Waiting

We spend our whole life….waiting.

Waiting is a state of mind.

When you are waiting, it implies that you want the next moment but you don’t want this moment.

That is what waiting is.

When you’re waiting for the traffic light to turn green, waiting for the toast to pop up, waiting in line at the post office, waiting for a wound to heal are all minor moments of anticipation for something other than accepting the present moment.

Those are all pretty short moments of time.

What about the weightier moments of anticipation.  Waiting for a new baby to arrive, waiting for a new job, waiting to graduate from school, or waiting for a marriage relationship to heal.

If you find yourself waiting, it means that you want the future. You don’t want the present.

When you are waiting you are devaluing THIS moment. You want the next moment, but you do not want this moment.

Yet, it may never come or when it comes you may not recognize it because you do not appreciate WHAT IS the present moment.

Put an end to waiting.

Why live in such a way and reduce this precious moment to something inferior in my mind.

Appreciate the preciousness of this moment and you’re not waiting anymore.

Resurrection

A friend of mind asked me recently if I would be a guess blogger on her marriage and relationships blog, A Thing Called Love at www.athingcalledloveblog.com. She asked if I could write a post on “how to strengthen your marriage when you never see your husband”.

We recently had spent some time together during her short visit to Texas.   I guess in the course of our conversation I told her how much my husband travels because of his job.  I am quite used to him being away from the family as it has been our family life style for probably 70% of our 25 year marriage.  So apparently, since I appeared to be nonchalant and non-complaining about that life style she assumed that must mean our marriage relationship is strong and that I had advice on how our marriage has been able to endure lengths of separation.

After reading her request, I just stared at my computer screen.  I think I was in shock.  I did not know how to respond.

I am a codependent! This means I have a really difficult time telling people “no”.  Because, I am so dependent on making people happy, so they will like me, I try to do everything people ask of me.  To feel or sense that I have disappointed someone by my failure to respond, to do, to provide, to help, to just be, is a trigger point that brings self induced misery.

Yet, it took me less than 6 hours to email my friend back and graciously decline to assist her as a guest on her blog.

Why?

Well……this was my response.

“I do not feel we have a successful marriage relationship.  BUT, there is hope and we are working on it, little by little, step by step.  We are just at the bottom level right now.  The Lord has allowed our relationship to crumble.  He promised me He would rebuild it up on the sure foundation of Jesus Christ.  Our relationship was not established on the true and sure foundation of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Sure, we were both active members and we were sealed in the Temple, yet, our marriage was created on the wrong footing.

I was broken and alone.  Boyd had just returned from his mission and he was a spiritual giant to me.  And I was looking for someone to heal me, to raise me up and to love me.  I was taught and I believed that if you lived your life righteously and worthily to be married in the Temple, your marriage would be a Happily Ever After like fairytale.  I believed that was your reward for living your life good and choosing a Temple marriage.  I saw Boyd as my ticket to my Happily Ever After story.  I needed a spiritual giant and I expected Boyd to be that healer for me.  I was taught that a husband and wife when sealed in the temple became ONE.  I thought that meant my husband would complete me and I would complete him.  We together would make each other whole.  I was broken and hoped I could someday feel complete.  I believed by simply marrying a spiritual giant that somehow that covenant made in the temple would make me complete.  I expected Boyd would be a healer, a comforter and to fill the void I felt inside. 

Did I set him up for failure? 

Yes, I did!! 

I set us both up to fail.  I failed to become whole and he failed to complete me. 

I was expecting too much from a mortal, imperfect human being.  Who honestly came into the marriage with his own set of baggage and expectations of me.  Unmet expectations result in resentment, anger, disappointment and frustration.  When we fill our hearts with resentment ~ there is no room for love.

I testify to you that after much praying and studying to know the true nature of our Savior, Jesus Christ, I found my healing in the ONLY person who can provide such miracles.  The Atonement of Jesus Christ is REAL.  I have been given a new heart.  I am complete and whole because of the Savior’s sanctifying power and influence.

So how can I sit here and tell you, “I don’t have a successful marriage” when I have been given so much? 

Because I still have an ego that is codependent, selfish and controlling.  I have seen glimpses of my essence made holy by the saving Grace of Jesus Christ.  Yet, I still unconsciously feed my ego the stories I created and lived for so many years.  It’s like I have this barrier fortress holding my essence captive.

The past several years since my “awakening”, that is what I call it, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions.  My weaknesses which include attachments to false identities and reactive mind patterns are becoming more and more apparent.  Yet, I have come to understand that is to be expected when you awaken from your unconscious state.  I am now more alert and aware....of everything.  So it’s been a huge battle between my ego verses my essence.  I’m trying to deal with the guilt of hurting innocent bystanders of the war raging inside of me.  Unfortunately, most days my ego wins and it’s soooo frustrating.  But, I haven’t given up hope.  That is a blessing.

A few years ago, I received the impression that the Lord was going to allow the tearing down of our relationship and then He would build us up again on the principles of the only sure foundation, Jesus Christ.

I feel that for the past four years our marriage has been going through a slow death.

It really has been a painful death. 

Most days my love bucket for my husband is empty.  Yet, the reason I continue to seek help through prayer, fasting and study clearly shows that there is a tiny sparkle of love essence that is driving me to change and become more filled with Christ so then my heart will be capable of giving His pure love to my husband.

I am coming to realize that in order to love Boyd like he deserves, I have to be filled with the pure love of Christ that will consume my ego.  Christ’s love is the only love capable of receiving spit, bruises, ridicule and torment without breaking and losing focus of God’s will.

That is what I desire more than anything.

The old must die in order for the new to come to life.  RESURRECTION!

I have come to accept this is the Lord’s plan for us. 

I have put my old marriage on the altar ready to sacrifice it knowing that God will receive it, cleanse it, redeem it and renew it.  I have to just get my ego “out of the way”, stop trying to fix it my way and in my timing so God can do what He does best.

I REALLY wish I could give advice on how to strengthen your marriage when your husband travels a lot, but I can’t.  I have not been successful at that.

Thanks again for thinking of me.

Love always,

Tresa”

I wonder if a simple “No” response would have been sufficient for my friend.  Why did I feel the need to go into so much history to justify my “No, not now answer” and decline being a guest on her blog?

Then last night at a Relief Society meeting another friend of mine mentioned that she opened my blog the other day hoping to read something uplifting and new, only to find that I haven’t posted anything for over a year.

My blog apparently has experienced its own death and burial. 

Everything happens for a reason and maybe it’s time for the resurrection of Our Willing Hearts blog.  

Be Ye Converted

I gave a talk in church today.  A sister came up to me after church and said "I hope you have written down all that you shared today and you had better share that with all your children and extended family." Therefore, I decided to post my talk on my blog to share with my family.

I have been asked to speak on the topic of conversion.  I was given the talk Be Ye Converted By Bonnie L. Oscarson newly called Young Women General President and this was a talk given by her at the October 2013 General Conference.

Her title:  True conversion occurs as you continue to act upon the doctrines you know are true and keep the commandments, day after day, month after month.

I don’t know about you, but I remember conference talks by the stories that are told.  If I can recall the story then I can usually remember what the meat of their talk was about.

In Sister Oscarson’s talk you may remember the conversion story that she shared.  Agnes Hoggan and her husband joined the church in Scotland in 1861.  Suffering great persecution in their homeland, they immigrated to America with their children.  Several years later, Agnes became a widow with eight children to support.  Her 12-year old daughter, Isabelle, was lucky enough to find employment as a servant to a wealthy, non-lds family.

Isabelle lived in their large home and helped look after their younger children.  In exchange for her services, a small wage was paid each week to her mother.  Isabelle was soon accepted as a member of the family and began to enjoy many of the same privileges of being wealthy. This continued for four years, until the family for whom Isabelle worked was transferred to another state.   They had grown so fond of Isabelle that they approached her mother, Agnes, and asked for permission to legally adopt her.  They promised they would provide her with a good education, see that she married well, and make her an heir to their estate with their own children.  They would also continue to make payments to Agnes.

This struggling widow and mother had a hard decision to make, But she did not hesitate for a moment.  Here are the words of her granddaughter, written many years later.  “If her love had not compelled her to say no, she had an even better reason – she had come all the way from Scotland and had gone through tribulations and trials for the Gospel, and she did not intend to let a child of hers lose what she had come so far to gain”. 

This mother’s testimony and conversion to Gospel covenants did not allow her to trade her daughter’s membership in the church for worldly promises.

Sister Oscarson teaches us “The decisions which you are called upon to make on a daily, or even hourly basis have eternal consequences.  The decisions you make in your daily life will determine what happens to you later. 

THEN COMES HER INVITATION:  “If you do not yet have a firmly rooted testimony and conviction that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the Kingdom of God on the earth, now is the time to do what it take to gain that conviction.

“True conversion is more than merely having a knowledge of gospel principles and implies even more than just having a testimony of those principles.  Being truly converted means we are acting upon what we believe and allowing it to create “a mighty change in us”.

When you hear what it means to be truly converted, do you ask yourself “Am I truly converted?”  

“If I am supposed to act on what I believe, what exactly do I believe?"

"Or rather should we ask ourselves in Whom do I believe and do I trust Him enough to allow Him to make changes in my life that will ultimately change who I become?”

“Do I want to be MORE than I am right now?”  

These are all questions that I asked myself weekly even daily at times.

Conversion includes a conscious decision to give up one’s former ways to accept and conform to the Will of God.  This isn’t merely a change in our behavior it is a change in our very nature. Complete conversion comes after many trials and much testing. 

Conversion comes as a result of righteous efforts to follow the Savior and become a disciple of Christ.

The first step on the pathway to discipleship requires us to make a choice.  Either we can remain in the place where we are, or we can become something more.  This choice requires great courage.  I am reminded of Alma, who experienced a change of heart after listening to the testimony of Abinadi.  After pleading with the king to save Abinadi, Alma fled for his life.  In that instant everything changes.  He had come to know the Lord, and through that personal experience he came to understand that he was meant for more.  That knowledge led to a journey that changed the course of his life.  From Alma we learn that the first step toward discipleship is to make a conscious choice to know the Lord, believe that through Him we can become more.

I remember coming to a crossroad in my life and I had to make a choice.

There have been times when I’ve been very unhappy with my life.  Although my life is full of many good things, I was disappointed and disillusioned with what wasn’t happening in my life.  I was frustrated and resentful which caused me to be angry or depressed most of the time.  Desiring an outcome for our lives but doing nothing about it results in discouragement and disappointment.

Despite efforts to fill my days and nights with service to my family, the church and community there was an ache for something more.  I was going through the motions in every aspect of my life rather than really living and believing there was something more I could be. 

For me, it came down to recognizing my alternatives.  Things could stay as they were.  I had to ask myself, “how is that working for me?”  We have to remember what our loving Father in Heaven’s plan is for us.  He doesn’t want us to live in fear, pain and frustration.  No, He wants us to experience joy and happiness in this life.

The other alternative I had was that things could get worse and separation would be necessary.  I didn’t like how I behaved at home.  I was hurting the people I loved the most.  When thoughts of separation would enter my mind, they were overcome by a memory of the covenants I made in the temple and I did not want to be responsible for breaking the eternal family covenant.  So separation was not an option for me.

So the only other alternative was to change myself.  The desire to learn and the ability to apply healthy behavior was necessary.  But, I didn’t know where to start. 

There was a scripture that kept coming to my mind.  It’s found in Matthew 11:28

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am Meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Christ’s voice had been beckoning me.  I was just too prideful and too stubborn to submit.   I had been “doing” the gospel, and “doing” my family and “doing” my marriage without much inspiration or feeling.  I had been so busy DOING righteous things that I had failed to BECOME righteous.

Eventually, I gave it up.  I realized I could no longer “do” everything and “be” everything for everyone.  I laid down that yoke of perfect “doing” with a broken heart, realizing that I had failed.

We each face breaking points that humble us.  Ideally, those breaking points will draw us to our knees with a willingness to make changes in our lives.  My vulnerability brought me to my knees. 

At this time of my life I really asked myself, “so where is God?”  “Is He even there?”  I finally decided to pray to find out, “God, are you there?”

No answer came!  I wasn’t feeling any sense of the Holy Ghost.  NO bright lights, no burning feelings, nothing.  I got up off my knees feeling foolish and defeated.  I had learned to deal with feelings of being punished by God, but this felt different.  This was abandonment.  It was a very humbling experience to feel so utterly alone.

Several days later, a friend of mine invited me to attend an institute class with her.  I learned firsthand that when we are humble, contrite and broken hearted, we are teachable.  I felt every lesson was meant for me.  I was hearing the same gospel principles that I’d heard all my life, but this time it was different.  This time I was receiving it.  I was feeling the Holy Ghost testifying of the truthfulness of what I was hearing.  I learned a great deal about the Savior.  And I realized that I really didn’t know Him nor did I have a personal relationship with Him.

I remember having discussions on the subject of Faith in Christ.  We were asked the question, “How can we increase our faith in Christ?” The comments from the group were leaning towards “keep the commandments” and “reading the scriptures”, which are true faith builders, but to me at the time suggested that Christ is only involved in our lives when we’re relatively perfect, which I wasn’t even close.

Yet, I soon came to know that Christ isn’t in our lives to just minister to the whole, and the saved, but to those who are struggling and lost and at a loss as to how to proceed forward. 

To have faith in Christ we must first understand who Christ is, and where He is.  I don’t mean, that he is in heaven.  I mean, where He is in the barren fields of our own lives - our day to day existence.  We cannot have faith in something that is nonexistent or not active in their lives.  If you don’t know how Christ interacts with you, what His voice sounds like, how to receive answers to your prayers, or even how He answers them, then just having a concept of Christ will not be profoundly life changing, and you have very little to make your faith operate.

When you realize that Christ is the literal source of all truth, and that you hear His voice constantly in your life – first as your conscience, then further on as the powerful workings of the Holy Ghost, then you suddenly know where Christ is, what He’s doing, and how to become a disciple.

When you become aware and accept that this little voice of truth that has been niggling at you all your life is actually your Savior attempting to direct you into salvation, then you have in a very real way, “Come Unto Christ.”

I will never forget the feeling I had when the teacher bore testimony that Heavenly Father knew me personally and loved me personally.  I started to recognize that this was a new and living God.  I had, up until that point, believed in my father’s God, my mother’s God and my husband’s God. 

I knew I needed to gain my own individual personal testimony of the one and only true God and make Him mine.

Thus began the process of allowing God in His mercy to shatter the false images I had created of Him in my subconscious mind.  And it has been a process; an ongoing and continual process because I’m still learning and gaining knowledge about God, the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ and how He speaks to me through the Holy Ghost. 

You might be asking, “Why didn’t Heavenly Father answer me the nights I prayed asking Him if He was there?

If He had, would I have ever studied, prayed, served, and learned as much as I have?  If He had, I would have went on believing He was the same God I had falsely created Him to be.  He had to disconnect me from my idols and shatter the false image so I could learn who He truly is.

When we make this transition of giving up our false gods for the True God, we experience a change of identity.

I had up to that point believed I had to earn His love, earn His attention and earn His approval.  No, that’s not true.  Now I am learning of His perfect love, acceptance and approval of me.

Brad Wilcox said in his book Continuous Conversion and I completely agree, “True conversion occurs when we stop trying to earn heaven and start trying to learn it.

God’s delays are not always denials.  He tests our faith, but by doing so He educates it.  A God who asks nothing of us is making nothing of us, and that is not the case.  He created us to become like Him.”

My goal is to become like Christ.  I learn how to become like Christ by reading my scriptures, attending church, praying and doing good works.  I know when we hear those lists of “to dos” and we’re not doing them perfectly, it’s hard not to get discouraged and be tempted to give up.  Just remember, Heavenly Father doesn’t judge us by what we have done or haven’t done like they balance on a scale.  I believe Heavenly Father cherishes us for what He created us to BECOME and what we’ve learned along the journey to get there.

Over the course of several years, I have learned to take upon myself Christ’s yoke through obeying His voice, and I have learned to serve Him instead of myself and anyone else.

And guess what?  He tells me to get up each morning and go to work, just as before.  But now I go in His name, with His guidance, and it is a joy instead of drudgery. 

I don’t remotely claim to be perfect in anything – only striving obedience, or as obedient as my ongoing weaknesses and  imperfections allow. 

The Kingdom of God in Heaven is not a prize for the perfect, but the home of all who are willing to be perfected.

We are ALL favored children of a living, loving Heavenly Father.  We don’t EARN His favoritism by reading our scriptures, praying and serving.  By willingly and actively doing those things we LEARN just how favored we, the covenanted promised children already are.

The Lord has provided tangible ways for us to be connected to Him each day.  The Scriptures are one of those ways.  It’s not enough to merely breeze through the scriptures and check scripture study off our daily list, we must read with the intent to do something about what we learn.

Membership in His church alone doesn’t make us Disciples of Christ.  Discipleship is a personal quest and relationship with Jesus Christ and the Father developed through desire, obedience, and hungering and thirsting after them.  Membership surrounds us with truths, but it doesn’t make us receive them.  To actually “receive the truth” we must seek it out through diligent study, prayer and obedience.  

Christ leaves it to us to answer his invitation to come to Him with all our hearts.  But as our awareness of his reality increases – when we live the law of his covenant – I testify to you that we can experience the peaceful, healing influence of His Spirit.  Christ “pours out his spirit” on us insofar as we are willing to receive it.

It is my experience that in the act of service, in the act of fulfilling our duty, this is where the greater light and knowledge comes.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only true and living church on the earth.  It is not the only place where truth or Christ or faith or hope is found.  It is just the greatest of such places.  It holds the authority and the priesthood keys and is the only place that does.  It has within its doctrine, ordinances and structure everything that is necessary for every blessing mankind can see in mortality or in eternity.  We have a prophet selected by the Savior Himself.  This church has it all.

If you happen to be somebody who wonders; if you happen to be somebody who is experiencing doubt about the church or about the gospel or even about yourself;  THIS IS YOUR HOME!  You belong here with us, and you are badly wanted. 

I venture to say, that I think our bishopric desires a community of saints who are probing, who are discovering and who are testing their faith.  If you are finding doubts or asking questions, this is a safe and appropriate place to do that. 

I have certainly been in your shoes, doubting and questioning.  Yet, I decided a long time ago to live my life as if the gospel was true.  Here is the kicker:  that in the course of serving my family and fulfilling my church responsibilities, knowledge has in fact come.  The witness I sought has arrived.  Yet it has never come on my terms and never come to me on my timetable.  For me it has come in ways I can barely describe, and never on command. It simply came as a natural sequence of obedience.

I know with my whole heart that there is a living God in Heaven.  He is the Father of every soul who has ever or will ever come to earth.  I believe He is nearer than we imagine and He wants us to love Him with everything we have.

I know He sent His son, Jesus Christ, as a token of His love and as THE WAY to return to live in His presence.

The Savior is my strength.  I have experienced both His redeeming power and His enabling power.  I can testify that these powers are real and available to you.

I love the Holy Scriptures.  They are anchors to my soul.  They are healing.  They are powerful.  I thank those who gave everything they had so that I could hold them in my hands and read their inspired words.  They mean so much to me. 

I know that Jesus Christ will come again to this earth.  I look forward to that day and devote my life to being a disciple of Him.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

I have been reading once again the book, Bonds That Make Us Free by C. Terry Warner.  This is the third time I have read this book.  It is just that type of book that you need to read over and over again.  It’s that concept; if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.  

Here is part of the description for the book so you have an idea why I have been guided to read it again.

“Bonds That Make Us Free is a ground-breaking book that suggests the remedy for our troubling emotions by addressing their root causes. You'll learn how, in ways we scarcely suspect, we are responsible for feelings like anger, envy, and insecurity that we have blamed on others.  Even though we fear to admit this, it is good news. If we produce these emotions, it falls within our power to stop them. But we have to understand our part in them far better than we do, and that is what this remarkable book teaches.”

I have an example and a direct answer to prayers regarding what I’m learning from this book.  I have been prompted to share this with you as recorded in my journal.

Maleah, our youngest daughter, has struggled to eat a well balanced meal from a very young age.  She loves to snack on “junk” food throughout the day, but when it comes to meal time she plays with her food, cutting it in tiny pieces spreading it all over her plate so it may look less than it was to begin with.  When we force her to try something, later I will find that she had spit it out in her napkin.  We feel she is being stubborn, defiant and quite possibly trying to make our lives difficult.

As parents we want our children to be healthy and strong.  We know eating a well balanced meal is the answer.  So you can imagine this has been a real struggle for us and we have tried just about any method suggested to us without success.  I am her mother, I prepare her food, and therefore, I am responsible, right?

I’ve exhausted my efforts and decided I was helpless to change the way Maleah is eating.  I have made it a matter of sincere, humble prayer to know what the Lord wants me to do to ensure Maleah is healthy. 

I am at the chapter in the book where it teaches about allowing people to become real to us changes our perspective and our attitude and behavior toward them.

Yesterday after dinner I was at the sink rinsing my plate.  Maleah was left at the table still attempting to eat.  Out of the blue Maleah asked me, “Mom, what is one thing you don’t like about yourself?”

I paused for a second in an utter stupor as to why she would ask that and what should be my response.  I had an answer come quickly because the thing I don’t like about myself has been forefront on my mind and hence the reading of this book for the third time.  I responded, “ the thing I don’t like about myself is how I treat dad and how I react to him”. 

Granted Boyd is out of town or I’m certain that would not have been my public response.

I didn’t see the reaction on Maleah’s face because out of sheer embarrassed and shame I didn’t look up from what I was doing. 

Shortly after I heard her voice, “the thing I don’t like about myself is that I can’t understand why I don’t like to eat”. 

I looked up from what I was doing and saw tears forming in her eyes.  My heart immediately felt a stir, a change, a softening.  It’s hard to describe.  I knew in that second I was looking at my daughter with new eyes.  She became real to me.

I immediately stopped doing dishes and I went to her.  She met me half way and threw herself into my arms hiding her tear streaked face in my shoulder. 

I can’t remember everything I said to her but I do remember telling her that I was sorry she felt that way and that I loved her very much regardless of whether she eats or not.  I told her “that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know how you feel right now and they weep when you weep.  They want to help you overcome those things you don’t like about yourself.  How about in your personal prayers you ask Him what you should do to overcome your fear, anxiety or whatever it is that is stopping you from eating”. 

She really perked up when I mentioned that.  I continued to hold her and kiss her sweet cheek as my heart melted in my chest.

I had no idea that she had been struggling inside.  I had no idea that she didn’t like that about herself.  My eyes had been darkened and could only see her outside appearance as being rebellious and carefree.  Now I was free to see her more clearly.

I felt a new bond between us that was not there before.  By her opening up and being true and honest my heart was able to change and soften towards her.  What melted my heart was the sight of my daughter broken and contrite.  This image cracked the hardened shell of my self-concern for her.  It disrupted the certainty with which I had judged her.

When she became more real to me, I became a more “real” person – more open and responsive to her outside of myself being her mom. 

Seeing another’s helplessness and vulnerability can do this to us.  To realize that behind an indifferent or arrogant façade another person is struggling just to claim a place in the world, a place she does not really believe she deserves.  This blows our superior attitude to smithereens.

Reconsidering Maleah I could see how big a part I had played in any problems between us and that her part in them had depended heavily on mine.

In reality, we have plenty of opportunities that are able to soften and humble us and open our fearful, judgmental, hardened hearts.  Whether those realities have that effect depends upon our opening ourselves to them.

What softened my heart was not merely learning new information.  Information can affect us only to the extent that we allow it.  In order for the truth about a person to affect us, we must be receptive.  We must have eyes to see. 

I had been praying asking what I could do for her.  I opened my heart willing to receive and do whatever He asked of me.  He lovingly provided a way for me to see her as He sees her.  What I do with this new information is up to me.

All the willpower I could muster had failed to extinguish my accusations in my heart.  Yet the simple truth, something about her, set me FREE and I no longer retain hardness toward her any longer.

The new sight could humble me only because I allowed it to.  My own responsiveness to the Holy Ghost teaching me the truth is the critical factor.

Down Syndrome

Sunday evening a member of the Young Women’s presidency asked if I could come to the YW meeting on Wednesday and talk to the girls about Down Syndrome.  A 13 year old girl named Ferrah with Down  Syndrome recently moved into our ward.  She specifically asked if I could help the girls know how to act or to respond to Ferrah.  She is an active young lady during their meetings.

The next couple of days I prayed asking Heavenly Father what He wanted me to teach them about Down Syndrome.  Thoughts and impression immediately started coming to my mind.  They didn’t come directly as to what to tell the children to do and how to act around Ferrah.  Yet, bits and pieces of information about these special children’s spirit life came and then was followed by me pondering and asking more questions in prayer.

The main question that arose in my mind was why these children with handicaps don’t need to be baptized. Neither of my brothers with Down Syndrome were baptized.  I remember learning pretty young that it was not necessary.  Why was it not neccessary for them?  In the Second Book of Nephi Chapter 3, Nephi tells why Christ was baptized.  Men must follow Christ, be baptized, receive the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end to be saved.  Repentance and baptism are the gate to the strait and narrow path—Eternal life.

I put that together in my mind with the knowledge I had of when children pass away before the age of accountability they are ensured a place in the Celestial Kingdom.   It was not necessary for them to endure a full life of mortality on earth.  Why?

The more I thought and pondered on these question, the more I received.  At the temple on Tuesday it was difficult to focus on the movie as impression and ideas about these special children flooded my mind.

The impressions I received was that in the spirit world these children fulfilled all that was required of them.  If I understood the impressions correctly, basically, somehow, they fulfilled all the Lord’s commandments and covenants in the spirit world.  My mind phrased that to say, their election and promises were made sure in the spirit world.  They had a secure place among the Kingdom of God.  And mortality was not a crucial eternal step for them to accomplish.

From that thought my mind moved upon the idea that they were not allowed to come to earth in normal bodies like us because with their election made sure they would have a huge advantage over us.  The Lord wouldn’t have it that way.

Every spirit has a choice to accept a body and come to earth.  It is God’s plan that we learn and grown in mortality and through that learning process if done in righteous obedience we gain our eternal existence.  Yet, I was impressed to think that these special children somehow already gained their eternal existence without necessarily needing the mortal experiences to learn it. 

So I came to conclusion that these individuals who in all tense and purposes could have chosen to stay in the spirit world until the resurrection, willingly chose to still come to earth.  Why?  Because; They came for us!  They sacrificed and chose to come in less than perfect bodies because of their perfect love for Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and for us.

Having that information enter my mind and then my soul gave me a whole new perspective when I come in contact with a handicapped child.  I wish I had that knowledge when I was growing up in a home with two brothers with Down Syndrome.  Instead I admit I was often times embarrassed of them and remember walking 10 steps behind my family so people wouldn’t know I was associated with them.  I am so ashamed.

This was the answer to my prayers.  This is what the Lord wanted me to teach the group of girls who will each week have contact with Ferrah.  This is information I needed to know at their age.  What a pleasure to share this truth with them.

After I explained this new found truth to them I asked them, “what is the first commandment”.  “To love God” was the response from one girl.  I followed that with, “How do we show our love to Heavenly Father?”  They responded with all the right answer, “prayer, making good choices, going to church, reading our scriptures, keeping the commandments and serving.”

I told the girls of the story when the resurrected Christ came to Peter and several other disciples while they were fishing.  The fishermen were having no success catching fish.  Jesus told them to put their nets on a right side of the boat.  They obeyed and caught a multitude of fish.  They all went to the beach and had a fish fry and were fed temporally and spiritually by Jesus. 

Afterwards, Jesus asked Peter the same question three times.  “Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me?”  Peter responded each time with, “thou knowest that I love thee”.  Jesus counters back with, then “feed my sheep”. 

I then asked the girls what was Jesus asking Peter to do?  What does it mean to feed His sheep?  We came to the conclusion Jesus was telling Peter and He tells all of us to “Love and fellowship ALL of His children.”

At this point in the conversation with the girls I explained how when we show love, kindness and fellowship towards another that very act creates an opening in our hearts to then feel and receive God’s love for us.  

God’s love is real and constant.  I tried to make it clear to them, that we don’t EARN God’s love when we show love, kindness and fellowship to others.  We LEARN it!  Because when that spot in our heart is opened and we receive God’s love we are learning just how much He perfectly and unconditionally loves us.  We are being fed spiritual truths when we “feed” others.

It’s like when we pray and read our scriptures.  We don’t become favored of the Lord by doing those personal things.  What happens when we pray, read, and study is that we LEARN just how favored we already are and always have been by the Lord.  We don’t earn favoritism, we learn how favored we are as His precious child.

Interacting and accepting a relationship with an individual with special needs and the unique challenges that come with Down syndrome is a great opportunity to learn God’s love.  Certain aspects of His unconditional love can’t be learned any other way.  It is pretty easy to love a friend that thinks and acts pretty much the same as us.  It is a whole different story to love and accept a person who at times can be embarrassing, annoying, loud, hurtful and sometimes unresponsive to our gestures of kindness and love.  Imagine how much God’s love we can learn and feel by accepting this opportunity.

I told the girls, “It is not a mistake that Ferrah moved into our ward.  We all need to experience God’s perfect love.  What a blessing He has given us an opportunity to know Him through our interaction with Ferrah.  The choice is now ours to accept or reject this opportunity.”

“I wish I could tell you how to accept her, how to love her and how to react to her, but I can’t.  Yet I know who can tell you and show you.  Heavenly Father knows each and every one of you personally and He knows what type of love you are capable of learning and expressing.  He knows Ferrah and what she is capable of teaching us.  I invite you to pray and ask Heavenly Father what you can do to love and accept Ferrah?  Ask Him how you should react when Ferrah does things so differently than you?  The Holy Ghost is your constant companion and He will direct your thought, words and actions when you ask with a sincere heart willing to do all that He asks of you.  Of this I testify in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

As I was recording this in my journal I was prompted to read in John 21 the story of Jesus asking Peter, “lovest thou me?” again.  I had forgotten how right after this, Jesus foretells of Peter’s martyrdom.  And then after that He explains John’s translation.  I didn’t understand the verses 20-25.  So I went into some deeper study at gospeldoctrine.org and recalled that this was the disciple, John the Revelator, who had asked Jesus if he could stay on the earth so he could bring more souls unto Him.  John desired that he might do more, or a greater work yet among men than what he had before done.

This warmed my soul and once again confirmed that these special spirits like my brothers, Troy and David and Ferrah with Down Syndrome chose to come “tarry” on earth.  They could have chosen to stay in the spirit world, or even to come gain a body and leave this earth quickly.  Yet, they chose to come in less than perfect bodies so we could learn the true love of God.  They, like John, desired to do greater work among men than you and I.

I found great comfort in this quote by Neal A Maxwell.

"While striving to walk the same straight and narrow path as other disciples, it is unwise for us to make comparisons. Peter questioned what John was to do. Jesus' rejoinder was, 'What is that to thee? Follow thou me. ' (John 21:22.) We mortals do not have all the data even on ourselves, let alone on others. But God does. Having faith in Him includes faith in His purposes not only for ourselves but also for others. Only He who carried the great cross can fully compare crosses.

Here is another quote I love by Jeffrey R Holland.

“My beloved brothers and sisters, I am not certain just what our experience will be on Judgment Day, but I will be very surprised if at some point in that conversation, God does not ask us exactly what Christ asked Peter: "Did you love me?" I think He will want to know if in our very mortal, very inadequate, and sometimes childish grasp of things, did we at least understand one commandment, the first and greatest commandment of them all-"Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind." (Luke 10:27) And if at such a moment we can stammer out, "Yea, Lord, thou knowest that I love thee," then He may remind us that the crowning characteristic of love is always loyalty.”

"If ye love me, keep my commandments," Jesus said. So we have neighbors to bless, children to protect, the poor to lift up, and the truth to defend. We have wrongs to make right, truths to share, and good to do. In short, we have a life of devoted discipleship to give in demonstrating our love of the Lord. We can't quit and we can't go back...”

Promptings

I have noticed the promptings of the Holy Ghost more and more each day.  It is awesome!  I feel the need to record a few instances. 

This incident happened a week ago.  I had just served in the temple and the Bishop’s storehouse and I was driving in the middle lane traveling on the George Bush turnpike when a car quickly changed lanes from the left into my lane.  It was fairly quick and caused my heart to flutter a second for fear we might collide. Then once again he moved over to the lane on the right quite quickly.  I noticed the driver then took the immediate exit off the freeway.  I heard myself say, “boy, that man almost missed his exit”. 

I was amazed at how I responded.  I recall many times responding in not so generous ways and even verbally expressing discontent towards fellow drivers.  I knew that second that the Holy Ghost brought those calm words to me so I could think of that man and NOT myself in that moment.

Today, I was in my office and glanced out the window.  I noticed my neighbor finally removing branches from a tree in his front yard that had been trimmed well over a week ago.  He was loading them in the back of a pickup truck and obviously going to take it to the dumps.  The spirit prompted me to go out and help him.  I brushed it aside briefly.  I responded, “Lord, I hear you, but really I must leave in about 15 minutes to go volunteer at the school.  How much could I really get done in 15 minutes?”

The Lord didn’t accept my response to let me "off the hook" and neither did I because I did not feel justified enough to sit back down and continue reading my institute notes. 

I immediately went outside and started small talk with my neighbor as I picked up piles of brush and loaded them into his truck.  The truck was full exactly when my phone alarm went off reminding me of my assignment at the school.  I was truly amazed at how much we got done in 15 minutes.  He thanked me for my help and I headed to school and he headed to the transfer station to unload.

My assignment at the school was complete in less than an hour.  Upon returning home, my contractor had parked his truck in my driveway blocking me from entering my garage.  I pulled my van in front of my neighbors’ house since that was the only place to park and I viewed his front yard.  There was still a great deal of small pieces of twigs and branches which he mentioned he would just run over with his mower later.

 

Again, I was prompted to pick them up and dispose of them in my empty trash bin.  It took me only 10 minutes to rake them up along with all leaves into a pile and then fill my trash bin.  It felt good!

I have never served my neighbor before and all the while I worked I had feelings of glorifying my Heavenly Father.  I was acting for and in behalf of Him.  He asked and I obeyed, it was so simple.  What a great privileged and blessing that He could rely on me.  

I Will Never Be The Same

We have a family in our ward whose seventh child was born on April 9^th with congenital leukemia.  The doctor estimated that between 0.5-1lb of her 8 lb weight is leukemia cancer cells. Chemotherapy represents her best option for survival. The treatment course will likely last for months while she remains in the hospital.

Our ward members have rallied together and helped provide childcare for the six children so the parents can go to the hospital every day and meals have been provided to help assist in any way.

An on-line calendar has been created for the family to post the service opportunities.  Individuals log-in the calendar, view open opportunities and accept assignments that they can provide.  It is actually a very effective and efficient way to organize and render service for this family.

On Saturday when I logged in I noticed the task for childcare on Sunday afternoon was still available and I worried that these parents would not be able to go see their daughter unless that position was filled.  So, I accepted it with a tiny bit of reservation of not wanting to give up my quiet Sunday afternoon with my own family.

On Sunday morning right before heading to church I received a text from the coordinator asking for me to confirm that I was still available to accept the assignment to watch the six children ranging in age from 2 to 13 years in their home from 1:30 – 4:30pm.  I replied with a “Yes”.   The text that followed my response was, “the parents are not going to the hospital but are going to take advantage of that time to nap”.

My response was immediate and I started typing on my phone, “seriously?  I’m sacrificing time way from my family on the Sabbath so they can SLEEP”.  I didn't even complete that sentence before something inside of me said “Stop, don’t send that”.  I turned my phone off and walked away.

As I drove to church my emotions were whirling between anger, resentment and regret.   Anger because I think of their oldest daughter who is 13 and why can’t she help watch the little ones safe in her own home while the parents sleep upstairs; resentment because no one ever watches my children so I can take a nap; and regret because why did I accept this assignment on a Sunday when we are supposed to spend it with our own families.

As I got closer to the church I tried to push those emotions aside because I knew those feelings were not from the Lord and I couldn't enter His house with such negative feelings.  Unsuccessful to push them aside, I entered anyways because I knew I needed to be there.

I wanted to talk to a friend who could set my emotions straight and could help me refocus on what was important about service.

Or, did I want to run to a friend who would agree with my emotions and justify them so I could feel better.

As church services started my mind and heart were desperately searching for scriptures and quotes that focused on service in hopes that I could find comfort in remembering the real reason we sacrifice to serve one another regardless of the circumstances. 

Yet the ugly kept overtaking the good.  A battle was raging inside and I feared I couldn't conquer it alone.

I was expected to enter this family’s home in less than four hours and I did NOT want to enter with resentment in my heart.  It wouldn't do them any good.  I knew the family deserved better.  They were suffering with far greater afflictions than I could even imagine. 

During the sacrament, I prayed asking for the Lord’s peace to enter my heart and remove these feelings of resentment.  There was peace, yet it was soon accompanied by feelings of guilt and shame for having had the feelings.  What does that say about me when I question the reason I should sacrifice my time to help another?

Among the feelings of peace came the idea to visit with the Bishop.

“Really?”  I thought and even questioned.

I started to rationalize why I was being prompted to go to the Bishop.  He was the only safe person I could share my emotions with that wouldn't agree with me nor help me justify them.  Because they were wrong!  And I started to realize I had to confess my sin of selfishness and repent in order to have these unrighteous emotions removed.

It was a very humbling experience to enter his office and ask for a few minutes of his precious time.  I guess my emotions were written with black ink across my forehead because he immediately and graciously asked me to shut the door and invited me to sit down.

I attempted to cover my shame by covering my face as I confessed my weaknesses of selfishness, resentment and pride.  His words were simple yet so full of love and kindness.  He asked if I would like a Priesthood blessing before I left his office.  I accepted.

I left his office with a heavy burden lifted from my shoulders.  In fact, I was excited.   I hurried home and prepared a bag full of games, puzzles, activities and snacks.  I felt like a teenager preparing for her first childcare job. 

I experienced a wonderful afternoon caring for those precious children while their parents received some much needed sleep.  That family was worth every second of my time.   It may not have made a difference to them whether I was there or not.  The children could have played quietly enough those few hours so their parents could sleep.

But it made a difference to me.  I will never be the same.

"I used to think I could shape the circumstances around me,
but now I know the Lord uses circumstances to shape me."  Bob Goff