Exposed

Did you all survive Halloween?

Last night as I was pushing my 7 year old around in a stroller because she was too weak to walk around door to door by herself, I questioned what the heck I was doing?  She stayed home from school yesterday because she had stomach pains, diarrhea and she was too lethargic to get out of bed.  Yet, I didn’t want her to miss out on the fun of trick or treating.  So I borrowed a stroller, helped her get dressed up in her costume and pushed her around most of the evening.  I know what you’re thinking, what a crazy mother!

Yes, that definitely crossed my mind last night.  Then my thoughts turned to blame.  Who created this crazy holiday anyways?  Why do we put on masks and/or dress up in costumes that hide our identity and then beg perfect strangers for something good.  And if it’s not something that we think is good, we trade it in, give it away or simply disregard it. 

Why did I get so caught up in the excitement and thrill that I would cover up my daughters weakness and sickness to make her look alive and seek goodness from others.  I don’t recall even asking her what she wanted to do.  “Do you want to stay home and rest so you can get better?”  or “Do you want to cover yourself up to pretend you’re not hurting underneath and go out seeking approval from others?”

Maybe I am so used to doing that with my own life that I am unintentionally teaching my children how to cover up the ugly and the painful.

However, some people choose the ugly to cover up the beautiful.  There were some terribly scary and ugly masks last night.  I don’t understand how they can survive under those masks.

Life behind a mask may feel right and may even be fun for a short time.  After a while, though, recycled air becomes stale and the effort it takes to continue trying to be someone you aren’t becomes a burden rather than a game.  Only in returning home, taking off the mask, and being you again will you find relief.

The process of removing the mask and coming out of hiding can be painful.  We try to come out and expose ourselves only to find that we feel vulnerable and weak so we want to run right back into hiding. 

What happens if when we run to hide behind our mask we find that it is broken and damaged? 

I found out this week that one of my many masks that I hid behind is pride. The pride of having a nice home, comfortable clothing and a new perfect vehicle makes me feel of great worth and importance.  Until that pride was damaged and broken during my accident did I really realize how much I hide behind those superficial suggestions of protection.

I can’t believe how hard it was for me to drive my broken and bruised van around this week.  The damage is noticeable and exposed for all to see.  I have always had a nice, wonderful and near perfect vehicle to drive around.  Now, I have something damaged and in a very real way I felt damaged myself because I was in fact behind the wheel and felt partly responsible for the damage. 

The first day, I didn't want to take it out of the garage for fear of being exposed.  My family’s busy scheduled didn't allow me to hide in the garage for very long.  So when I had to get out, I wore sun glasses and hoped that no one recognized me behind the wheel.  I tried so hard to park the vehicle in such a way as to not expose the front section where all the damage occurred.

I kept asking myself, why?  Why did I have to be in an accident?  Why are you asking me to drive around in something less than perfect?  Why do I have to suffer because of someone else’s mistake?

I have an application on my cell phone that I receive a scripture a day.  On Tuesday, I received this scripture in D & C 78: 18  “And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along.”

I put that timely scripture together with the still small voice that had been telling me to “let it go” and I found peace.  That, my dear friends, is how the Lord strips away at our pride and takes away our hiding places.

But, Heavenly Father isn't finished refining me.

I am beginning to understand that Heavenly Father asked me to create this blog so I could come out of hiding.  He is asking me to expose my feelings, my fears, my weaknesses, my sins and my inadequacies.  Even though it has been very difficult to share my inner self there was a certain amount of safety because I know my readers.  You are my family and friends that I know and love.  There was also a certain amount of hiding that can still take place because I have this computer screen as my mask.

Yesterday, I received a comment on the post about my accident from someone I do not know.  The comment was very nice and pleasant, yet the person behind it was unfamiliar and unknown to me.  My safety net of family and friends was now torn and split open leaving me feeling extremely vulnerable and I found myself spiraling down grasping once again for protection.

My first instinct was to run and hide.  I have to find someone who can teach me how to make my blog “PRIVATE” so only those I invite, only those I know and only those I trust can have access to my willing heart.

Then after I let the panic settle and fear die down I could listen and remember where my strength comes from and the purpose of the blog. 

I remembered the story of Peter spending three years with Jesus learning the gospel from Him.  Yet during that time, there is evidence to suggest that, even though Peter was walking with the Lord, his confidence rested in himself.  But, that illusion of control was shattered the day he recognized his own failure when he denied the Savior for the third time.  The only thing he knew to do was to go back to where he had been before he ever met Jesus.  He went fishing.

I can’t tell you how many times I have denied Jesus; it’s far more than three times.  Most of my life, I felt I was beyond redemption.  I have a strong tendency to go back to where I was before I met Jesus.  I want to go back to hiding. 

Peter initially gave in to temptation and went back to fishing because that’s what was familiar.  But Jesus came and found him as he hid in that boat on the sea.   He found him and he called him to a greater task on one condition:  Peter had to be exclusively devoted to Christ.  Fear could no longer drive him.  Love had to prevail.  “If you love me, feed my sheep.”