The Final Fall

I titled this post “The Final Fall” because I have fallen several times throughout my life, yet this final fall shattered all my hope. 

Just over three years ago I scheduled an appointment with my Stake President.  It took me over a year to build up enough courage to make that call and schedule the appointment to visit with him.  The event that sparked my interest was a Stake Conference where our Stake President gave a talk on a sensitive matter dealing with intimacy in marriage. He mentioned very clearly that if anyone was struggling with these types of issues to please come visit with him.  His talk, given with love and concern, turned a light on and gave me a sliver of hope.  I was drowning in despair. 

I had struggled personally and quietly for most of my married life.  I felt alone in my struggle.  How could I ever talk to anyone about intimacy?  I had pretty much accepted the fact that what I felt my marriage was lacking was in fact punishment handed down to me from my Heavenly Father because of my youthful sins. 

Yet, that talk given one Sunday afternoon made me think otherwise for a minute or two. 

It didn’t last long, for as soon as I stepped out of the chapel doors, I heard the same voice that I had listened to for so many years.  “You don’t deserve the type of love you’re searching for.  You are not worthy of Joy.  It’s your fault, no one to blame but yourself.”

The sliver of light and hope within me was snuffed out.

Over a year later, I was serving with that same Stake President in the Stake Primary Presidency.  I watched and observed him serve in his calling with honor and integrity.  I heard him pray on behalf of every member in our Stake and felt confident that he loved and cared for me too.  He was a man of God.  Always seeking to do the Lord’s will on behalf of the members he presided. 

The courage to visit with him regarding that sensitive issue came alive again inside of me.  So I made the call.

It took every ounce of courage to walk into his office that lonely night.  I poured my heart out on the table in his office.  I placed my heart in his hands desperate for him to heal me of the pain I was suffering.  He was so compassionate and caring as he listened through my lengthy spewing of words and short gasps of air between sobs.  Near the end of the visit came with the words that provided hope.  “I would like you and your husband to come visit with me in the next couple of day.  I will have my executive secretary call you to set that up.  If I can’t help you through some of these issues, I will provide you with a great marriage counselor who can”.

I walked out of that building with a huge load lifted from my shoulders.  I felt lighter as if I could just float to my vehicle. 

I patiently waited for the phone call from his secretary so I would be able to visit with him again because the heaviness was starting to fill me again.

The phone lay silent.  Every time I returned home I checked the messages first thing only to find the dial tone the same constant buzzing sound.

The anticipation was changing into anguish and despair.

After ten long days of waiting in silence, I decided I would make the call to his secretary.  Maybe, I misunderstood and in fact I was supposed to call him.  I leave a message explaining briefly my desire to schedule a follow-up appointment. 

The phone didn’t ring.

All hope was lost.

I had placed my broken heart on his table in hopes that he could repair it and make me whole again.

Only to be forgotten and my heart discarded.

I saw my Stake President as such an inspired man.  Surely, Heavenly Father was prompting him to remember me.  I even saw him and he saw me at a couple Stake meetings… yet nothing.

A different kind of pain settled in my heart. 

I had learned to deal with the feelings of being punished by God, but this felt different.  This was abandonment.  There was no hope left.

It was now time for our Summer trek to visit family like we do every year.  Just the kids and I travel across country to visit family and friends between Arizona, Utah and Idaho.  Boyd flies to meet us when there is a special occasion and work allows him some time off. 

This year was different.  I was quietly leaving my married life in Texas behind.  I packed up the van for not just five weeks this time, but forever.  I wanted to run away from the pain that overwhelmed me.  I wanted to hide, but where would I hide?

As I visited each family along the way, I questioned myself, “Would this family be willing to take me and the kids into their home until I could find a place of my own?”  Nothing felt right.  I didn’t know what was right anymore.

I was broken and too weak to make it on my own.  I came back to Texas.

Heavenly Father allows us to be broken because He loves us.  Not too often do we hear someone say, “I grew deeply in my faith and closer to God when my life was going smoothly.”  It appears evident, by countless testimonies, that God is mostly found in the valleys or dips of life.  Of course, I didn’t see or feel Heavenly Father’s love for me at that time because my heart was too full of pain, anger and resentment.  There was no room left for love.

His purpose in my brokenness was to bring me into an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ.  He desired me.  He wanted a relationship with me first before He could work on my intimacy in my marriage.  We can’t hide our hearts from Heavenly Father.  He loves us enough to expose the parts that need breaking in order that we might be made whole.

To be continued......