Resurrection

A friend of mind asked me recently if I would be a guess blogger on her marriage and relationships blog, A Thing Called Love at www.athingcalledloveblog.com. She asked if I could write a post on “how to strengthen your marriage when you never see your husband”.

We recently had spent some time together during her short visit to Texas.   I guess in the course of our conversation I told her how much my husband travels because of his job.  I am quite used to him being away from the family as it has been our family life style for probably 70% of our 25 year marriage.  So apparently, since I appeared to be nonchalant and non-complaining about that life style she assumed that must mean our marriage relationship is strong and that I had advice on how our marriage has been able to endure lengths of separation.

After reading her request, I just stared at my computer screen.  I think I was in shock.  I did not know how to respond.

I am a codependent! This means I have a really difficult time telling people “no”.  Because, I am so dependent on making people happy, so they will like me, I try to do everything people ask of me.  To feel or sense that I have disappointed someone by my failure to respond, to do, to provide, to help, to just be, is a trigger point that brings self induced misery.

Yet, it took me less than 6 hours to email my friend back and graciously decline to assist her as a guest on her blog.

Why?

Well……this was my response.

“I do not feel we have a successful marriage relationship.  BUT, there is hope and we are working on it, little by little, step by step.  We are just at the bottom level right now.  The Lord has allowed our relationship to crumble.  He promised me He would rebuild it up on the sure foundation of Jesus Christ.  Our relationship was not established on the true and sure foundation of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Sure, we were both active members and we were sealed in the Temple, yet, our marriage was created on the wrong footing.

I was broken and alone.  Boyd had just returned from his mission and he was a spiritual giant to me.  And I was looking for someone to heal me, to raise me up and to love me.  I was taught and I believed that if you lived your life righteously and worthily to be married in the Temple, your marriage would be a Happily Ever After like fairytale.  I believed that was your reward for living your life good and choosing a Temple marriage.  I saw Boyd as my ticket to my Happily Ever After story.  I needed a spiritual giant and I expected Boyd to be that healer for me.  I was taught that a husband and wife when sealed in the temple became ONE.  I thought that meant my husband would complete me and I would complete him.  We together would make each other whole.  I was broken and hoped I could someday feel complete.  I believed by simply marrying a spiritual giant that somehow that covenant made in the temple would make me complete.  I expected Boyd would be a healer, a comforter and to fill the void I felt inside. 

Did I set him up for failure? 

Yes, I did!! 

I set us both up to fail.  I failed to become whole and he failed to complete me. 

I was expecting too much from a mortal, imperfect human being.  Who honestly came into the marriage with his own set of baggage and expectations of me.  Unmet expectations result in resentment, anger, disappointment and frustration.  When we fill our hearts with resentment ~ there is no room for love.

I testify to you that after much praying and studying to know the true nature of our Savior, Jesus Christ, I found my healing in the ONLY person who can provide such miracles.  The Atonement of Jesus Christ is REAL.  I have been given a new heart.  I am complete and whole because of the Savior’s sanctifying power and influence.

So how can I sit here and tell you, “I don’t have a successful marriage” when I have been given so much? 

Because I still have an ego that is codependent, selfish and controlling.  I have seen glimpses of my essence made holy by the saving Grace of Jesus Christ.  Yet, I still unconsciously feed my ego the stories I created and lived for so many years.  It’s like I have this barrier fortress holding my essence captive.

The past several years since my “awakening”, that is what I call it, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions.  My weaknesses which include attachments to false identities and reactive mind patterns are becoming more and more apparent.  Yet, I have come to understand that is to be expected when you awaken from your unconscious state.  I am now more alert and aware....of everything.  So it’s been a huge battle between my ego verses my essence.  I’m trying to deal with the guilt of hurting innocent bystanders of the war raging inside of me.  Unfortunately, most days my ego wins and it’s soooo frustrating.  But, I haven’t given up hope.  That is a blessing.

A few years ago, I received the impression that the Lord was going to allow the tearing down of our relationship and then He would build us up again on the principles of the only sure foundation, Jesus Christ.

I feel that for the past four years our marriage has been going through a slow death.

It really has been a painful death. 

Most days my love bucket for my husband is empty.  Yet, the reason I continue to seek help through prayer, fasting and study clearly shows that there is a tiny sparkle of love essence that is driving me to change and become more filled with Christ so then my heart will be capable of giving His pure love to my husband.

I am coming to realize that in order to love Boyd like he deserves, I have to be filled with the pure love of Christ that will consume my ego.  Christ’s love is the only love capable of receiving spit, bruises, ridicule and torment without breaking and losing focus of God’s will.

That is what I desire more than anything.

The old must die in order for the new to come to life.  RESURRECTION!

I have come to accept this is the Lord’s plan for us. 

I have put my old marriage on the altar ready to sacrifice it knowing that God will receive it, cleanse it, redeem it and renew it.  I have to just get my ego “out of the way”, stop trying to fix it my way and in my timing so God can do what He does best.

I REALLY wish I could give advice on how to strengthen your marriage when your husband travels a lot, but I can’t.  I have not been successful at that.

Thanks again for thinking of me.

Love always,

Tresa”

I wonder if a simple “No” response would have been sufficient for my friend.  Why did I feel the need to go into so much history to justify my “No, not now answer” and decline being a guest on her blog?

Then last night at a Relief Society meeting another friend of mine mentioned that she opened my blog the other day hoping to read something uplifting and new, only to find that I haven’t posted anything for over a year.

My blog apparently has experienced its own death and burial. 

Everything happens for a reason and maybe it’s time for the resurrection of Our Willing Hearts blog.