witness of his great sacrifice because she had sacrificed time away from her family to spend those precious moments and days with him.

Debra said to me as I was leaving Idaho after the funeral.  "We must always remember him and we must talk about him often to remember all that he did for us".

I remember saying to myself, "How can I forget him and what he did for me.  He gave me my mortal life; he was my daddy, my protector, my provider, my spiritual adviser, my hero and my friend."

Over 2000 years ago our brother, Jesus Christ, took his last mortal breath and then his body was wrapped and covered in white linen cloth.  Like my sister, our eyes were not able to witness that solemn event.  Yet, we are so blessed to have the scriptures which are a written account from those individuals that were there to witness his suffering.  They have shared with us the account of the last few days and moments of Christ's life. They share the pain and sorrow of His death.

I have read about His death and I have heard about His suffering, yet for the longest time, I didn't feel it in my heart because I didn't believe it was meant for me.

I knew that in order for His life and death to become personal and embedded in my heart I needed to spend precious time with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  It required me to sacrifice time from those things that are selfish in nature and those things that brought me short term comfort and happiness.

Jesus' suffering and death finally came alive and personal when I decided to put my life, my pain and my sorrow aside for a while to spend precious time alone getting to know Him and focusing on His life, His pain and His sorrow that He suffered for me.  I immersed myself in trying to understand what He endured physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually from Gethsemane to the cross for me.

No matter how routine our perspective is, no matter how much we have taken Jesus' sacrifice for granted, the Holy Ghost can still make Him know to us.  I testify that when we have the desire to know Him and are willing to learn of Him, He will enter our minds and our hearts with His peace, His love and His joy.  Not as the world giveth, but only as He can give.

We have been counseled and we have covenanted to always remember Him.

How can I ever forget Him?

He gave me life when I thought my life wasn't worth living.  He gave me peace when my life was consumed with fear and doubt.  He gave me hope when everything seemed hopeless.  He lifted me from the pit of despair when all I could see was darkness.  He gave me His love when I thought all love was lost.

Jesus Christ is my Savior and my Redeemer.

There is a place in my heart that only He can fill.  There is a need in my soul that only He can succor.  There is a longing that only He can sooth.  He is always there for me.

I promise you, He will do the same for you.  YOU ARE HIS!  Of this I can testify in His name, Jesus Christ, Amen.

False Images Mercifully Shattered

Last week in institute class our teacher had us read a scripture in Alma 26, verse 22.  As he was reading that to us, I felt like there was more to that verse than we were discussing.   I was too embarrassed to ask the question.  Later, even into the next day, that verse and the question kept coming to my mind.  So I opened up my scriptures and was determined to study it more and try to find the answer myself.

“Yea, he that repenteth and exerciseth faith, and bringeth forth good works, and prayeth continually without ceasing—unto such it is given to know the mysteries of God; yea, unto such it shall be given to reveal things which never have been revealed; yea, and it shall be given unto such to bring thousands of souls to repentance, even as it has been given unto us to bring these our brethren to repentance.”

Is there a word or phrase that stands out to you?

The phrase that really stood out to me was “Mysteries of God”.  How would you define mystery?  

It is defined as a religious truth or doctrine revealed only to the initiated; and made known only by divine revelation and accepted through faith.

“Only to the initiated”.  Revealed truth given only to the ONE who is seeking.  Not to a group, or an organization, or an entire church but to the individual.  Heavenly Father is a personal God who reveals His mysteries one on one. 

So who was the “one” individual who was speaking in this verse?  I didn’t know, so I went back to the heading of the chapter and found it was Ammon.

What do you know about Ammon?  Who was he?  What did he do?  (He was one of the four sons of Mosiah and a friend of Alma the younger. Rebel then a convert)

In this chapter, Ammon and his brethren proposed to take the Anti-Nephi-Lehies to Zarahemla, and Ammon prayed to know if this was the Lord’s desire.  He was instructed to return to Zarahemla with his brothers and the Anti-Nephi-Lehies.  On their journey to Zarahemla, do you remember who they encountered?  (Alma)

They were overjoyed to see each other again.  Ammon was so full of joy over the missionary success among the Lamanites and how the Lord had truly been blessing them in their efforts.  Ammon was even accused of boasting.  Yet, he made it clear he wasn’t boasting in his own strengths, but in the Lord’s strength and mercy. (verses 11-12)

Here on this road, Ammon was reunited after quite some time of separation with his once “buddy in crime”, Alma. 

Let’s read what Ammon chose to talk about with Alma.  Start in verse 17: 

17 “Who could have supposed that OUR GOD (Interesting? The God they knew then in their rebel days. They created an image in their minds of who God was) would have been so merciful as to have snatched us from our awful, sinful, and polluted state?”  (They were shocked that God was merciful to them)

18 “we went forth even in wrath, with mighty threatening to destroy his church”.

Alma, Ammon and his brothers were rebels, they became wicked and idolatrous men, stealing away the hearts of the people, causing much dissension among the people.  They had full intention of destroying God’s church.

19 “why did he (GOD) not consign us to an awful destruction, yea, why did he not let the sword of his justice fall upon us, and doom us to eternal despair?”  (“Our” God would have destroyed us)

20 “Oh, my soul, almost as it were, fleeth at the thought” (even just thinking about what God should have, could have done to them makes Ammon want to shutter)  “Behold, he did not exercise his justice upon us, but in his great mercy hath brought us over that everlasting gulf of death and misery, even to the salvation of our souls.”

Ammon is reminiscing about how their idol God should have consigned them to an awful destruction, their God should have allowed them to die because of their sins, their God could have exercised justice upon them, yet He didn’t.  Those were all the false impression and beliefs Ammon had created in his mind of who God was.  Ammon thought God was a punishing, destructive, just God with no mercy when it comes to sinners. 

But, then Ammon discovered God and realized the true God wasn’t who he thought he was.

How did Ammon discover the one and only true God?

In verse 22, Ammon shares that through “repenteth and exerciseth faith, and bringeth forth good works, and prayeth continually without ceasing – unto such it is given to know the mysteries of God”.  God revealed His true identity to Ammon through Ammon’s willingness to repent, show faith, good works and prayer.

The mystery of God’s true identity will be revealed to us through the learning process of repentance, faith, good works and prayer. His true character is made known to us as we do those things not because we do those things like a reward to us.

I love this quote by C.S. Lewis;

 Every image of Him we create,

 He must in mercy, shatter

Just like Ammon, I subconsciously created false images of who God was. I created an image of my Heavenly Father by the relationship of those people that were close to me. My father, for instance, was a demanding father. He was quick to punish and his punishment was hard.  He wasn’t around very much because he was diligently trying to provide for a large family.  I turned to him only when I needed money, to borrow the car or to fix some equipment that was part of my chores. I have come to realize that the image I created of my Heavenly Father was very similar to my relationship with my father.

I was afraid that God would treat me harshly when I made a mistake. I didn’t trust or have faith in him because I doubted whether or not I was important or worthy of his love. I wondered if he would be there to hear my prayers. I only turned to my Heavenly Father when I needed help, I called them my 911 calls (prayers). 

Can you think of other false images of Heavenly Father that we might create in our minds from relationships or experiences?

What about the parent that protects you from everything?  Who comes to your rescue all the time?  Who doesn’t let anything bad happen to you?  Do you think subconsciously the child believes “Heavenly Father won’t let anything bad happen to me”.

Then later in life, the child is now a teenager or adult and he experiences a terrible trial like losing his job, accident, injury or death of family member etc. and he doesn’t know how to handle it.  In his mind, he is thinking “I can’t possibly turn to Heavenly Father because He didn’t protect me” or  “He can’t be God because “my” God wouldn’t let that happen.” 

Can you see how Heavenly Father has to shatter every image we create of Him and can you sense how He does it?

I have a friend who at the age of 14 years old, his father picked up and left, abandoning his wife and children.  There was nothing he could do that could convince his father to come home.  My friend was raised in the church, served a mission, married in the temple and they have four children.  Ten years ago my friend lost his job, couldn’t find work so they lost their home, had to claim bankruptcy and moved in with her parents for a little while so they could get back on their feet.  Unfortunately, my friend hasn’t been back to church since and his wife is left raising their children in the gospel alone. 

Do you think my friend believes Heavenly Father abandoned him too just like his earthly father?

Do you think I set out in life to create false images of Heavenly Father?   NO!

Do you think I consciously knew I had created false images of who God was?   NO! 

Could it be possible that you have created some false images of your Heavenly Father?

How do you think these false images affected the way I worshipped?

Sure, I knew the church was true.  I was raised in the Gospel.  I did my best to keep the commandments.  I watched my daddy serve in callings at church, even Bishop for a good part of my childhood.  Yet dad acted different at home.  Appearance seemed to be very important. So I dressed my family up each Sunday so they looked their best.  I served in the callings the Lord gave me.  I volunteered here and there and everywhere I could.  I worked my tail off trying to please Heavenly Father, to earn His approval, to earn His acceptance. 

But keeping up that appearance of, “Tresa, can do it all.  Tresa, the overachiever” was killing me physically and mentally.  I felt drained and empty inside.  I wasn’t feeling any closer to my Heavenly Father by doing it all.

I wanted to just give up!  At this time of my life I really asked myself, “So where is God?”  “Is He even there?”

I finally decided to pray to find out, “God, are you there?”  No answer came, nothing.  No bright lights, no burning feelings…nothing. 

I felt disappointed and even a little angry.  I had learned to deal with the feelings of being punished by God, but this felt different.  This was abandonment. 

It was a very humbling experience to feel so utterly alone.  I realized I couldn’t survive on my own.  I needed help.

I thought more about my situation and realized I had not read my scriptures, pondered and prayed as diligently as I could.

One day a friend of mine invited me to institute class.  I learned firsthand that when we are humble, we are teachable.  I felt every lesson was meant for me.  The lessons helped me recognize what was inside of me.  Who I am and what I am here for.  I learned a great deal about my Savior.  And I realized that I didn’t really know Him nor did I have a personal relationship with Him.  I came to know that Heavenly Father hadn’t abandoned me, that I had abandoned Him. 

I was hearing the same gospel principles that I’d heard all my life, but this time it was different.  This time I was getting it.  I was feeling the Holy Ghost testifying of the truthfulness of what I was hearing. 

What do you think was the difference now as I attend these church meetings from when I had the past 39 years?

What is this?

What is the purpose of a ladder?

What is this?

What is the purpose of this track?

They look the same, don’t they? The only difference is the direction they are headed.  I was on the right track, moving along full speed.  I covered lots of territory and I didn’t venture off the track much.  But, my focus was in the wrong direction.  I had no idea, my family and my friends had no idea that I was going in the wrong direction because from appearance the ladder and the track look the same. 

I was trying to earn God’s love, earn his attention and earn his approval.  Once my perspective changed, I started to change.

The truths I was learning caught fire in me and I was thirsting for more truth and more knowledge.  I started a quest of reading and praying more diligently to get to know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I will never forget the feeling I had when the teacher bore testimony that Heavenly Father knew me personally and loved me personally and I started to recognize that this was a “new” God.  I had, up until that point, believe in my father’s God, my mother’s God and my husband’s God.  All of them acting and behaving according to their own image of who God was.  I was determined to stop the cycle.

I knew I needed to gain my own individual personal testimony of the one and only true God and make Him mine. 

Thus began the process of allowing God in His mercy to shatter the false images I had created of Him in my subconscious mind.  And it has been a process; an ongoing and continual process because I’m still learning and gaining knowledge about God, the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  I have an open and honest relationship with my Heavenly Father and I trust Him with my life.

I am not going to say it has been easy, but I can honestly say I know the meaning of the scripture found in Matthew chapter 11. 

 28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

So why didn’t Heavenly Father answer me the 1^st time I prayed asking Him if He was there?

If He had, would I have ever studied, prayed, served, worked and learned as much as I have?

Am I earning His love?  Earning His attention?  Earning His approval? 

No, now I am learning!!

Would you have ever learned to walk if your mom carried you in her arms all day long?  Would you have ever learned how to swim if your father was still holding your head above water?

God’s delays are not always denials.  He tests our faith, but by doing so He educates it.  A God who asks nothing of us is making nothing of us, and that is not the case.  He created us to become like Him.

I’m reading a great book by Brad Wilcox called The Continuous Conversion.

I love these quotes and can truly relate. 

“Heavenly Father’s plan is called the great plan of happiness.  And happiness is found not merely by making the grade so we can be advanced from one estate to another.  It is found by gaining an education all along the way.”

 “Our ultimate goal is not just coming to Christ but becoming like Him.  Our coming to Him allows Him to help make the rest of the journey possible.” 

“Mortality is a time of probation, but also a time of preparation.  Heaven is not a prize for the perfect, but the future home of all who are willing to be perfected.”

 “We don’t pray because we’re worthy, we pray because we need help.  We don’t take the sacrament because we are perfect, but because we are willing to be perfected.  We don’t go to the temple because we’ve made it (we passed the exam), we go because God is making us better there.” 

I know when I hear those lists of “to dos” like read daily, pray daily, serve, visiting teaching, FHE and I am not doing them all perfectly, it’s hard not to get discouraged and be tempted to give up.  Heavenly Father doesn’t judge us by what we have done or haven’t done like they balance on a scale.  I believe Heavenly Father cherishes us for what He created us to BECOME and what we’ve learned along the journey to get there.

My goal is to become like Christ. I learn how to become like Christ by reading my scripture, attending church, praying and doing good works. I don’t earn Christ and His Atonement. He is a gift; not a free gift because Christ paid a huge price for our salvation, but a gift given freely to each of us by our loving and perfect Heavenly Father and Christ’s willingness to sacrifice for us.

I can honestly say from my personal experience that true conversion occurs when we stop trying to earn our way to heaven and start trying to learn it.

I tried to think back through my conversion and remember what was the most important thing I did that taught me God’s true character and taught me who I could become?

I remembered my institute teacher giving the class a challenge a couple years ago.  It was called the “Educate My Desire” 30 day prayer challenge.  

He introduced it as a way of allowing the Lord to educate you in what He desires you to become.  Asking the Lord with an honest, willing heart and with pure intent, “I don’t know what I want or need, educate me of your desires for me”.

What does a willing heart mean?  (Willing to do my best at everything that the Lord asks of me)  

What does pure intent mean?  (Not doing it for social gain, economic gain, approval, acceptance but to learn how to become heavenly)

Educate My Desire

30 day prayer challenge

1) Primarily express gratitude, asking for very little.

2) Explain that “all I want is what you want”.

3) Ask, “what is it you want me to do”?

4) Listen for the guidance

I have to admit, the first time I accepted the challenge I didn’t last the entire 30 days.  Even the 2^nd time he questioned us and asked how we were doing, I hadn’t felt successful to stick with it for 30 days. I know it’s because I didn’t fully trust Him at the time.  I still had false images that needed to be shattered. 

Yet, with time after many trials and struggles teaching me to trust Him, I can testify that even the short amount of consistent days focusing on this prayer, changed me.  He taught me how to pray, how to surrender, and how to rest with Him.

I can testify that God has mercifully shattered the false images I created of Him.  And through the learning process of discovering the mysteries of God, He also shattered the false images I had created of myself and my earthy father.  

I am truly blessed to have had my spiritual awakening when I did so I could go to my father and explain all that I just shared with you. My dad is not responsible for the false images I created in my mind. I unintentionally created them because I lacked a personal and intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

I know the one and only true God.  He is the Father of our spirits and by His authority His Son, Jesus Christ created each of us to become like Him.  I know that Jesus Christ lives and He is our Savior and Redeemer.  He loves each and every one of us.  I have experienced both His redeeming power and His enabling power.  I can testify that these powers are real and available to you.  Reach out to Him, get to know Him.  I promise that you will not be disappointed.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.