Assume the Good and Doubt the Bad

I felt I needed to post a quick note letting you know all is well in Texas.  I haven’t written for 10 days and it’s not because I haven’t wanted to.  I have just been enjoying the Holiday season with my family.  Bryce was home all last week from college.  It was so wonderful to have him home for the week of Thanksgiving.

Bryce and I attended the temple on Wednesday morning.  We hadn’t been in the temple together since his first time going through before his mission.  What a great experience.  The temple president was looking for a couple to be the witness couple for the small session we attended.  He asked if Bryce was my husband.  I politely responded, “He’s my son”.  President Packard was a little embarrassed and surprised.  I obviously still look younger than my age or Bryce looks older than his age.  We did leave the house early and Bryce didn’t have time to shave so he did have some reminisce of a beard.

This week I have been asked to serve on the Allen Stake Nativity Exhibit again.  Our Stake holds it every year and it is a wonderful event.  We set up the gymnasium with about 175 nativities from all around the world donated by ward members.  Then decorate the surrounding areas with trees, greenery and fabric to set the scene of Bethlehem.   It is breathtaking when it’s all completed.  The Spirit of the real meaning of Christmas is present and is felt.  There is a lot of time and effort put into the decorating, yet it’s all worth it in the end when we have usually around 500 non-members attend over the weekend.  It is a wonderful way to prove to the community that Mormons are Christians.

I am off to go work at the Stake Center all day.  Yet, I will leave you with a couple of quotes from General Conference to think about this week.

“Most people carrying heavy loads begin to doubt themselves
and their own worth.  We lighten their loads as we are
patient with their weaknesses and celebrate
whatever goodness we can see in them. 
The Lord does that!” 
~Henry B. Erying

"Think the best of each other, especially of 
those you say you love.
Assume the good and doubt the bad." 

~Jeffrey R. Holland

Faith Precedes the Miracle

My dear loving family how strong is your faith?

Tuesday I went to the Temple to do some of our family sealings of children to their parents and to also put dad’s name on the prayer rolls of the Temple.  I spent a great deal of time in the Celestial room just being still.  It wasn't until I was leaving the temple grounds did I receive the strong impression of why our father is suffering.

It is wonderful that we can go to the Temple and place a name on the altar asking for the faith and prayers of perfect strangers on behalf of those individuals that we place on a small white piece of paper.  However, it became very clear to me that wasn't enough.  I needed to enlist the FAITH and prayers of ALL of our family (ourselves, our spouses and each of our children) on behalf of our father/grandfather.  It became very clear at that moment why dad is suffering with cancer so soon after his last episode. 

Dad is sacrificing to help save us all.

Do you believe the Lord can heal our father or are we going to rely on mortal doctors and technology to dictate the length of time he has left on earth.  I testify to you all, that I know with perfect certainty that God can heal our father; whether He will, depends on our unified FAITH and God's sovereign plan.

So I am asking each of you again; How strong is your faith in the healing and saving power of Jesus Christ?  I’m not just asking, I’m pleading with you to ask yourself today, “Do I have a personal witness of the strength and power of Jesus Christ’s atonement to heal spiritual, emotional and physical wounds incurred during our mortal life on earth”.  

If you have only read or heard about such healings and haven’t experienced His healing power personally than how can your faith be strong enough to help heal our father/grandfather?

I spent most of my life going through the motions of what I thought was belief and faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  However, attending church and doing the best I could to keep the commandments didn’t get me very far.  It kept my hope alive for all those years.  Yet, it wasn’t until a great struggle in my life did I realize that hope wasn’t enough to save me from the despair of life experiences.  It takes FAITH!  And to develop faith in Jesus Christ’s atonement, you need to have a personal relationship with Him. 

Let HIM in your life!

I know I was afraid and scared to let Him in my life for fear of what He would find and what He would ask me to do.  I knew if I wanted a relationship with Him that it probably meant I would have to change.  Yet, I knew something had to change.  I hoped it was the individuals around me that needed to change.  But, No!  It was me! 

It has taken me three years to get to my faith set on Jesus Christ.  Our father has been given up to three years to live on this earth. 

What are you waiting for?

Hope for the Sleepless

This blog post was written for my father, Ron Dean, who is suffering with Cancer for the third time.  After suffering with Sciatic nerve pain for several weeks the doctors discovered a tumor in his spine that is a contusion on his nerve.  He is in tremendous pain.  He struggles to walk during the day.  He struggles to sleep at night.

I feel helpless!  Yet, not hopeless.

Hope is not a longing or yearning for God to help; it is not waiting for the slim chance that things may get better.  Genuine hope is the confidence that God is in your life and on your side, now and forever, and that nothing can separate you from his love.

True hope is resting in the unending love of your creator, expecting him to act on your behalf.

Joined with faith and love, hope is an essential and fundamental element of our lives.  Faith and hope are so closely linked that they cannot be separated and we find it difficult to discern the difference.  Still, there is a difference between them.  Faith is belief in the promises of God.  Hope is a soldier; it fights for us as we wait for the goodness of God to accomplish His will in and for us.

Hope is the confident expectation, the sure certainty that what God has promised, he will deliver.

“Lead me in thy truth, and teach me:  for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.” (Psalm 25:5)

When I think about my father’s pain that deepens at night time not allowing him any comfort to rest I turned to the scriptures trying to recall where we learn when someone struggled with pain that kept him up at night to try to find how they dealt with it.

I found the story of King David in 2 Samuel 15.  I imagine King David had many sleepless nights in the wilderness when he fled the city because we was being chased by his own son, Absalom.   His son had been conspiring against his father, the king.  He wanted to overthrow his father and take the crown and the throne for himself.  Can you imagine how King David felt as he was forced to run, to flee for his life?  He grieved for what had become of his family and his life.

I recognize that my father’s pain is physical pain and David’s pain was emotional pain.  Yet, they are both pain that keep us up at night.

In that wilderness, David had time to sit and contemplate; he had sleepless nights to cry out to Heavenly Father.  It is in that wilderness that the Lord gave David several Psalms, including Psalms 3, to quiet and comfort his spirit so he could get some sleep. 

“Lord, how are they increased that trouble me!  Many are they that rise up against me.  Many there be which say of my soul, there is no help for him in God.” (Psalms 3: 1-2)

David pours out his heart; he tells it like it is.  If he’s mad at God he tells him.  If he’s despair, he expresses that.  The Lord wants us to be authentic and real. 

Yet, this is where David’s hope and faith shine.

“But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.  I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the Lord sustained me.”

“I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about.  Arise, O Lord; save me!”

“Salvation belongeth unto the Lord:  thy blessing is upon thy people.”

I love this Psalm.  It tells us that it is possible in the depths of life’s darkest experience to still have hope in God. 

When you are in trouble it is good to go to Heavenly Father and ask for his help.  But let me share something that I have learned.  When you ask God for help he always gives it, but it is in His timing, it is on His terms and it may not be the help you are expecting.  Heavenly Father always gives us precisely what we need but not always what we ask for.  Sometimes it takes a while to discern what God is doing.  Help doesn’t always come tonight. 

So here is the question – how do I sleep tonight?  Do I grit my teeth and say, “Lord, I trust you for your help.”  Then do I just say to myself – “Sleep…..sleep!”  I have tried that and that doesn’t work. 

That is not what David did.  Let look at the verses again:

“But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up on mine head.  I cried unto the Lord with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill.” (Psalm 3: 3-4)

He doesn’t ask God for help at all.  David is in more trouble than he has ever been in his life, but in his sleepless, restless, and anxious night he doesn’t pray and ask God for help.  He turns his focus away from his problems and turns his attention to the Lord.

He focuses on who the Lord is:  “You are a shield around me.”

He focuses on what the Lord does:  “You lift my head.”

He focuses on how the Lord is there for him:  “I cry out and you answer me.”

David begins to meditate on who the Lord is, what the Lord does, and how the Lord has always been there for him.  And what is the result?

“I laid me down and slept”  

And then:

“I awaken; for the Lord sustained me.” (vs. 5)

Wow!  He sleeps like a baby and he wakes up refreshed.  Are his problems solved?  No!  His circumstances haven’t changed.  How does David feel in the morning?

“I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people that have set themselves against me”. (vs. 6)

His fear and anxiety are gone even though his circumstances have not changed.  We tend to think that if only things would change, then we wouldn’t feel so bad.  But think about it, his circumstances haven’t changed at all.  Nothing has changed – but David has changed.  His outlook and emotions have changed.

It’s a new day and how does David face it?

“Arise, O Lord; save me!”

More Than You Can Handle

Last Saturday Boyd and I attended the funeral of a little boy who had been fighting cancer for over a year.  He was just about to turn two years old in December.  More than half of his life was spent going through radiation, blood transfusions, surgeries and multiple hospital stays.  The young father gave a beautiful yet very difficult eulogy of his son’s short life.

I remember during his emotional talk a comment that he made and I can’t seem to get it off my mind.  I’m not sure why, but I have heard it said more in the past month than I have my whole life.  I have even said it a time or two myself when I’m going through a difficult struggle.

This apparently popular saying is; “The Lord never gives you more than you can handle.”

Sounds good, doesn’t it?  It seems to give us hope and strength to face one more day.  People say it and believe that no matter what we face, God is never going to allow you to deal with more than you can handle.  It may be what we want to hear, but it’s not what we need to hear.

After hearing that saying from this young father at his baby’s funeral, I couldn’t help but think; really?  What could be harder than watching your son fight cancer for a year and then having to bury him before he even turns two years old?

I decided to search the scriptures this week trying to find out where this saying originated from and why we have adopted it to get us through very difficult times in our lives. 

I think I found where it came from, yet I believe the truth has been twisted and misunderstood.

1 Corinthians 10:13 reads:

“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man:  but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”

There were many LDS talks quoting this scripture referring to “temptations”, not the troubles of life.  We can look at nearly every situation in the scriptures where the Lord shows up in miraculous ways and find that he ALWAYS gave people MORE than they could handle.  That’s when the Lord shows His power in people’s lives.

Moses was given more than he could handle.  He didn’t part the Red Sea on his own.  Daniel should have been devoured in the lion’s den.  Who could possibly handle walking into a fiery furnace by themselves?  Nephi could not have retrieved the plates with his own strength.  Alma was bound by chains within prison walls with no way out.  Even Jesus needed help carrying His cross.

I remember studying the life of Paul last year in my Bible class and being in awe of his faith when he found himself crushed beyond his ability to endure.  Here is what we learn from Paul in 2 Corinthians 1:8,

“For we would not, brethren, have you ignorant of our trouble which came to us in Asia, that we were pressed out of measure, above strength, insomuch that we despaired even of life”. (Paul thought they would never live through it; He expected to die)

Why would a loving Heavenly Father allow people to go through such anguish? I asked those questions because I didn’t understand His ways.  I understand it now that it is out of His great love that He allowed them to face the impossible.  Why?  We have to continue to read into the next verse to find the answer.

“But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead” (As a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead)

There is purpose through our pain.  Heavenly Father always gives us more than we can handle in order to reveal what He is able to do through our faith in Him.  He wants to show us that prayer works.  He wants to bring about miracles that go far beyond our imagination.  He wants to display His power, presence, and glory.  Without situations in life that we CAN’T handle, we would never need God to show up.  We would never have the opportunity to see our own Red Seas parted.  Who wants to miss out on that?

If Heavenly Father is only giving us what we can handle, we are not learning to depend on Him.  We are not stepping out in faith and our faith won’t grow. 

If you are facing situations that are far beyond your control, Heavenly Father may be trusting you more than you trust Him.  He obviously knows that He has given you a measure of faith that is much more than you think. 

If we will put away our fears and doubts and move forward in greater faith, knowing that every obstacle is an opportunity for faith to rise above, we will find ourselves experiencing the peace that Heavenly Father promises to give us as we trust in Him.

The Lord wants to bring us to a place where we realize we can’t do it without Him.  He wants us to fully realize that we need Him for everything we face in life. 

I felt I needed to put this in writing so I could REMEMBER.

Rescue

This morning my thoughts are turned towards my hurting son.  I’m afraid to label him as my "lost son" even though I fear he is.  He is one of the Lord’s lambs that have strayed from the fold.  He is grazing in what he feels is greener pastures just outside the comfortable embrace of the Shepherd. Yet, he isn't so far lost that I can’t notice him gazing back toward the fold once in a while wondering what he may be missing.

He informed us the other day that he doesn’t want to go on a mission.  He doesn’t want to attend BYU anymore. He isn’t even sure he can be a Mormon.  He told us he could do those things before and he went through the motions because he knows that is what we wanted to hear.  He feels he doesn’t have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and therefore, places himself out of reach from the Savior’s hand. 

I know NO ONE is out of reach from the Savior’s hand.

The bishop met once again with my son the other day.  He cares greatly for my son and is trying so diligently to rescue him.  Shortly after that visit, the bishop informed my husband that is was time he met with us, his parents.

My thoughts turn to what I expect the Bishop is going to tell us.  We need to step up us as parents.  You need to be holding regular Family Home Evening, family scripture reading and praying together as a family.  Those are what my husband is already telling me WE NEED to be better at in order to rescue our son.

My husband asks me what did we do wrong in raising him?   What could we have done differently? 

I have spent many hours asking myself those same questions.  I should have been a better mom.  Why didn’t I do this and why didn’t I do that?  If we did all the things the prophet told us to do as a family it would have made a difference.

The spirit has told me to stop focusing on the past and look forward to the future.

If I continue to think about all the things I should have done differently than I will be motivated by guilt going into the future. 

Motivation by guilt can improve our actions but from my experience it is usually short lived actions.  We strive to read scriptures as a family so we start only to stop a couple weeks later.  I get motivated after hearing a great talk in church about a fun Family Home Evening and so I put something similar together for my children only to find it didn’t go as well as I wanted it to run so I give up.  I invite my son to join us for prayers as I tuck the girls into bed.  Yet there is always an excuse so we go on without him.

I want to be motivated by the Spirit of the Holy Ghost not guilt.  The motivation and experience with personal revelation can move me to action far greater than guilt ever could.  And it brings the greatest peace and hope for the future.

I cannot save my son.  There is only One, Jesus Christ, who has the power and influence to save him.  Yet, I can and will be an instrument in His hands as I prepare myself to follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost on a daily basis.

We don’t have regular planned Family Home Evenings with our children.  Yet, those unplanned spontaneous thoughts that come to me throughout the day as a teaching moment, I am not afraid to open my mouth and share with my children.  Even when my girls tell me, “Mom, why do you have to turn everything into a churchy moment?”  I respond with, “because I am learning some of the lesson towards peace and happiness for myself and I can’t help but want to share them with those I love”.  Even when my son feels something as I share my testimony with him and I watch him fight it and block it because it’s so different and unfamiliar and he is afraid if he lets it in he’ll have to change, so he walks away. 

We don’t have family scripture study.  Yet, I cherish the precious moments when my son comes home from school and it’s just him and I sitting across the table enjoying lunch together.  Some days, he feels safe to open up and talk about his life, his struggles and his fears.  Many times I’m prompted to just sit and listen.  Other times, I feel prepared to share an experience or even a scripture that helped me through some of my rough days.  Oh how I cherish these moments alone with him.

We don’t have family prayers together.  Yet, I know Heavenly Father has heard my prayers pleading for Him to rescue my son.  I know God loves my son more than I do.  My son was His before he became ours.  I know Jesus Christ performed an individual and personal act of salvation for my son.  I know the Savior knows what pains, doubts and fears my son is harboring and covering up far more than I can know.  I don’t want to stand in His way performing His will by selfishly trying to rescue him my way.  I can’t.  We can’t.  Only He can!

My responsibility as his mother is to nurture, to love, to accept him, and to create a safe environment for him to come home to.

Separation Anxiety

I heard this quote the other day at my Bible study class.

“God isn't concerned with changing your circumstances; He is using them to change your character.”

This quote caused me to remember back a few years ago when I was first starting to wake up spiritually. I had a desire to get to know the true nature of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I started to pray with the intent of testing Heavenly Father to find out if He really did know me and if He would hear and answer my prayers.  I don’t recall any earth shattering answers to prayers nor did I have any burning in the bush experience.  Honestly though, I was expecting those types of answers.  I hadn't learned to live my life slow enough to hear, to listen for, or to recognize the subtle still small voice answers.  Yet, I must have held onto a sliver of hope because I continued to test Him with my prayers.

School had been in session after summer break for just about a month.  Tara was in 3^th grade and Maleah was in preschool a couple days a week.  When she wasn’t in preschool we arranged for play dates with her friends.  I remember this particular day picking Maleah up at her friend’s house right before it was time to pick up Tara from school.  I was determined that Maleah would help clean up the toys before leaving.  This of course took some coercing and long suffering which caused me to be late arriving at the school.

I refuse to use the carpool pick up lines at the school.  I don’t have enough patience and I don’t like inhaling the exhaust from the car ahead of me for 20 minutes.  The deal was that Tara would walk to the park that was adjacent to her school and I will pick her up there.  I am always there parked and waiting before the end of school bell rang.  However, this particular day of pain staking cleaning up toys, I was late by around 10 minutes.  I apologized for being late, Tara accepted and there was no mention of it again.

Not until it happened again two weeks later.  This time, Maleah was home sick and I had decided to take this opportunity to snuggle with my ill child.  I lay down beside her and we both fell asleep.  I did not intend on falling asleep, therefore, no alarm was set.  I was awaken by the phone ringing and it was the school calling wondering if I was coming to pick up my daughter. 

Once again, I apologized profusely for not being at the park for her.  I was proud of her for walking back to the school and asking someone to call me. 

Tara’s separation anxiety started out gradually and continued to worsen as the weeks followed.  First it started out with her asking me over and over before school, “are you going to be there to pick me up?”  Then it gradually increased to where she didn’t want to go to school at all.   I would have to basically push her out the car door in front of the school.  Most mornings were full of tears and the same questions over and over “Are you sure you will be there?”

When she was home after school and on the weekends, she wouldn’t let me out of her sight.  She gave up all the fun things she enjoyed doing like soccer, gymnastics, piano, and even going to her friend’s house because they took her away from me.

It would take me at least a couple hours every night to calm her down.  She would have a lot of anxiety at bed time.  I tried many different things trying to calm her nerves so that she could go to sleep on her own.  I would lay next to her until I thought she was sound asleep then sneak away only to hear her cry out for me before reaching my own bed. 

It was breaking my heart to watch her suffer.  And, I was getting exhausted of endless effort to try and “fix” her yet seeing no changes.  I was convinced that since I caused her anxiety issues that I needed to fix it.

I would send love notes in her lunch box so she would know I was thinking of her in the middle of the day.  I came to the school to have lunch with her at least a couple times a week.  I volunteered at the school so she would see me there.  And I was NEVER late to pick her up again. 

Tara’s separation anxiety had lasted nine month by the end of school.  All this time I continued to pray asking the Lord what I could do to help her overcome this great anxiety that was taking over her life and holding me hostage, only to hear silence.  I believed the Lord’s silence was telling me, you caused this problem you must fix it.  So I read books, searched the internet and asked friends trying to seek ideas and answers to how I could help her.

Near the end of the school year, Boyd and I were called to serve as Logistic Chairman for the youth Pioneer Trek that was going to take place the end of June.  We were in charge of all the food, water, ice and portable potties for the youth and leaders which totaled over 400 people.  We joked that we were in charge of everything that went in our bodies and everything that came out.  This calling was in addition to our already busy responsibilities at church.

I am certain you have heard the saying “The Lord doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”  That phrase often would give me hope that the Lord gave me a handful of work or a particular trial because He must think I am strong and can persevere and push through anything.  However, I don’t believe that phrase anymore.  In fact, I shutter when I heard someone say that.  My personal experience is that the Lord will give me more than I can handle because He wants me dependent on His strength NOT my own.

I was full of worry and stress wondering how I could leave Tara in such an unstable condition for 5 days while I serve on the Trek.  Tara was also adding to her anxiety, obviously, because I was leaving her.

We were two weeks before departure on this Trek and we needed to hold another committee meeting to finalize last minute details.  The meetings were usually at our home.  If the meeting went long, I would excuse myself so I could start the nearly two hour lengthy bedtime ritual while Boyd finished things up with our committee which was only 4 additional members. 

This particular busy planning meeting, Boyd was out of town and that meant that I would have to run the meeting with our committee by myself.  I wasn’t sure how I could do that when I knew the meeting would go past our normal bed time hours.  I informed the girls that since I couldn’t “tuck them in” at normal bedtime that they could lay on my bed and watch TV until the meeting was over.

The meeting ended at 10:30pm, yet the girls were still awake with the TV on when I entered my room.  I was really hoping they had fallen asleep so I could just carry them to their beds and skip the crying episodes because I was really tired and wanted to get some sleep. 

I walked Tara to her room, we said prayers together, I hugged and kissed her goodnight and I left her room.  As I walked back to my bedroom I kept expecting for the crying to start any second.  That was just too easy and certainly not like what had become “normal” routine for the past 9 months.  I settled in my bed waiting to hear her footsteps coming down the stairs asking if she could sleep next to me.

Except she never came and I didn’t hear another sound from her all night.   I slept in peace for the first time in a long while.

The next morning at breakfast I couldn’t help but mention to her how proud I was of her accomplishment of going to sleep by herself without tears.  “Tara, I knew you could go to sleep on your own.  I’m so proud of you.  How did you do it?”

She was silent as though really thinking about how the evening went and how she did it.  She finally answered.  “Mom, I think it was the TV, it calmed my mind down”. 

Oh my goodness!  Really?  Watching TV at bedtime had never been an option I tried with her.  Could we really have avoided those longs months of suffering by allowing her to watch TV right before bed to calm her mind?  Of course, I was now more than willing to include that in our bedtime routine.  However it only took a couple of nights of the TV calming her mind and then she didn’t need it anymore.  She was a changed young child who was able to go to bed and sleep on her own with no tears, no whining and no anxiety.

It has taken me a couple of years to become a little bit wiser and spiritually stronger to look back at that difficult struggle and see what the Lord was doing. 

Just before this trial, I was praying to get to know Heavenly Father.  And He was teaching me about Him with this trial.  I don’t believe I particularly caused Tara’s separation anxiety by being late those two times.  Sure, it certainly didn’t help matters.  But, I believed the Lord allowed this trial so I could humble myself and learn to trust Him.  Through the trial I remember praying over and over asking what I can do to help Tara. 

Heavenly Father isn’t in the business of showing me what I can do….He wanted to show me what He could do.

I do remember my prayer changing a bit the days before that last Trek meeting when I was so worried how I could run the meeting and be there to comfort Tara to sleep.  Actually I don’t remember it even being in prayer form.  It was more like, “I don’t know what else to do.  I tried everything I can to help her. I don’t know how I can take care of everything that needs to be done for the Trek and take care of my daughter too, I can’t do it anymore.  Please take care of her”. 

I believe that is what Heavenly Father was waiting for.  For me to surrender my will in trying to fix my daughter; therefore, allowing His Will to lovingly heal her.  He wanted to show me what He could do; not what I could do.

“My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.” 

“He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh”.  (2 Nephi 4:20-21)

Exposed

Did you all survive Halloween?

Last night as I was pushing my 7 year old around in a stroller because she was too weak to walk around door to door by herself, I questioned what the heck I was doing?  She stayed home from school yesterday because she had stomach pains, diarrhea and she was too lethargic to get out of bed.  Yet, I didn’t want her to miss out on the fun of trick or treating.  So I borrowed a stroller, helped her get dressed up in her costume and pushed her around most of the evening.  I know what you’re thinking, what a crazy mother!

Yes, that definitely crossed my mind last night.  Then my thoughts turned to blame.  Who created this crazy holiday anyways?  Why do we put on masks and/or dress up in costumes that hide our identity and then beg perfect strangers for something good.  And if it’s not something that we think is good, we trade it in, give it away or simply disregard it. 

Why did I get so caught up in the excitement and thrill that I would cover up my daughters weakness and sickness to make her look alive and seek goodness from others.  I don’t recall even asking her what she wanted to do.  “Do you want to stay home and rest so you can get better?”  or “Do you want to cover yourself up to pretend you’re not hurting underneath and go out seeking approval from others?”

Maybe I am so used to doing that with my own life that I am unintentionally teaching my children how to cover up the ugly and the painful.

However, some people choose the ugly to cover up the beautiful.  There were some terribly scary and ugly masks last night.  I don’t understand how they can survive under those masks.

Life behind a mask may feel right and may even be fun for a short time.  After a while, though, recycled air becomes stale and the effort it takes to continue trying to be someone you aren’t becomes a burden rather than a game.  Only in returning home, taking off the mask, and being you again will you find relief.

The process of removing the mask and coming out of hiding can be painful.  We try to come out and expose ourselves only to find that we feel vulnerable and weak so we want to run right back into hiding. 

What happens if when we run to hide behind our mask we find that it is broken and damaged? 

I found out this week that one of my many masks that I hid behind is pride. The pride of having a nice home, comfortable clothing and a new perfect vehicle makes me feel of great worth and importance.  Until that pride was damaged and broken during my accident did I really realize how much I hide behind those superficial suggestions of protection.

I can’t believe how hard it was for me to drive my broken and bruised van around this week.  The damage is noticeable and exposed for all to see.  I have always had a nice, wonderful and near perfect vehicle to drive around.  Now, I have something damaged and in a very real way I felt damaged myself because I was in fact behind the wheel and felt partly responsible for the damage. 

The first day, I didn't want to take it out of the garage for fear of being exposed.  My family’s busy scheduled didn't allow me to hide in the garage for very long.  So when I had to get out, I wore sun glasses and hoped that no one recognized me behind the wheel.  I tried so hard to park the vehicle in such a way as to not expose the front section where all the damage occurred.

I kept asking myself, why?  Why did I have to be in an accident?  Why are you asking me to drive around in something less than perfect?  Why do I have to suffer because of someone else’s mistake?

I have an application on my cell phone that I receive a scripture a day.  On Tuesday, I received this scripture in D & C 78: 18  “And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along.”

I put that timely scripture together with the still small voice that had been telling me to “let it go” and I found peace.  That, my dear friends, is how the Lord strips away at our pride and takes away our hiding places.

But, Heavenly Father isn't finished refining me.

I am beginning to understand that Heavenly Father asked me to create this blog so I could come out of hiding.  He is asking me to expose my feelings, my fears, my weaknesses, my sins and my inadequacies.  Even though it has been very difficult to share my inner self there was a certain amount of safety because I know my readers.  You are my family and friends that I know and love.  There was also a certain amount of hiding that can still take place because I have this computer screen as my mask.

Yesterday, I received a comment on the post about my accident from someone I do not know.  The comment was very nice and pleasant, yet the person behind it was unfamiliar and unknown to me.  My safety net of family and friends was now torn and split open leaving me feeling extremely vulnerable and I found myself spiraling down grasping once again for protection.

My first instinct was to run and hide.  I have to find someone who can teach me how to make my blog “PRIVATE” so only those I invite, only those I know and only those I trust can have access to my willing heart.

Then after I let the panic settle and fear die down I could listen and remember where my strength comes from and the purpose of the blog. 

I remembered the story of Peter spending three years with Jesus learning the gospel from Him.  Yet during that time, there is evidence to suggest that, even though Peter was walking with the Lord, his confidence rested in himself.  But, that illusion of control was shattered the day he recognized his own failure when he denied the Savior for the third time.  The only thing he knew to do was to go back to where he had been before he ever met Jesus.  He went fishing.

I can’t tell you how many times I have denied Jesus; it’s far more than three times.  Most of my life, I felt I was beyond redemption.  I have a strong tendency to go back to where I was before I met Jesus.  I want to go back to hiding. 

Peter initially gave in to temptation and went back to fishing because that’s what was familiar.  But Jesus came and found him as he hid in that boat on the sea.   He found him and he called him to a greater task on one condition:  Peter had to be exclusively devoted to Christ.  Fear could no longer drive him.  Love had to prevail.  “If you love me, feed my sheep.”