“God isn't concerned
with changing your circumstances; He is using them to change your character.”
This quote caused me to remember back a few years ago when I
was first starting to wake up spiritually. I had a desire to get to know the
true nature of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I started to pray with the intent of testing
Heavenly Father to find out if He really did know me and if He would hear and
answer my prayers. I don’t recall any
earth shattering answers to prayers nor did I have any burning in the bush
experience. Honestly though, I was
expecting those types of answers. I hadn't learned to live my life slow enough to hear, to listen for, or to recognize the
subtle still small voice answers. Yet, I
must have held onto a sliver of hope because I continued to test Him with my
prayers.
School had been in session after summer break for just about
a month. Tara was in 3th
grade and Maleah was in preschool a couple days a week. When she wasn’t in preschool we arranged for
play dates with her friends. I remember
this particular day picking Maleah up at her friend’s house right before it was
time to pick up Tara from school. I was
determined that Maleah would help clean up the toys before leaving. This of course took some coercing and long suffering
which caused me to be late arriving at the school.
I refuse to use the carpool pick up lines at the
school. I don’t have enough patience and
I don’t like inhaling the exhaust from the car ahead of me for 20 minutes. The
deal was that Tara would walk to the park that was adjacent to her school and I
will pick her up there. I am always
there parked and waiting before the end of school bell rang. However, this particular day of pain staking cleaning
up toys, I was late by around 10 minutes.
I apologized for being late, Tara accepted and there was no mention of
it again.
Not until it happened again two weeks later. This time, Maleah was home sick and I had
decided to take this opportunity to snuggle with my ill child. I lay down beside her and we both fell
asleep. I did not intend on falling
asleep, therefore, no alarm was set. I
was awaken by the phone ringing and it was the school calling wondering if I
was coming to pick up my daughter.
Once again, I apologized profusely for not being at the park
for her. I was proud of her for walking
back to the school and asking someone to call me.
Tara’s separation anxiety started out gradually and
continued to worsen as the weeks followed.
First it started out with her asking me over and over before school, “are
you going to be there to pick me up?”
Then it gradually increased to where she didn’t want to go to school at
all. I would have to basically push her out the car
door in front of the school. Most
mornings were full of tears and the same questions over and over “Are you sure
you will be there?”
When she was home after school and on the weekends, she
wouldn’t let me out of her sight. She gave
up all the fun things she enjoyed doing like soccer, gymnastics, piano, and
even going to her friend’s house because they took her away from me.
It would take me at least a couple hours every night to calm
her down. She would have a lot of
anxiety at bed time. I tried many
different things trying to calm her nerves so that she could go to sleep on her
own. I would lay next to her until I
thought she was sound asleep then sneak away only to hear her cry out for me
before reaching my own bed.
It was breaking my heart to watch her suffer. And, I was getting exhausted of endless
effort to try and “fix” her yet seeing no changes. I was convinced that since I caused her anxiety
issues that I needed to fix it.
I would send love notes in her lunch box so she would know I
was thinking of her in the middle of the day.
I came to the school to have lunch with her at least a couple times a
week. I volunteered at the school so she
would see me there. And I was NEVER late
to pick her up again.
Tara’s separation anxiety had lasted nine month by the end
of school. All this time I continued to pray
asking the Lord what I could do to help her overcome this great anxiety that
was taking over her life and holding me hostage, only to hear silence. I believed the Lord’s silence was telling me,
you caused this problem you must fix it.
So I read books, searched the internet and asked friends trying to seek ideas
and answers to how I could help her.
Near the end of the school year, Boyd and I were called to
serve as Logistic Chairman for the youth Pioneer Trek that was going to take
place the end of June. We were in charge
of all the food, water, ice and portable potties for the youth and leaders
which totaled over 400 people. We joked
that we were in charge of everything that went in our bodies and everything that
came out. This calling was in addition
to our already busy responsibilities at church.
I am certain you have heard the saying “The Lord doesn’t
give you more than you can handle.” That
phrase often would give me hope that the Lord gave me a handful of work or a
particular trial because He must think I am strong and can persevere and push
through anything. However, I don’t
believe that phrase anymore. In fact, I
shutter when I heard someone say that. My
personal experience is that the Lord will give me more than I can handle
because He wants me dependent on His strength NOT my own.
I was full of worry and stress wondering how I could leave
Tara in such an unstable condition for 5 days while I serve on the Trek. Tara was also adding to her anxiety, obviously,
because I was leaving her.
We were two weeks before departure on this Trek and we
needed to hold another committee meeting to finalize last minute details. The meetings were usually at our home. If the meeting went long, I would excuse
myself so I could start the nearly two hour lengthy bedtime ritual while Boyd
finished things up with our committee which was only 4 additional members.
This particular busy planning meeting, Boyd was out of town
and that meant that I would have to run the meeting with our committee by
myself. I wasn’t sure how I could do
that when I knew the meeting would go past our normal bed time hours. I informed the girls that since I couldn’t “tuck
them in” at normal bedtime that they could lay on my bed and watch TV until the
meeting was over.
The meeting ended at 10:30pm, yet the girls were still awake
with the TV on when I entered my room. I
was really hoping they had fallen asleep so I could just carry them to their
beds and skip the crying episodes because I was really tired and wanted to get
some sleep.
I walked Tara to her room, we said prayers together, I
hugged and kissed her goodnight and I left her room. As I walked back to my bedroom I kept
expecting for the crying to start any second.
That was just too easy and certainly not like what had become “normal”
routine for the past 9 months. I settled
in my bed waiting to hear her footsteps coming down the stairs asking if she
could sleep next to me.
Except she never came and I didn’t hear another sound from
her all night. I slept in peace for the
first time in a long while.
The next morning at breakfast I couldn’t help but mention to
her how proud I was of her accomplishment of going to sleep by herself without
tears. “Tara, I knew you could go to
sleep on your own. I’m so proud of
you. How did you do it?”
She was silent as though really thinking about how the
evening went and how she did it. She
finally answered. “Mom, I think it was
the TV, it calmed my mind down”.
Oh my goodness!
Really? Watching TV at bedtime
had never been an option I tried with her.
Could we really have avoided those longs months of suffering by allowing
her to watch TV right before bed to calm her mind? Of course, I was now more than willing to
include that in our bedtime routine. However
it only took a couple of nights of the TV calming her mind and then she didn’t need
it anymore. She was a changed young
child who was able to go to bed and sleep on her own with no tears, no whining
and no anxiety.
It has taken me a
couple of years to become a little bit wiser and spiritually stronger to look
back at that difficult struggle and see what the Lord was doing.
Just before this trial, I was praying to get to know
Heavenly Father. And He was teaching me about
Him with this trial. I don’t believe I particularly
caused Tara’s separation anxiety by being late those two times. Sure, it certainly didn’t help matters. But, I believed the Lord allowed this trial
so I could humble myself and learn to trust Him. Through the trial I remember praying over and
over asking what I can do to help Tara.
Heavenly Father isn’t in the business of showing me what I can do….He wanted to show me what He
could do.
I do remember my prayer changing a bit the days before that
last Trek meeting when I was so worried how I could run the meeting and be
there to comfort Tara to sleep. Actually
I don’t remember it even being in prayer form.
It was more like, “I don’t know what else to do. I tried everything I can to help her. I don’t
know how I can take care of everything that needs to be done for the Trek and
take care of my daughter too, I can’t do it anymore. Please take care of her”.
I believe that is what Heavenly Father was waiting for. For me to surrender my will in trying to fix my daughter; therefore, allowing His Will
to lovingly heal her. He wanted to show
me what He could do; not what I could do.
“My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine
afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the
great deep.”
“He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of
my flesh”. (2 Nephi 4:20-21)
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