I Will Never Be The Same

We have a family in our ward whose seventh child was born on April 9^th with congenital leukemia.  The doctor estimated that between 0.5-1lb of her 8 lb weight is leukemia cancer cells. Chemotherapy represents her best option for survival. The treatment course will likely last for months while she remains in the hospital.

Our ward members have rallied together and helped provide childcare for the six children so the parents can go to the hospital every day and meals have been provided to help assist in any way.

An on-line calendar has been created for the family to post the service opportunities.  Individuals log-in the calendar, view open opportunities and accept assignments that they can provide.  It is actually a very effective and efficient way to organize and render service for this family.

On Saturday when I logged in I noticed the task for childcare on Sunday afternoon was still available and I worried that these parents would not be able to go see their daughter unless that position was filled.  So, I accepted it with a tiny bit of reservation of not wanting to give up my quiet Sunday afternoon with my own family.

On Sunday morning right before heading to church I received a text from the coordinator asking for me to confirm that I was still available to accept the assignment to watch the six children ranging in age from 2 to 13 years in their home from 1:30 – 4:30pm.  I replied with a “Yes”.   The text that followed my response was, “the parents are not going to the hospital but are going to take advantage of that time to nap”.

My response was immediate and I started typing on my phone, “seriously?  I’m sacrificing time way from my family on the Sabbath so they can SLEEP”.  I didn't even complete that sentence before something inside of me said “Stop, don’t send that”.  I turned my phone off and walked away.

As I drove to church my emotions were whirling between anger, resentment and regret.   Anger because I think of their oldest daughter who is 13 and why can’t she help watch the little ones safe in her own home while the parents sleep upstairs; resentment because no one ever watches my children so I can take a nap; and regret because why did I accept this assignment on a Sunday when we are supposed to spend it with our own families.

As I got closer to the church I tried to push those emotions aside because I knew those feelings were not from the Lord and I couldn't enter His house with such negative feelings.  Unsuccessful to push them aside, I entered anyways because I knew I needed to be there.

I wanted to talk to a friend who could set my emotions straight and could help me refocus on what was important about service.

Or, did I want to run to a friend who would agree with my emotions and justify them so I could feel better.

As church services started my mind and heart were desperately searching for scriptures and quotes that focused on service in hopes that I could find comfort in remembering the real reason we sacrifice to serve one another regardless of the circumstances. 

Yet the ugly kept overtaking the good.  A battle was raging inside and I feared I couldn't conquer it alone.

I was expected to enter this family’s home in less than four hours and I did NOT want to enter with resentment in my heart.  It wouldn't do them any good.  I knew the family deserved better.  They were suffering with far greater afflictions than I could even imagine. 

During the sacrament, I prayed asking for the Lord’s peace to enter my heart and remove these feelings of resentment.  There was peace, yet it was soon accompanied by feelings of guilt and shame for having had the feelings.  What does that say about me when I question the reason I should sacrifice my time to help another?

Among the feelings of peace came the idea to visit with the Bishop.

“Really?”  I thought and even questioned.

I started to rationalize why I was being prompted to go to the Bishop.  He was the only safe person I could share my emotions with that wouldn't agree with me nor help me justify them.  Because they were wrong!  And I started to realize I had to confess my sin of selfishness and repent in order to have these unrighteous emotions removed.

It was a very humbling experience to enter his office and ask for a few minutes of his precious time.  I guess my emotions were written with black ink across my forehead because he immediately and graciously asked me to shut the door and invited me to sit down.

I attempted to cover my shame by covering my face as I confessed my weaknesses of selfishness, resentment and pride.  His words were simple yet so full of love and kindness.  He asked if I would like a Priesthood blessing before I left his office.  I accepted.

I left his office with a heavy burden lifted from my shoulders.  In fact, I was excited.   I hurried home and prepared a bag full of games, puzzles, activities and snacks.  I felt like a teenager preparing for her first childcare job. 

I experienced a wonderful afternoon caring for those precious children while their parents received some much needed sleep.  That family was worth every second of my time.   It may not have made a difference to them whether I was there or not.  The children could have played quietly enough those few hours so their parents could sleep.

But it made a difference to me.  I will never be the same.

"I used to think I could shape the circumstances around me,
but now I know the Lord uses circumstances to shape me."  Bob Goff