The Lord is my Shepherd

The ending of my last post was; “I was broken and too weak to make it on my own.  I came back to Texas.”

In Psalm 23:1, David acclaims:  “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

This is the place where God wants to bring us.  He wants us to be dependent on him and only him.  Now there is a problem.  If the Lord is your shepherd, what are you?  You are a sheep.  Great!

Why do you think the Lord so often uses the analogy of shepherd/sheep when he is talking about his relationship with us?  What is it about sheep that makes them a good representation of who we are?  Well, they wander off and they don’t know what’s good for them.  They lack wisdom and strength.  They are self-destructive.  The Bible says in Isaiah 53:6 “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.”  It’s not very encouraging, but I guess when you think about it we are a lot like sheep.

The shepherd’s job is to keep the sheep together, to keep them fed, to keep them safe, and to keep them from wandering off.  When a particular lamb would continually wander off, the shepherd would break its leg as a way of protecting it.  Then he would carry it. 

When the shepherd picks up that little lamb with the broken leg, it just snuggles itself in his arms.  It isn’t angry or afraid.  It doesn’t blame the shepherd.  It doesn’t know why the shepherd broke its leg, but it does know how much the shepherd loves it and it trusts its protector.  The sheep never questions the love of the shepherd.  It has experienced the shepherd’s loving care and watched as he fought off the wolf.  The lamb knows that the shepherd would lay down his life for the sheep; he feels safe in the presence of the shepherd. 

The Lord "broke" me, not my Stake President.  I didn’t realize then because I was angry and afraid.  I wanted to blame someone for my brokenness.  I had an entire list of people in my life that had hurt me.  I didn’t know the extent of the Shepherd’s love for me, but I know now.

I came home to Texas.  My husband welcomed me home with open arms.  He had no clue how much I was hurting inside.  It didn't seem to do any good trying to explain how empty I felt inside.  I just determined this must be my pathetic life.  I didn't deserve to be happy.  I didn't expect to be loved. 

Yet, I desired to love others.  I wanted to make other people happy.  Somehow the efforts I made to love others filled the hollowness I felt inside.  I found that if I stayed busy, involving myself and my children in many activities I wouldn’t feel so alone. 

I volunteered here and there and everywhere I could.  Anything to make me look good, to cover up my weaknesses, to not let anyone see who I was inside.  Honestly, I didn’t know who I was.  I was missing something.  I didn’t feel whole or complete.

I smothered my friends.  I desired their company and attention so I wouldn’t be alone to my thoughts and feeling.

I allowed the pain and anguish caused by my own mistakes, those brought on by others, and the world to define who I was.

But keeping up that appearance of, “Tresa, can do it all.  Tresa, the overachiever” was killing me physically and mentally.  I wasn’t feeling any closer to my Heavenly Father by doing it all.  I obviously didn’t quite understand the scripture, “By grace you are saved, After all you can do”.  I just thought I must not be doing enough; I must not be worth it to my Heavenly Father because I don’t feel “saved” by Him!  I was trying so hard to do the right things but I wasn’t finding the peace and joy that so many people talk about.

I was giving up trying!

Three months after I returned from my summer trip, I received a call from the stake secretary asking if I could meet with the stake president.  I put on my happy face and was determined to appear normal and calm.  There was no way I was going to open my wounded heart again.  I had built some pretty sturdy walls around my injuries by now.  No one was going to get through. 

The meeting was to release me from my calling in the stake primary presidency.  Of course, he did ask me at one point during the meeting “how are you doing”?  My wall was firm and unbreakable; “great, I am doing great”.  He politely thanked me for my dedication and service to the stake primary children and leaders.  He mentioned that they would keep me serving in the stake longer, but that my Bishop felt I was needed to serve back in the ward.

I received a call to serve as 2^nd counselor in our ward relief society presidency. 

To be continued……..

The Final Fall

I titled this post “The Final Fall” because I have fallen several times throughout my life, yet this final fall shattered all my hope. 

Just over three years ago I scheduled an appointment with my Stake President.  It took me over a year to build up enough courage to make that call and schedule the appointment to visit with him.  The event that sparked my interest was a Stake Conference where our Stake President gave a talk on a sensitive matter dealing with intimacy in marriage. He mentioned very clearly that if anyone was struggling with these types of issues to please come visit with him.  His talk, given with love and concern, turned a light on and gave me a sliver of hope.  I was drowning in despair. 

I had struggled personally and quietly for most of my married life.  I felt alone in my struggle.  How could I ever talk to anyone about intimacy?  I had pretty much accepted the fact that what I felt my marriage was lacking was in fact punishment handed down to me from my Heavenly Father because of my youthful sins. 

Yet, that talk given one Sunday afternoon made me think otherwise for a minute or two. 

It didn’t last long, for as soon as I stepped out of the chapel doors, I heard the same voice that I had listened to for so many years.  “You don’t deserve the type of love you’re searching for.  You are not worthy of Joy.  It’s your fault, no one to blame but yourself.”

The sliver of light and hope within me was snuffed out.

Over a year later, I was serving with that same Stake President in the Stake Primary Presidency.  I watched and observed him serve in his calling with honor and integrity.  I heard him pray on behalf of every member in our Stake and felt confident that he loved and cared for me too.  He was a man of God.  Always seeking to do the Lord’s will on behalf of the members he presided. 

The courage to visit with him regarding that sensitive issue came alive again inside of me.  So I made the call.

It took every ounce of courage to walk into his office that lonely night.  I poured my heart out on the table in his office.  I placed my heart in his hands desperate for him to heal me of the pain I was suffering.  He was so compassionate and caring as he listened through my lengthy spewing of words and short gasps of air between sobs.  Near the end of the visit came with the words that provided hope.  “I would like you and your husband to come visit with me in the next couple of day.  I will have my executive secretary call you to set that up.  If I can’t help you through some of these issues, I will provide you with a great marriage counselor who can”.

I walked out of that building with a huge load lifted from my shoulders.  I felt lighter as if I could just float to my vehicle. 

I patiently waited for the phone call from his secretary so I would be able to visit with him again because the heaviness was starting to fill me again.

The phone lay silent.  Every time I returned home I checked the messages first thing only to find the dial tone the same constant buzzing sound.

The anticipation was changing into anguish and despair.

After ten long days of waiting in silence, I decided I would make the call to his secretary.  Maybe, I misunderstood and in fact I was supposed to call him.  I leave a message explaining briefly my desire to schedule a follow-up appointment. 

The phone didn’t ring.

All hope was lost.

I had placed my broken heart on his table in hopes that he could repair it and make me whole again.

Only to be forgotten and my heart discarded.

I saw my Stake President as such an inspired man.  Surely, Heavenly Father was prompting him to remember me.  I even saw him and he saw me at a couple Stake meetings… yet nothing.

A different kind of pain settled in my heart. 

I had learned to deal with the feelings of being punished by God, but this felt different.  This was abandonment.  There was no hope left.

It was now time for our Summer trek to visit family like we do every year.  Just the kids and I travel across country to visit family and friends between Arizona, Utah and Idaho.  Boyd flies to meet us when there is a special occasion and work allows him some time off. 

This year was different.  I was quietly leaving my married life in Texas behind.  I packed up the van for not just five weeks this time, but forever.  I wanted to run away from the pain that overwhelmed me.  I wanted to hide, but where would I hide?

As I visited each family along the way, I questioned myself, “Would this family be willing to take me and the kids into their home until I could find a place of my own?”  Nothing felt right.  I didn’t know what was right anymore.

I was broken and too weak to make it on my own.  I came back to Texas.

Heavenly Father allows us to be broken because He loves us.  Not too often do we hear someone say, “I grew deeply in my faith and closer to God when my life was going smoothly.”  It appears evident, by countless testimonies, that God is mostly found in the valleys or dips of life.  Of course, I didn’t see or feel Heavenly Father’s love for me at that time because my heart was too full of pain, anger and resentment.  There was no room left for love.

His purpose in my brokenness was to bring me into an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ.  He desired me.  He wanted a relationship with me first before He could work on my intimacy in my marriage.  We can’t hide our hearts from Heavenly Father.  He loves us enough to expose the parts that need breaking in order that we might be made whole.

To be continued......

Maleah's Mite

I received an email from a member in our Stake over a week ago.  The email informed me of a family whose 20 month old son was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma and they were putting together an area wide yard sale to earn money for his doctor bills.  I felt compassion for this family. 

I remembered that my girls over the Summer had been compiling toys that they no longer play with and were putting them in bags in the attic for when our family could have a yard sale.  They love it when we can do that because they received the money we earn from their toys to then go purchase new toys.

When the girls came home from school, I read them the email and asked if they would be willing to donate the bags of toys they had collected for this great cause to help another.  They were on board!!  

Maleah's birthday is tomorrow and she will turn 7 years old.  My little one is growing up too fast.  Monday, she received a birthday card in the mail from her grandparents which included a $5 bill.  I watched as Maleah starred at the bill for a few minutes.  I assumed she was trying to figure out the value of that bill and what great toy she could buy with that new acquired money.  When to my surprise, she looked up at me and said, "Mom, could I give this money to that little boy with cancer"?  

My heart melted.  What an amazing example my children are to me as she was willing to give all that she had.  

Her example made me think of the Widow's Mite story found in Mark 12: 41-44. 

41 And Jesus sat over against the treasury, and beheld how the people cast money into the treasury: and many that were rich cast in much.

42 And there came a certain poor widow, and she threw in two mites which make a farthing.

43 And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury:

44 For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.

The Savior wants a willing and generous giver to help build up His kingdom and to help care for the poor and the needy of His church.  

This was such a humbling lesson for me.  Because what did I do when I read that email?  I thought of what my kids could give up and it included items they didn't want anymore.  I didn't think of what I could give.  My heart needs to be willing and generous to give up what I personally have.  

Broken Heart

Today, I picked my girls up from school and my little one entered our vehicle holding a treasure she found on her short walk from the school to the van.  She held her hands out proudly and presented me with a dried leaf that was a burnt dark color from the sun on one half and the other half formed a red heart signifying the change it was experiencing before the leaf fell to the ground.  As I looked closer at the treasure I noticed it's brokenness; a tear across the left side of the heart.  I assume that occurred from the impact of the fall from it's maker.

And I was reminded of my own fall from my Maker which resulted in my heart being broken.

One of the most difficult things to face in our walk of faith is that Heavenly Father allows us to be broken.  In those times when our lives are falling apart and we've lost the strength to carry on, we struggle to make sense of our suffering.  Heavenly Father, in all His wisdom, knows that, just like wheat, we cannot be used until we have been sifted.  He breaks every part of our lives that keeps us from Him. But, it's in the process where we can lose sight of what God is doing, and our faith may fail if we are not fully aware of His true nature and His omnipotent ways.

Heavenly Father breaks us or allows us to be broken because He loves us.  If we can stop looking at our troubles as punishment and start seeing them as opportunities to encounter God, we would find greater peace in the trials of life.  Our brokenness sheds light on our pride; when we are broken and only pieces of us remain, Heavenly Father is able to show us more of His power through our total dependence on Him.  Without our desperation we would never know our need for a Savior and Redeemer and we would never seek Him for a miracle.  His love wants to draw us nearer to Him.

I know this to be true because my heart was broken, even shattered.  Yet, Heavenly Father loved me enough to send His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ to earth to suffer and die for me.  Jesus Christ lovingly volunteered to experience every pain and sorrow that I have experienced and ever will experience so He would know first hand in the flesh what He needed to redeem me from.  I have been given a new heart, whole and complete, sealed with His love.  

If you have found yourself in a broken place, know that Heavenly Father is aware of you and your struggles. He has a plan and a blessing behind it all.  It's your brokenness that will make you more whole than you ever perceived you could be.

About Me?!

The blogger templates come with a premade section where I, the owner of the blog, should write a little bit about myself.  The name of that section on my side bar is deliberately titled “About Me”.  I struggle to complete that.  What should I convey about me in that small yet important section of my blog?

All I have written so far is “I am a stay at home mother of 4 children”.  Why is that all I can come up with to write “about me”?  Is it because my title as “Mother” is the most important part of my life right now?  Shouldn't it be?

I am truly blessed to be able to say “I am a stay at home mother” which means I don’t have to work out of the house.  So why couldn’t I even acknowledge my husband who provides so well for our family which enables me to be home instead of out making money? 

Maybe the lack of words in that section of the blog tells me a lot about myself.  Like perhaps, I don’t appreciate my husband and all that he does to provide for the family.  I have found myself several times when I talk to my children regarding something about their father that I will call him by his first name, Boyd, instead of referring to him as “your Dad”. Why?  Do I still hold resentment because I may not think my husband is the perfect father figure I want him to be?

Maybe I can’t seem to write anything else in the “about me” section because I’m still trying to find myself?  What does that really mean anyways?  I hear people say that about their wayward child, “He’s trying to find himself”.  Am I still a wayward child myself?

I didn’t even include the famous statement written all over billboards in Utah and Arizona, “I am a Mormon”.  I have always belonged to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Do I take that for granted also?

I admit that for most of my life I was lost in a darkness that clouded and distorted my view of myself.  Yet, I have seen and I embraced the Light that removed the dark covering over my eyes.  I have a clear picture and even better, a knowledge of who The Light is.  Jesus Christ searched for me and found me hiding in a hole of despair created by none other than myself.

I am in the process of becoming; Me.  Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, I have been given a new heart that is willing to become who Heavenly Father wants me to be.  To “become” is never really finished, is it?  It doesn’t receive a check mark at the end of the day signifying it is completed.  It is a continual process.

Maybe with time, I will be able to find more to write and include in the column titled “About Me”.

Preparing to write

Thanks to the help of a very dear friend of mine, I have my blog up and running.  Yet, I struggle to really know where to start.

Do I start 3 years ago when I fell, reached up and found God.  Or do I start today and go backwards?  By sharing my spiritual journey, I will have to expose my sinfulness.

I also selfishly say to myself, if I’m going to spend time writing I want people to read. How do people find my blog?  Why would they want to read this blog post?  Who can I reach? Who does Heavenly Father need me to reach? 

I am a follower of some really, really amazing blogs.  I have turned to many blogs in the past week and I find myself in tears.  I can never write like her?  She has over 2000 followers and I have none.  There is a reason she has that many, she writes so well and I feel it in my heart.  I don’t know what I am doing.  I am so afraid to fail Him.  I am simply obeying with blurry eyes not sure where He is taking me. 

Today, Heavenly Father clearly opened a window that provided me a view with these humbling words.

The call of God is not to make you popular. It’s to make a difference. If you can abandon your need to be liked, you can be a great writer. You can be used to seep Truth into places of which you are unaware.

You never know who is reading. Your experience and your questions are not unique to you. What is unique to you is your voice and your calling. One of the hardest parts of writing is when you have to write without needing to know if you’re being heard. If you’re only writing for acceptance, then you’re not writing anything worth reading. You are merely the thick fluff that the thirsty must cut through to find the Living Well.

When God has given you a gift for writing, you are not the work that is on display. He is. If you look at a bouquet of flowers and marvel about the vase that holds them, then the florist did something wrong.

Would your writing be different if you were doing it anonymously? Write like that.

When you hit “publish” and it makes you feel exposed, that’s when you know you’ve written something that matters. People stop cutting through the fluff when they find that stuff. They stop for a drink. You may never know it, but they do.

Why the title?

The heart is a symbol of our desires and thoughts, of who we truly are inside.

"A willing heart describes one who desires to please the Lord and to serve His cause first.  He serves the Lord on the Lord's terms, not his own.  There are no restrictions to where or how he will serve.  Serve the Lord with all your heart, might, mind and strength."  Marvin J Ashton

What does the Lord require for service?  A willing heart and intense desire. The Lord will use us if we will listen.

This blog is dedicated to my loving Heavenly Father.  It is through His promptings and encouragement that this blog has been created.  He has asked me to share my spiritual awakening and continual journey with my friends and family.  From the moment I understood the will of my Heavenly Father, I felt a determination to go forward, believing that He would support me by His almighty power and endow me with every qualification that I needed.  Heavenly Father does not lie and He will not fail to carry me.