The Lord is my Shepherd

The ending of my last post was; “I was broken and too weak to make it on my own.  I came back to Texas.”

In Psalm 23:1, David acclaims:  “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

This is the place where God wants to bring us.  He wants us to be dependent on him and only him.  Now there is a problem.  If the Lord is your shepherd, what are you?  You are a sheep.  Great!

Why do you think the Lord so often uses the analogy of shepherd/sheep when he is talking about his relationship with us?  What is it about sheep that makes them a good representation of who we are?  Well, they wander off and they don’t know what’s good for them.  They lack wisdom and strength.  They are self-destructive.  The Bible says in Isaiah 53:6 “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.”  It’s not very encouraging, but I guess when you think about it we are a lot like sheep.

The shepherd’s job is to keep the sheep together, to keep them fed, to keep them safe, and to keep them from wandering off.  When a particular lamb would continually wander off, the shepherd would break its leg as a way of protecting it.  Then he would carry it. 

When the shepherd picks up that little lamb with the broken leg, it just snuggles itself in his arms.  It isn’t angry or afraid.  It doesn’t blame the shepherd.  It doesn’t know why the shepherd broke its leg, but it does know how much the shepherd loves it and it trusts its protector.  The sheep never questions the love of the shepherd.  It has experienced the shepherd’s loving care and watched as he fought off the wolf.  The lamb knows that the shepherd would lay down his life for the sheep; he feels safe in the presence of the shepherd. 

The Lord "broke" me, not my Stake President.  I didn’t realize then because I was angry and afraid.  I wanted to blame someone for my brokenness.  I had an entire list of people in my life that had hurt me.  I didn’t know the extent of the Shepherd’s love for me, but I know now.

I came home to Texas.  My husband welcomed me home with open arms.  He had no clue how much I was hurting inside.  It didn't seem to do any good trying to explain how empty I felt inside.  I just determined this must be my pathetic life.  I didn't deserve to be happy.  I didn't expect to be loved. 

Yet, I desired to love others.  I wanted to make other people happy.  Somehow the efforts I made to love others filled the hollowness I felt inside.  I found that if I stayed busy, involving myself and my children in many activities I wouldn’t feel so alone. 

I volunteered here and there and everywhere I could.  Anything to make me look good, to cover up my weaknesses, to not let anyone see who I was inside.  Honestly, I didn’t know who I was.  I was missing something.  I didn’t feel whole or complete.

I smothered my friends.  I desired their company and attention so I wouldn’t be alone to my thoughts and feeling.

I allowed the pain and anguish caused by my own mistakes, those brought on by others, and the world to define who I was.

But keeping up that appearance of, “Tresa, can do it all.  Tresa, the overachiever” was killing me physically and mentally.  I wasn’t feeling any closer to my Heavenly Father by doing it all.  I obviously didn’t quite understand the scripture, “By grace you are saved, After all you can do”.  I just thought I must not be doing enough; I must not be worth it to my Heavenly Father because I don’t feel “saved” by Him!  I was trying so hard to do the right things but I wasn’t finding the peace and joy that so many people talk about.

I was giving up trying!

Three months after I returned from my summer trip, I received a call from the stake secretary asking if I could meet with the stake president.  I put on my happy face and was determined to appear normal and calm.  There was no way I was going to open my wounded heart again.  I had built some pretty sturdy walls around my injuries by now.  No one was going to get through. 

The meeting was to release me from my calling in the stake primary presidency.  Of course, he did ask me at one point during the meeting “how are you doing”?  My wall was firm and unbreakable; “great, I am doing great”.  He politely thanked me for my dedication and service to the stake primary children and leaders.  He mentioned that they would keep me serving in the stake longer, but that my Bishop felt I was needed to serve back in the ward.

I received a call to serve as 2^nd counselor in our ward relief society presidency. 

To be continued……..