Butterfly

The butterfly hatched from his cocoon yesterday.  No, I didn't have anything to do with him breaking free even though I was impatiently waiting for his timing.  I honestly questioned though since he was taking so long that maybe there wasn't life inside the cocoon.

Well, I was wrong.  He is alive and he is beautiful.  Not sure why I call it a "he" but I do.

I looked inside the jar on Monday morning and saw the lonesome cocoon still hanging on.  Then after institute class I came home to find him flapping his wings inside this small jar on my counter.  I find it simply amazing how Heavenly Father through this cocoon was teaching me how our trials and adversities are necessary for our growth.

"Rather than simply passing through trials, we must allow trials to pass through us in ways that sanctify us."

--Elder Neil A Maxwell

Once, I finally understood the concept of adversity and wrote about it, then it was time for the butterfly to be free from the cocoon that kept him bound.  How amazing is His timing and how wonderful Heavenly Father teaches us.

I kept the butterfly in the little container until the girls came home from school so they could see him.  Then we took him outside to set him free.  However, he wasn't too anxious to be out on his own.  He clung to Tara for quite sometime.  He would fly a short distance and land.  Only to be picked up again by someone who wanted to hold him.  After some time the girls decided to leave him alone and they ventured off to another task.

Periodically throughout the evening I would step outside to check to see if he found enough strength and courage to fly higher and farther out from the comfort of our back yard.  He was still in the same place where he last landed.

Last night after dark my motherly instinct kicked in and I was worried about the freezing weather that was expected to hit and wondered if he could survive.  Really?  Like butterflies don't live outside in all kinds of temperatures.  Yet, I felt deep ownership and responsibility to ensure he had the best possible chance at life.

So I decided if he was still in the same spot by the time I went to bed I would bring him in out of the cold and set him free again tomorrow when it warms up during the day.  And sure enough, he was still perched on the same bush in the corner of our yard.

I created a bigger and better home for him out of the largest glass vase I own.  Dallin helped me look up what to feed him. I made some sugar water and placed it in a small dish.  Then, I went outside to retrieve him.  He quickly grasped onto my finger without reservation.  I carefully placed him in his new environment.  He immediately stuck out his really, really long tongue and started drinking the sugar water.  There he sat drinking for what seemed like an hour.  I wondered if I put too much sugar in and so his tongue was stuck.  But, he eventually had enough to eat and moved on to rest on the leaf.

And so did I.  I headed to bed and dreamed about starting a butterfly sanctuary in my back yard.

Today, I waited until mid day with plenty of sunshine to take him back outside.  He wasn't in any hurry to leave my hand.  So I flapped my arm up and down so he could feel the wind beneath his wings giving him encouragement to set off on a new adventure.

And he eventually spread his wings and took flight!

The Cocoons of Adversity

Over a month ago my sister in law, Mashell, saw two caterpillars sitting on a branch of a small tree near her home.  They were munching away at some fresh leaves.  In hopes of catching the metamorphosis process of the caterpillars, she broke off that section of the branch and placed it inside a glass jar.  She lovingly placed water and more leaves inside the jar then poked holes in the lid for them to breathe.

Within a week, sure enough one of the caterpillars started turning this brown ugly looking color and Mashell was certain it was probably dying.  Shortly after the discoloration of the one she noticed the second one had made a beautiful pale green cocoon around itself. 

After a week she wonderfully witnessed the brown ugly cocoon starting to break open.  The struggle to break free was apparent and to her surprise a big beautiful butterfly appeared.  Her and her daughter watched it for a short time inside the small jar and then decided to set it free.  She placed it on a branch outside their home where it stood for quite some time before it took flight.

Because Mashell has such a sweet heart, she gave us the jar with the second cocoon in hopes that we could also witness the wonderful transformation that they had.

That was two weeks ago and the jar still sits by my kitchen sink with the green cocoon still clinging to the wilted and dead branch within. 

I peak at it daily wondering if it will ever break free.  I have considered opening the jar and cracking the cocoon oh so slightly hoping to give that struggling butterfly a head start to its new life.  I am just that impatient that I would do such a thing.

Then I remembered a story I was once told of someone who watched a moth go through the struggle to free itself.  In an effort to help she snipped the shell of the cocoon.  Soon the moth came out with its wings all crimped and shriveled.  But as the person watched, the wings remained weak.  The moth, which in a few moments would have stretched those wings to fly, was now doomed to crawling out its brief life in frustration of ever being the beautiful creature Heavenly Father created it to be.

What the person in the story did not realize was that the struggle to emerge from the cocoon was an essential part of developing the muscle system of the moth’s body and pushing the body fluids out into the wings to expand them.  By unwisely seeking to cut short the moth’s struggle, the watcher had actually crippled the moth and doomed its existence.

The adversities of life are much like the cocoons of the moth and butterflies.  Heavenly Father uses them to develop the spiritual “muscle system” of our lives. 

There is a quote that goes something like this:  “The testing of your faith through trials of many kinds develops perseverance and perseverance leads to maturity of our character.”

We may think we have true Christian love until someone offends us or treats us unjustly.  Then we begin to feel anger and resentment build up within us.  We may conclude we have learned about genuine joy until our lives are shattered by an unexpected event or disappointment.  Adversities spoil our peace and try our patience.  Heavenly Father uses those difficulties to reveal to us our need to grow, so that we will reach out to Him to change us more and more into the likeness of His Son.

However, we have a tendency to shrink from adversity.  To use the terms from the moth story, we want Heavenly Father to snip the cocoon of adversity we often find ourselves in and release us.  But just as Heavenly Father has more wisdom and love for the moth than it’s viewer did, so He has more wisdom and love for us than we do for ourselves.  He will not remove the adversity until we have profited from it and developed in whatever way He intended in bringing or allowing it into our lives.

Our life is intended to be one of continuous growth.  We all want to grow, but we often resist the process.  This is because we tend to focus on the events of adversity themselves, rather than looking with faith beyond the events to what Heavenly Father is doing in our lives.

Heavenly Father cannot fail in His purpose for adversity in our lives.  He will accomplish that which He intends.  Those truths bring great encouragement to me.  Most times I do fail to respond positively to difficulties.  Yet, I know my failure does not mean Heavenly Father has failed.  By admitting my failure, He is helping me grow in humility.  That may have been His intentions all along.

Where does your faith lie?

I have been struggling.  Struggling because I took a beautiful plan of Heavenly Father’s and made it my own.

I am grateful for the inspiration that Heavenly Father gave me a couple weeks ago in the temple, that this trial of Dad suffering with cancer is a test of our faith. 

I have had to ask myself these questions?  Is my faith strong enough to know with certainty that Jesus Christ CAN remove the cancer and stop the suffering?  I have read and know of the many miracles of such recoveries during Christ’s ministry on earth.  I believe there is enough proof written in scriptures that He CAN heal ALL wounds.  Do I believe Christ removed Dad’s cancer before or was it the doctors?  Was the Lord providing proof in His power more personal to me than in scripture stories?  Yet, I thought faith doesn't need proof?  Was He strengthening my faith through the previous episodes for this greater trial?  Is my faith strong enough to trust in God’s plan that Dad may not survive this time?

Heavenly Father asked me to enlist the faith of my entire family as our father suffers through cancer. I believed that meant that since Heavenly Father gave me that inspiration that He was expecting me to help each of my family members to have greater faith.  I admit that has caused me to suffer. 

I questioned my ability.  I questioned why me?  I questioned how and where to begin?  I feared I wouldn't be able to teach about faith when it’s obvious I have failed teaching my own children.

Therefore, because of fear, I have hid myself. 

After much praying and fasting asking Heavenly Father what He wants me to do, today it became clear that my faith has been in the wrong person.  Listen to my questions?  They are all about ME!  My faith was centered selfishly on what I should, could, would do to bring our family together and help our father. 

I took Heavenly Father’s beautiful plan that through this trial of our faith we would each have an opportunity to turn to Him and trust in Him for peace and comfort and instead I made it personal about me.

I CAN’T strengthen your faith.  I CAN’T force anyone to trust in the Lord during difficult times.  I can’t!  Yet, I know WHO can and I still forget.

The funny and embarrassing thing is I know you weren't asking me to and I now know that Heavenly Father wasn't asking me to either.  

I think the Lord gives us our agency to rely on someone else’s faith or even our own strengths for a period of time during our lives, yet there comes a time when we need to establish our own personal and individual faith in Jesus Christ.  And Heavenly Father gives us trials to test where our faith lies?  Our time is now!  Who do you have faith in?

Assume the Good and Doubt the Bad

I felt I needed to post a quick note letting you know all is well in Texas.  I haven’t written for 10 days and it’s not because I haven’t wanted to.  I have just been enjoying the Holiday season with my family.  Bryce was home all last week from college.  It was so wonderful to have him home for the week of Thanksgiving.

Bryce and I attended the temple on Wednesday morning.  We hadn’t been in the temple together since his first time going through before his mission.  What a great experience.  The temple president was looking for a couple to be the witness couple for the small session we attended.  He asked if Bryce was my husband.  I politely responded, “He’s my son”.  President Packard was a little embarrassed and surprised.  I obviously still look younger than my age or Bryce looks older than his age.  We did leave the house early and Bryce didn’t have time to shave so he did have some reminisce of a beard.

This week I have been asked to serve on the Allen Stake Nativity Exhibit again.  Our Stake holds it every year and it is a wonderful event.  We set up the gymnasium with about 175 nativities from all around the world donated by ward members.  Then decorate the surrounding areas with trees, greenery and fabric to set the scene of Bethlehem.   It is breathtaking when it’s all completed.  The Spirit of the real meaning of Christmas is present and is felt.  There is a lot of time and effort put into the decorating, yet it’s all worth it in the end when we have usually around 500 non-members attend over the weekend.  It is a wonderful way to prove to the community that Mormons are Christians.

I am off to go work at the Stake Center all day.  Yet, I will leave you with a couple of quotes from General Conference to think about this week.

“Most people carrying heavy loads begin to doubt themselves
and their own worth.  We lighten their loads as we are
patient with their weaknesses and celebrate
whatever goodness we can see in them. 
The Lord does that!” 
~Henry B. Erying

"Think the best of each other, especially of 
those you say you love.
Assume the good and doubt the bad." 

~Jeffrey R. Holland

Faith Precedes the Miracle

My dear loving family how strong is your faith?

Tuesday I went to the Temple to do some of our family sealings of children to their parents and to also put dad’s name on the prayer rolls of the Temple.  I spent a great deal of time in the Celestial room just being still.  It wasn't until I was leaving the temple grounds did I receive the strong impression of why our father is suffering.

It is wonderful that we can go to the Temple and place a name on the altar asking for the faith and prayers of perfect strangers on behalf of those individuals that we place on a small white piece of paper.  However, it became very clear to me that wasn't enough.  I needed to enlist the FAITH and prayers of ALL of our family (ourselves, our spouses and each of our children) on behalf of our father/grandfather.  It became very clear at that moment why dad is suffering with cancer so soon after his last episode. 

Dad is sacrificing to help save us all.

Do you believe the Lord can heal our father or are we going to rely on mortal doctors and technology to dictate the length of time he has left on earth.  I testify to you all, that I know with perfect certainty that God can heal our father; whether He will, depends on our unified FAITH and God's sovereign plan.

So I am asking each of you again; How strong is your faith in the healing and saving power of Jesus Christ?  I’m not just asking, I’m pleading with you to ask yourself today, “Do I have a personal witness of the strength and power of Jesus Christ’s atonement to heal spiritual, emotional and physical wounds incurred during our mortal life on earth”.  

If you have only read or heard about such healings and haven’t experienced His healing power personally than how can your faith be strong enough to help heal our father/grandfather?

I spent most of my life going through the motions of what I thought was belief and faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  However, attending church and doing the best I could to keep the commandments didn’t get me very far.  It kept my hope alive for all those years.  Yet, it wasn’t until a great struggle in my life did I realize that hope wasn’t enough to save me from the despair of life experiences.  It takes FAITH!  And to develop faith in Jesus Christ’s atonement, you need to have a personal relationship with Him. 

Let HIM in your life!

I know I was afraid and scared to let Him in my life for fear of what He would find and what He would ask me to do.  I knew if I wanted a relationship with Him that it probably meant I would have to change.  Yet, I knew something had to change.  I hoped it was the individuals around me that needed to change.  But, No!  It was me! 

It has taken me three years to get to my faith set on Jesus Christ.  Our father has been given up to three years to live on this earth. 

What are you waiting for?

Hope for the Sleepless

This blog post was written for my father, Ron Dean, who is suffering with Cancer for the third time.  After suffering with Sciatic nerve pain for several weeks the doctors discovered a tumor in his spine that is a contusion on his nerve.  He is in tremendous pain.  He struggles to walk during the day.  He struggles to sleep at night.

I feel helpless!  Yet, not hopeless.

Hope is not a longing or yearning for God to help; it is not waiting for the slim chance that things may get better.  Genuine hope is the confidence that God is in your life and on your side, now and forever, and that nothing can separate you from his love.

True hope is resting in the unending love of your creator, expecting him to act on your behalf.

Joined with faith and love, hope is an essential and fundamental element of our lives.  Faith and hope are so closely linked that they cannot be separated and we find it difficult to discern the difference.  Still, there is a difference between them.  Faith is belief in the promises of God.  Hope is a soldier; it fights for us as we wait for the goodness of God to accomplish His will in and for us.

Hope is the confident expectation, the sure certainty that what God has promised, he will deliver.

“Lead me in thy truth, and teach me:  for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.” (Psalm 25:5)

When I think about my father’s pain that deepens at night time not allowing him any comfort to rest I turned to the scriptures trying to recall where we learn when someone struggled with pain that kept him up at night to try to find how they dealt with it.

I found the story of King David in 2 Samuel 15.  I imagine King David had many sleepless nights in the wilderness when he fled the city because we was being chased by his own son, Absalom.   His son had been conspiring against his father, the king.  He wanted to overthrow his father and take the crown and the throne for himself.  Can you imagine how King David felt as he was forced to run, to flee for his life?  He grieved for what had become of his family and his life.

I recognize that my father’s pain is physical pain and David’s pain was emotional pain.  Yet, they are both pain that keep us up at night.

In that wilderness, David had time to sit and contemplate; he had sleepless nights to cry out to Heavenly Father.  It is in that wilderness that the Lord gave David several Psalms, including Psalms 3, to quiet and comfort his spirit so he could get some sleep. 

“Lord, how are they increased that trouble me!  Many are they that rise up against me.  Many there be which say of my soul, there is no help for him in God.” (Psalms 3: 1-2)

David pours out his heart; he tells it like it is.  If he’s mad at God he tells him.  If he’s despair, he expresses that.  The Lord wants us to be authentic and real. 

Yet, this is where David’s hope and faith shine.

“But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.  I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the Lord sustained me.”

“I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about.  Arise, O Lord; save me!”

“Salvation belongeth unto the Lord:  thy blessing is upon thy people.”

I love this Psalm.  It tells us that it is possible in the depths of life’s darkest experience to still have hope in God. 

When you are in trouble it is good to go to Heavenly Father and ask for his help.  But let me share something that I have learned.  When you ask God for help he always gives it, but it is in His timing, it is on His terms and it may not be the help you are expecting.  Heavenly Father always gives us precisely what we need but not always what we ask for.  Sometimes it takes a while to discern what God is doing.  Help doesn’t always come tonight. 

So here is the question – how do I sleep tonight?  Do I grit my teeth and say, “Lord, I trust you for your help.”  Then do I just say to myself – “Sleep…..sleep!”  I have tried that and that doesn’t work. 

That is not what David did.  Let look at the verses again:

“But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up on mine head.  I cried unto the Lord with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill.” (Psalm 3: 3-4)

He doesn’t ask God for help at all.  David is in more trouble than he has ever been in his life, but in his sleepless, restless, and anxious night he doesn’t pray and ask God for help.  He turns his focus away from his problems and turns his attention to the Lord.

He focuses on who the Lord is:  “You are a shield around me.”

He focuses on what the Lord does:  “You lift my head.”

He focuses on how the Lord is there for him:  “I cry out and you answer me.”

David begins to meditate on who the Lord is, what the Lord does, and how the Lord has always been there for him.  And what is the result?

“I laid me down and slept”  

And then:

“I awaken; for the Lord sustained me.” (vs. 5)

Wow!  He sleeps like a baby and he wakes up refreshed.  Are his problems solved?  No!  His circumstances haven’t changed.  How does David feel in the morning?

“I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people that have set themselves against me”. (vs. 6)

His fear and anxiety are gone even though his circumstances have not changed.  We tend to think that if only things would change, then we wouldn’t feel so bad.  But think about it, his circumstances haven’t changed at all.  Nothing has changed – but David has changed.  His outlook and emotions have changed.

It’s a new day and how does David face it?

“Arise, O Lord; save me!”

More Than You Can Handle

Last Saturday Boyd and I attended the funeral of a little boy who had been fighting cancer for over a year.  He was just about to turn two years old in December.  More than half of his life was spent going through radiation, blood transfusions, surgeries and multiple hospital stays.  The young father gave a beautiful yet very difficult eulogy of his son’s short life.

I remember during his emotional talk a comment that he made and I can’t seem to get it off my mind.  I’m not sure why, but I have heard it said more in the past month than I have my whole life.  I have even said it a time or two myself when I’m going through a difficult struggle.

This apparently popular saying is; “The Lord never gives you more than you can handle.”

Sounds good, doesn’t it?  It seems to give us hope and strength to face one more day.  People say it and believe that no matter what we face, God is never going to allow you to deal with more than you can handle.  It may be what we want to hear, but it’s not what we need to hear.

After hearing that saying from this young father at his baby’s funeral, I couldn’t help but think; really?  What could be harder than watching your son fight cancer for a year and then having to bury him before he even turns two years old?

I decided to search the scriptures this week trying to find out where this saying originated from and why we have adopted it to get us through very difficult times in our lives. 

I think I found where it came from, yet I believe the truth has been twisted and misunderstood.

1 Corinthians 10:13 reads:

“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man:  but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”

There were many LDS talks quoting this scripture referring to “temptations”, not the troubles of life.  We can look at nearly every situation in the scriptures where the Lord shows up in miraculous ways and find that he ALWAYS gave people MORE than they could handle.  That’s when the Lord shows His power in people’s lives.

Moses was given more than he could handle.  He didn’t part the Red Sea on his own.  Daniel should have been devoured in the lion’s den.  Who could possibly handle walking into a fiery furnace by themselves?  Nephi could not have retrieved the plates with his own strength.  Alma was bound by chains within prison walls with no way out.  Even Jesus needed help carrying His cross.

I remember studying the life of Paul last year in my Bible class and being in awe of his faith when he found himself crushed beyond his ability to endure.  Here is what we learn from Paul in 2 Corinthians 1:8,

“For we would not, brethren, have you ignorant of our trouble which came to us in Asia, that we were pressed out of measure, above strength, insomuch that we despaired even of life”. (Paul thought they would never live through it; He expected to die)

Why would a loving Heavenly Father allow people to go through such anguish? I asked those questions because I didn’t understand His ways.  I understand it now that it is out of His great love that He allowed them to face the impossible.  Why?  We have to continue to read into the next verse to find the answer.

“But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead” (As a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead)

There is purpose through our pain.  Heavenly Father always gives us more than we can handle in order to reveal what He is able to do through our faith in Him.  He wants to show us that prayer works.  He wants to bring about miracles that go far beyond our imagination.  He wants to display His power, presence, and glory.  Without situations in life that we CAN’T handle, we would never need God to show up.  We would never have the opportunity to see our own Red Seas parted.  Who wants to miss out on that?

If Heavenly Father is only giving us what we can handle, we are not learning to depend on Him.  We are not stepping out in faith and our faith won’t grow. 

If you are facing situations that are far beyond your control, Heavenly Father may be trusting you more than you trust Him.  He obviously knows that He has given you a measure of faith that is much more than you think. 

If we will put away our fears and doubts and move forward in greater faith, knowing that every obstacle is an opportunity for faith to rise above, we will find ourselves experiencing the peace that Heavenly Father promises to give us as we trust in Him.

The Lord wants to bring us to a place where we realize we can’t do it without Him.  He wants us to fully realize that we need Him for everything we face in life. 

I felt I needed to put this in writing so I could REMEMBER.

Rescue

This morning my thoughts are turned towards my hurting son.  I’m afraid to label him as my "lost son" even though I fear he is.  He is one of the Lord’s lambs that have strayed from the fold.  He is grazing in what he feels is greener pastures just outside the comfortable embrace of the Shepherd. Yet, he isn't so far lost that I can’t notice him gazing back toward the fold once in a while wondering what he may be missing.

He informed us the other day that he doesn’t want to go on a mission.  He doesn’t want to attend BYU anymore. He isn’t even sure he can be a Mormon.  He told us he could do those things before and he went through the motions because he knows that is what we wanted to hear.  He feels he doesn’t have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and therefore, places himself out of reach from the Savior’s hand. 

I know NO ONE is out of reach from the Savior’s hand.

The bishop met once again with my son the other day.  He cares greatly for my son and is trying so diligently to rescue him.  Shortly after that visit, the bishop informed my husband that is was time he met with us, his parents.

My thoughts turn to what I expect the Bishop is going to tell us.  We need to step up us as parents.  You need to be holding regular Family Home Evening, family scripture reading and praying together as a family.  Those are what my husband is already telling me WE NEED to be better at in order to rescue our son.

My husband asks me what did we do wrong in raising him?   What could we have done differently? 

I have spent many hours asking myself those same questions.  I should have been a better mom.  Why didn’t I do this and why didn’t I do that?  If we did all the things the prophet told us to do as a family it would have made a difference.

The spirit has told me to stop focusing on the past and look forward to the future.

If I continue to think about all the things I should have done differently than I will be motivated by guilt going into the future. 

Motivation by guilt can improve our actions but from my experience it is usually short lived actions.  We strive to read scriptures as a family so we start only to stop a couple weeks later.  I get motivated after hearing a great talk in church about a fun Family Home Evening and so I put something similar together for my children only to find it didn’t go as well as I wanted it to run so I give up.  I invite my son to join us for prayers as I tuck the girls into bed.  Yet there is always an excuse so we go on without him.

I want to be motivated by the Spirit of the Holy Ghost not guilt.  The motivation and experience with personal revelation can move me to action far greater than guilt ever could.  And it brings the greatest peace and hope for the future.

I cannot save my son.  There is only One, Jesus Christ, who has the power and influence to save him.  Yet, I can and will be an instrument in His hands as I prepare myself to follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost on a daily basis.

We don’t have regular planned Family Home Evenings with our children.  Yet, those unplanned spontaneous thoughts that come to me throughout the day as a teaching moment, I am not afraid to open my mouth and share with my children.  Even when my girls tell me, “Mom, why do you have to turn everything into a churchy moment?”  I respond with, “because I am learning some of the lesson towards peace and happiness for myself and I can’t help but want to share them with those I love”.  Even when my son feels something as I share my testimony with him and I watch him fight it and block it because it’s so different and unfamiliar and he is afraid if he lets it in he’ll have to change, so he walks away. 

We don’t have family scripture study.  Yet, I cherish the precious moments when my son comes home from school and it’s just him and I sitting across the table enjoying lunch together.  Some days, he feels safe to open up and talk about his life, his struggles and his fears.  Many times I’m prompted to just sit and listen.  Other times, I feel prepared to share an experience or even a scripture that helped me through some of my rough days.  Oh how I cherish these moments alone with him.

We don’t have family prayers together.  Yet, I know Heavenly Father has heard my prayers pleading for Him to rescue my son.  I know God loves my son more than I do.  My son was His before he became ours.  I know Jesus Christ performed an individual and personal act of salvation for my son.  I know the Savior knows what pains, doubts and fears my son is harboring and covering up far more than I can know.  I don’t want to stand in His way performing His will by selfishly trying to rescue him my way.  I can’t.  We can’t.  Only He can!

My responsibility as his mother is to nurture, to love, to accept him, and to create a safe environment for him to come home to.

Separation Anxiety

I heard this quote the other day at my Bible study class.

“God isn't concerned with changing your circumstances; He is using them to change your character.”

This quote caused me to remember back a few years ago when I was first starting to wake up spiritually. I had a desire to get to know the true nature of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I started to pray with the intent of testing Heavenly Father to find out if He really did know me and if He would hear and answer my prayers.  I don’t recall any earth shattering answers to prayers nor did I have any burning in the bush experience.  Honestly though, I was expecting those types of answers.  I hadn't learned to live my life slow enough to hear, to listen for, or to recognize the subtle still small voice answers.  Yet, I must have held onto a sliver of hope because I continued to test Him with my prayers.

School had been in session after summer break for just about a month.  Tara was in 3^th grade and Maleah was in preschool a couple days a week.  When she wasn’t in preschool we arranged for play dates with her friends.  I remember this particular day picking Maleah up at her friend’s house right before it was time to pick up Tara from school.  I was determined that Maleah would help clean up the toys before leaving.  This of course took some coercing and long suffering which caused me to be late arriving at the school.

I refuse to use the carpool pick up lines at the school.  I don’t have enough patience and I don’t like inhaling the exhaust from the car ahead of me for 20 minutes.  The deal was that Tara would walk to the park that was adjacent to her school and I will pick her up there.  I am always there parked and waiting before the end of school bell rang.  However, this particular day of pain staking cleaning up toys, I was late by around 10 minutes.  I apologized for being late, Tara accepted and there was no mention of it again.

Not until it happened again two weeks later.  This time, Maleah was home sick and I had decided to take this opportunity to snuggle with my ill child.  I lay down beside her and we both fell asleep.  I did not intend on falling asleep, therefore, no alarm was set.  I was awaken by the phone ringing and it was the school calling wondering if I was coming to pick up my daughter. 

Once again, I apologized profusely for not being at the park for her.  I was proud of her for walking back to the school and asking someone to call me. 

Tara’s separation anxiety started out gradually and continued to worsen as the weeks followed.  First it started out with her asking me over and over before school, “are you going to be there to pick me up?”  Then it gradually increased to where she didn’t want to go to school at all.   I would have to basically push her out the car door in front of the school.  Most mornings were full of tears and the same questions over and over “Are you sure you will be there?”

When she was home after school and on the weekends, she wouldn’t let me out of her sight.  She gave up all the fun things she enjoyed doing like soccer, gymnastics, piano, and even going to her friend’s house because they took her away from me.

It would take me at least a couple hours every night to calm her down.  She would have a lot of anxiety at bed time.  I tried many different things trying to calm her nerves so that she could go to sleep on her own.  I would lay next to her until I thought she was sound asleep then sneak away only to hear her cry out for me before reaching my own bed. 

It was breaking my heart to watch her suffer.  And, I was getting exhausted of endless effort to try and “fix” her yet seeing no changes.  I was convinced that since I caused her anxiety issues that I needed to fix it.

I would send love notes in her lunch box so she would know I was thinking of her in the middle of the day.  I came to the school to have lunch with her at least a couple times a week.  I volunteered at the school so she would see me there.  And I was NEVER late to pick her up again. 

Tara’s separation anxiety had lasted nine month by the end of school.  All this time I continued to pray asking the Lord what I could do to help her overcome this great anxiety that was taking over her life and holding me hostage, only to hear silence.  I believed the Lord’s silence was telling me, you caused this problem you must fix it.  So I read books, searched the internet and asked friends trying to seek ideas and answers to how I could help her.

Near the end of the school year, Boyd and I were called to serve as Logistic Chairman for the youth Pioneer Trek that was going to take place the end of June.  We were in charge of all the food, water, ice and portable potties for the youth and leaders which totaled over 400 people.  We joked that we were in charge of everything that went in our bodies and everything that came out.  This calling was in addition to our already busy responsibilities at church.

I am certain you have heard the saying “The Lord doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”  That phrase often would give me hope that the Lord gave me a handful of work or a particular trial because He must think I am strong and can persevere and push through anything.  However, I don’t believe that phrase anymore.  In fact, I shutter when I heard someone say that.  My personal experience is that the Lord will give me more than I can handle because He wants me dependent on His strength NOT my own.

I was full of worry and stress wondering how I could leave Tara in such an unstable condition for 5 days while I serve on the Trek.  Tara was also adding to her anxiety, obviously, because I was leaving her.

We were two weeks before departure on this Trek and we needed to hold another committee meeting to finalize last minute details.  The meetings were usually at our home.  If the meeting went long, I would excuse myself so I could start the nearly two hour lengthy bedtime ritual while Boyd finished things up with our committee which was only 4 additional members. 

This particular busy planning meeting, Boyd was out of town and that meant that I would have to run the meeting with our committee by myself.  I wasn’t sure how I could do that when I knew the meeting would go past our normal bed time hours.  I informed the girls that since I couldn’t “tuck them in” at normal bedtime that they could lay on my bed and watch TV until the meeting was over.

The meeting ended at 10:30pm, yet the girls were still awake with the TV on when I entered my room.  I was really hoping they had fallen asleep so I could just carry them to their beds and skip the crying episodes because I was really tired and wanted to get some sleep. 

I walked Tara to her room, we said prayers together, I hugged and kissed her goodnight and I left her room.  As I walked back to my bedroom I kept expecting for the crying to start any second.  That was just too easy and certainly not like what had become “normal” routine for the past 9 months.  I settled in my bed waiting to hear her footsteps coming down the stairs asking if she could sleep next to me.

Except she never came and I didn’t hear another sound from her all night.   I slept in peace for the first time in a long while.

The next morning at breakfast I couldn’t help but mention to her how proud I was of her accomplishment of going to sleep by herself without tears.  “Tara, I knew you could go to sleep on your own.  I’m so proud of you.  How did you do it?”

She was silent as though really thinking about how the evening went and how she did it.  She finally answered.  “Mom, I think it was the TV, it calmed my mind down”. 

Oh my goodness!  Really?  Watching TV at bedtime had never been an option I tried with her.  Could we really have avoided those longs months of suffering by allowing her to watch TV right before bed to calm her mind?  Of course, I was now more than willing to include that in our bedtime routine.  However it only took a couple of nights of the TV calming her mind and then she didn’t need it anymore.  She was a changed young child who was able to go to bed and sleep on her own with no tears, no whining and no anxiety.

It has taken me a couple of years to become a little bit wiser and spiritually stronger to look back at that difficult struggle and see what the Lord was doing. 

Just before this trial, I was praying to get to know Heavenly Father.  And He was teaching me about Him with this trial.  I don’t believe I particularly caused Tara’s separation anxiety by being late those two times.  Sure, it certainly didn’t help matters.  But, I believed the Lord allowed this trial so I could humble myself and learn to trust Him.  Through the trial I remember praying over and over asking what I can do to help Tara. 

Heavenly Father isn’t in the business of showing me what I can do….He wanted to show me what He could do.

I do remember my prayer changing a bit the days before that last Trek meeting when I was so worried how I could run the meeting and be there to comfort Tara to sleep.  Actually I don’t remember it even being in prayer form.  It was more like, “I don’t know what else to do.  I tried everything I can to help her. I don’t know how I can take care of everything that needs to be done for the Trek and take care of my daughter too, I can’t do it anymore.  Please take care of her”. 

I believe that is what Heavenly Father was waiting for.  For me to surrender my will in trying to fix my daughter; therefore, allowing His Will to lovingly heal her.  He wanted to show me what He could do; not what I could do.

“My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.” 

“He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh”.  (2 Nephi 4:20-21)

Exposed

Did you all survive Halloween?

Last night as I was pushing my 7 year old around in a stroller because she was too weak to walk around door to door by herself, I questioned what the heck I was doing?  She stayed home from school yesterday because she had stomach pains, diarrhea and she was too lethargic to get out of bed.  Yet, I didn’t want her to miss out on the fun of trick or treating.  So I borrowed a stroller, helped her get dressed up in her costume and pushed her around most of the evening.  I know what you’re thinking, what a crazy mother!

Yes, that definitely crossed my mind last night.  Then my thoughts turned to blame.  Who created this crazy holiday anyways?  Why do we put on masks and/or dress up in costumes that hide our identity and then beg perfect strangers for something good.  And if it’s not something that we think is good, we trade it in, give it away or simply disregard it. 

Why did I get so caught up in the excitement and thrill that I would cover up my daughters weakness and sickness to make her look alive and seek goodness from others.  I don’t recall even asking her what she wanted to do.  “Do you want to stay home and rest so you can get better?”  or “Do you want to cover yourself up to pretend you’re not hurting underneath and go out seeking approval from others?”

Maybe I am so used to doing that with my own life that I am unintentionally teaching my children how to cover up the ugly and the painful.

However, some people choose the ugly to cover up the beautiful.  There were some terribly scary and ugly masks last night.  I don’t understand how they can survive under those masks.

Life behind a mask may feel right and may even be fun for a short time.  After a while, though, recycled air becomes stale and the effort it takes to continue trying to be someone you aren’t becomes a burden rather than a game.  Only in returning home, taking off the mask, and being you again will you find relief.

The process of removing the mask and coming out of hiding can be painful.  We try to come out and expose ourselves only to find that we feel vulnerable and weak so we want to run right back into hiding. 

What happens if when we run to hide behind our mask we find that it is broken and damaged? 

I found out this week that one of my many masks that I hid behind is pride. The pride of having a nice home, comfortable clothing and a new perfect vehicle makes me feel of great worth and importance.  Until that pride was damaged and broken during my accident did I really realize how much I hide behind those superficial suggestions of protection.

I can’t believe how hard it was for me to drive my broken and bruised van around this week.  The damage is noticeable and exposed for all to see.  I have always had a nice, wonderful and near perfect vehicle to drive around.  Now, I have something damaged and in a very real way I felt damaged myself because I was in fact behind the wheel and felt partly responsible for the damage. 

The first day, I didn't want to take it out of the garage for fear of being exposed.  My family’s busy scheduled didn't allow me to hide in the garage for very long.  So when I had to get out, I wore sun glasses and hoped that no one recognized me behind the wheel.  I tried so hard to park the vehicle in such a way as to not expose the front section where all the damage occurred.

I kept asking myself, why?  Why did I have to be in an accident?  Why are you asking me to drive around in something less than perfect?  Why do I have to suffer because of someone else’s mistake?

I have an application on my cell phone that I receive a scripture a day.  On Tuesday, I received this scripture in D & C 78: 18  “And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along.”

I put that timely scripture together with the still small voice that had been telling me to “let it go” and I found peace.  That, my dear friends, is how the Lord strips away at our pride and takes away our hiding places.

But, Heavenly Father isn't finished refining me.

I am beginning to understand that Heavenly Father asked me to create this blog so I could come out of hiding.  He is asking me to expose my feelings, my fears, my weaknesses, my sins and my inadequacies.  Even though it has been very difficult to share my inner self there was a certain amount of safety because I know my readers.  You are my family and friends that I know and love.  There was also a certain amount of hiding that can still take place because I have this computer screen as my mask.

Yesterday, I received a comment on the post about my accident from someone I do not know.  The comment was very nice and pleasant, yet the person behind it was unfamiliar and unknown to me.  My safety net of family and friends was now torn and split open leaving me feeling extremely vulnerable and I found myself spiraling down grasping once again for protection.

My first instinct was to run and hide.  I have to find someone who can teach me how to make my blog “PRIVATE” so only those I invite, only those I know and only those I trust can have access to my willing heart.

Then after I let the panic settle and fear die down I could listen and remember where my strength comes from and the purpose of the blog. 

I remembered the story of Peter spending three years with Jesus learning the gospel from Him.  Yet during that time, there is evidence to suggest that, even though Peter was walking with the Lord, his confidence rested in himself.  But, that illusion of control was shattered the day he recognized his own failure when he denied the Savior for the third time.  The only thing he knew to do was to go back to where he had been before he ever met Jesus.  He went fishing.

I can’t tell you how many times I have denied Jesus; it’s far more than three times.  Most of my life, I felt I was beyond redemption.  I have a strong tendency to go back to where I was before I met Jesus.  I want to go back to hiding. 

Peter initially gave in to temptation and went back to fishing because that’s what was familiar.  But Jesus came and found him as he hid in that boat on the sea.   He found him and he called him to a greater task on one condition:  Peter had to be exclusively devoted to Christ.  Fear could no longer drive him.  Love had to prevail.  “If you love me, feed my sheep.”

My Accident

Yesterday, I was involved in a car accident.  Don’t worry, thanks to our loving Heavenly Father, no one was hurt, except my less than a year old Toyota minivan and my near perfect driving record.  The only other accident I had been involved in was my Freshman year of college back in 1988.

It was a typical busy Saturday full of cheer games, birthday parties, shopping for Halloween costumes, cleaning and our Ward’s trunk or treat activity.  We were on our way home from stopping by a friend’s house to get the rest of her costume as we were getting all dressed up for the Halloween activity at 5:30pm.

 

I was driving with Tara and her friend, Kami, in the back seats.  I heard Tara yell “Mom!” right as I saw a car speeding through the intersection right in front of me.  There was not a second to spare because I never saw it coming.  I rammed right into the brand new Honda Civic holding three teenage boys.  The 18 year old driver didn't even attempt to stop at the stop sign before entering the intersection where I was cruising along with no stop sign, clearly having the right of way.

The crushing sound of our vehicles colliding still rings in my ears.  I hit him right between the rear door and the back bummer on the passenger side.  I’m fairly certain I slammed on my brakes before impact but it all happened so quickly.  I can’t believe I never saw him coming, not even in the corner of my eye, only when it was straight dab in front of me, and too late.

The car with the young men weren't able to come to complete stop until going up on the curb and back onto the road about 200 feet ahead.  My van came to a complete stop upon collision yet I gradually drove it to the side of the curb moving out of the flow of traffic.  Which there was no other traffic so that was a blessing.

Luckily there was a husband and wife outside their home three houses down the street who witnessed the crash.  They came to my vehicle first.  I sat frozen in my seat.  I was in shock of what just happened.  All reasoning of what I should do next left me.  The girls behind me sat in silence; clearly they were in shock also.

I heard the lady standing at my window asking me “are you okay?” and then noticing the girls in the back seat, asked them if they were each okay?  We were all fine just shook up from the experience.  She then informed me she was calling the police for me.

The only thing I could think of was to call Boyd.  He would know what to do.  I really didn't have a clue what I should do; I was still frozen to my seat.  I knew I was less than a mile from our home and that if Boyd answered the phone he would come. 

Now the husband of the wife was at my door talking to me while his wife was on the phone.  I don’t remember what he was saying to me.  I don’t recall even telling them “thank you” for being there.  I just remember saying a couple times “why didn't my air bag go off?”  I was upset that it didn't go off to protect me during the impact.

I do remember my sweet daughter’s voice saying, “Mom, maybe you are lucky that it didn't go off.  You are so short it would have hurt you with its impact”.  I think she is right.  I believe someone, not something, was protecting all of us that day.

A second difference in the timing of the collision would have really changed the severity of the accident.  If the driver would have put on his brakes even one second before impact I would have directly hit the boy sitting in the back seat of the car. 

Boyd did know what to do when he arrived.  He talked to the young driver of the car to get his information, took pictures of both vehicles, picked up the broken car pieces in the intersection and stayed with me until the police officer arrived.  Boyd then had to leave the scene to take Dallin to pick up his car from getting his tires rotated before they closed at 5pm.  He provided the moral support when I needed it the most.

The driver of the car apologized several times.  He admitted full responsibility to me and to the officer for the accident.  He remembers his friend telling him “Hey, there is a stop sign”, yet he said “for some reason it didn’t register that I needed to stop NOW!”

The police officer was friendly and very informative through the process of paperwork we needed to fill out.  The back bumper of the brand new car still with it's temporary paper license plate was barely hanging on and the officer mentioned that it needed to be completely removed in order for him to drive away from the scene.  The officer put his gloves on and began the process of ripping the remaining pieces of the bumper off while we filled out our paperwork. 

The big outer bumper piece came off easily.  The metal beam underneath the bumper was giving him some trouble.  He struggled with it a bit before it finally gave way and it fell to the ground below.  Not without a painful price though.  I didn't notice the officer had cut his finger until I saw him in the back of his Trooper with a pile of cloth covered in blood trying to administer first aid himself.   I offered to help him, but he politely declined.  I understood why.

I don’t believe the young driver was sighted a ticket for his disobedience to the law by failing to stop.  The officer was very merciful and I believe it was due to the fact that the driver confessed, admitted his mistake and was willing to accept responsibility for the consequences of his actions. 

I feel it was a tremendous blessing that no one was injured during the collision.  I am very grateful for the wonderful couple that came running to my aid and called the police when I was frozen in fear and didn't know what to do.  I’m thankful for my husband who dropped everything to peacefully take control of the situation.  My heart is full of gratitude for the merciful police officer who suffered and sacrificed for all of us.  I am proud of the young man who confessed his sin and asked for forgiveness so he wouldn't have to face the judge for justice.

Today during sacrament meeting as thoughts of the accident were still surfacing in my mind, I was filled with gratitude and love for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  He came to my rescue when I was spiritually frozen from the consequences of my mistakes and disobedience to the laws and ordinances of His Gospel.  When I finally humbled myself and confessed my sins, I felt Christ’s perfect mercy, love and forgiveness. 

I also started thinking about an institute lesson a while ago.  We were in D & C 45.  Br. Hinckley explained the purpose of verse 3 in a wonderful way to us. It reads “Listen to him [Jesus Christ] who is the advocate [our mediator, “attorney”, the one who wants us to win on Judgment day] with the Father, who is pleading your cause before him [who wants you to be saved].”

There was commentary by Stephen Robinson in my D & C study book that helped me understand Jesus as my mediator on Judgment day.  “If we plead our own case to God at the Judgment Day, we will lose, and we will not be allowed into the celestial kingdom of God. There is only one advocate, or spokesman, who can plead our case successfully to the Father, and that is His Son, Jesus Christ. He has one invincible argument that cannot fail to convince the judge and win our acquittal. That argument is His own voluntary and infinite sacrifice, His incomprehensible agony, the shedding of His innocent blood, and His unjust death.  Jesus Christ defends us, not by citing the merits of our case, not by arguing our righteous deeds but by arguing His own merits, His own righteousness, His own perfection, and His own voluntary sacrifice. Nothing can withstand this grand, invincible argument. No other facts, logic, reasoning, or accusations overpower it. His argument cannot be resisted even by the demands of justice – for justice has been satisfied.  Jesus will accept our case and plead for us with His grand, invincible argument, however, only if we have become His through sincere repentance, if we have entered into his covenant in good faith, and if we have endured in it to the end of our lives.”

The Lord pleads our case on the basis of his merits; we are saved through his works, his mercy and grace.

And what does he require? “Wherefore, father, spare these my brethren that believe on my name, that they may come unto me and have everlasting life.”  (D&C 45:5)

My Mask

Our Stake created two new wards almost 2 months.  With those new boundary changes our ward lost several of our members and gained new ones from other wards.  My Visiting Teaching companion moved into the new ward that was created.  We were companions for several years so there was some comfort in that relationship.  We received the slips of paper with our new companionship and new sisters to visit a few weeks ago.  I know a little bit about my new companion by listening to her teach in Relief Society while I was still in there.  They kept us visiting two of the same sisters that I had before.  Yet, they gave us a new sister to visit as well.  Change is a little difficult for me.

I asked around for a couple of weeks trying to find information about this new sister on my route.  For some reason I felt I needed to know as much as I could about her before I could approach her and visit her.  I was afraid to just call her up not knowing a thing about her.  Unfortunately, as I asked around, no one seemed to know her.  She must have been a new move in to the area because it appeared even those that came from other wards didn’t recognize the name.

Or she was inactive or she was a DNC (do not contact) or she was just one of those names on our rolls that has left the area to run from the church yet her name on the rolls didn’t follow her. 

Why would I be thinking those crazy thoughts?  Am I trying to find a reason to get out of facing someone new?  Am I afraid of rejection?  Well, what if she is inactive and I knocked on her door would she slam it closed in my face? What if I tried to call her and she didn’t answer would I feel abandoned and ignored?  Or am I just afraid of having to put on my mask of being a good visiting teacher when all I want to do is hide from the responsibility. 

Heavenly Father is asking me and has helped me to take off bits and pieces of my mask and expose myself through the blog.  Why isn’t that enough?  Now, He has given me someone new and I am afraid of her like she is a scary villain out to get me.  How silly that sounds!

We have an amazing Visiting Teaching Supervisor who through emails and texts continues to encourage us to reach out to those new sisters on our route.  We all have new ones.  We have all been affected by these ward changes.  I find comfort in that because I feel like I’m not the only one struggling to reach out to the unknown, unfamiliar and potentially unsafe relationships.

After a couple attempts of leaving a message on her husband cell phone as that was the only number I was provided and going to her house unable to find her there I almost gave up.  Yet, there was someone other than my VT Supervisor leading me on to not give up on her.

On Tuesday, I checked the LDS website again thinking maybe, just maybe I could find more information about her like an email address to try.  Miraculously, there was a new cell phone listed under her name as before there was only the one listed.  So I called, left another message.  Immediately, I felt I left a silly message so I decided to text her to apologize for my message. 

A couple hours later, I received a text back.  YIPPIE!  Contact!  She wasn’t ignoring me after all.  So I contacted my companion and we set a time for a visit on Thursday at 4pm.  I was actually looking forward to the visit until my companion cancelled on me right before 4pm. 

I sat in my van all alone in front of this new sister's townhouse.  How can I go in without my companion?  I often hide behind my companion and let her do all the talking.  Whenever I talk I make mistakes just like I did on her answering machine.  I am going to be face to face all alone on this visit to the unknown.

I said a prayer asking Heavenly Father to give me the courage and strength to get out of my van and go to the front door and that I wouldn’t say anything stupid and make a fool of myself.  The still small voice came and whispered “Just Be Yourself”. 

I found some comfort in that.  Yet, what exactly did He mean.  I am not certain exactly who I am on the inside.  I have worn so many masks throughout my life.  I live and breathe and move on this worldly masquerade ball, longing to display the prettied up, the good natured, the good wife, the good mom, all the exaggerated version of myself to everyone else.  Behind my masks, I am a worried, fearful, anxious wreck of a girl.  

These masks became so natural to me that I didn’t even know they were masks.  I thought they were just part of my face.  I moved through life hiding behind the good and lived out the mess in secret.  I taught people around me that I had no needs and then I was secretly angry with them for believing me.

I believed The Lord was telling me it would be safe to take off my mask and just be myself.  He gave me the courage to get out of the comfortable hiding place of my van and walk to her door.

She answered the door and welcomed me in.  She is a young mother in her early 20’s with a one year old little girl.  The first words out of her mouth were, “we have a familiar friend, Kevin Hinckley told me to tell you ‘hi’ for him.”  Wow!  There was an instant connection that made it safe to remove my mask. 

Let me explain why, Kevin Hinckley is my therapist and now I find out that this woman also sees Kevin Hinckley professionally.  She was not afraid to take off her mask to open up and explain why she goes to him.  “I have separation anxiety, nervous breakdowns and other anxiety issues that he is helping me through”.  

Really?  Wow!  So do I!  I told her how impressed I was that she was seeking help at such a young age.  I admitted that I was 40 years old before I humbled myself and realized I needed to change and that I couldn’t do it on my own.  

I can’t explain how vulnerable I felt yet so very FREE to be myself with Rachal.  The rest of the time together was so open and honest.  There was never that dull uncomfortable moment of silence.  It was like our hearts connected and bonded together which created strength and power and unity.

I should have been embarrassed about the weaknesses and the truth I exposed about myself.  Yet, I walked away from her house after our visit feeling like I could fly.  The visit with Rachal was fun, it was bold, it was unfiltered, it was unmasked and it was safe.

The Lord made it safe to walk out from under my mask.  We do have a God who sees and cares and notices.  Behind the mask, I am just a girl who longs to believe that Jesus can and will make a difference.  Most of my life I had difficulty collecting the evidence of Him.  But now I am in desperate need of a source outside of my own ability, my own strengths and my own will.

Chances are you can relate to the hiding and the masking.  You may be hiding from something, hiding behind something, or simply hiding something.  The concept of hiding isn’t new.  It started way back in the beginning, with an apple, a snake, a lie, and a fig leaf.  The hiding has kept me silent in relationships when I could have spoken out.  It has kept me paralyzed with fear and anxiety when I could have danced in freedom.  And this prison of self-protection has kept me from receiving the boundless, unfathomable, gracious love of God.

Sixteen Small Stones

You my loyal followers have probably noticed that I have not written a post in over a week.  This really has bothered me.  Everything I have posted so far, Heavenly Father inspired and prompted me to write.  It is really amazing how He provides the inspiration and topics to write about.  Yet, after my “anxiety attack” and my battle with the adversary nothing seems to be coming to me anymore.  I’ve asked myself, “Does Heavenly Father not trust me anymore?  Or could it be that I don’t trust which voice is His anymore?”  I am certain I know the difference, yet I find myself in a battle once again within my mind…...forgetting to listen to my heart.

There is so much I would like to write about.  But, it’s not supposed to be about me.  The blog was intended to Glorify God, not me.  I am praying and asking Him what He wants me to write.  Yet……Silence.

Today, I reached out to my dear husband and a trusted friend asking them, “what is wrong with me, why can’t I write?”

Heavenly Father provided my answer through those individuals in my life.  Mortal beings provide the voice of reason when our spiritual ears are blocked by the adversaries darts of fear and doubt.

My husband reminded me of a quote from one of the General Authorities about how sometimes when the path is not lit and we are unsure of which way to go, we may need to walk in the dark a couple of steps before the path becomes clear.  I understood that to mean; A few steps in and the trail becomes clear.  Therefore, my husband was telling me, “Tresa, go ahead, just sit down, begin to write from your heart and the spirit will lighten your mind to know what direction to take”. 

Interesting enough that was the same advice my friend gave me. “My thoughts are that you MUST continue to write.  When you share the personal struggles as well as the triumphs, we can relate and realize we are never alone!  I think you need to press forward and write, write, write……YOU CAN DO IT!”

What would we do without our loving family and friends to motivate us to action?!

I was also reminded of a recent Relief Society meeting where the guest speaker was teaching us to always take what we have to the Lord and He will magnify it.  He shared the scripture story of Mahonri Moriancumer better known as the Brother of Jared in Ether 2.  The brother of Jared had followed the command from God to build barges for their journey to a promised land. 

In verse 18, “And it came to pass that the brother of Jared cried unto the Lord, saying:  O Lord, I have performed the work which thou hast commanded me, and I have made the barges according as thou hast directed me.”  Verse 19, “And behold, O Lord, in them there is no light; whither shall we steer?  And also we shall perish, for in them we cannot breathe, save it is the air which is in them; therefore we shall perish.”

Once the barges were completed he recognized they were missing a way to receive light, a way of steering and a way to breathe air inside the vessel. 

After asking the Lord those questions, the brother of Jared was instructed to make a hole in the top and bottom to receive air and that they didn’t need a way to steer the barges because He would command the winds and the storms of the sea to direct their way to the Promised Land. 

What I find interesting is the Lord didn’t answer his question about the light?  Instead in verse 23 he answered his question with a question, “And the Lord said unto the brother of Jared:  What will ye that I should do that ye may have light in your vessels?.....what would I prepare for you that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of the sea?”

The Lord is telling the brother of Jared to think of a solution to your light problem and then come to me for what I can do for you to make it happen. 

Is that not what I have tried to do?  Heavenly Father asked me to create this blog to help myself and others to reach the "Promised Land" of peace, comfort, understanding and healing.  I did what He asked me to do.  He provided the inspiration and words to uplift and encourage thus far.  Now, when I come to the Lord asking Him to provide me with more light and knowledge it’s like He is answering me back with a question.  

What do you have to offer, what can you create and what can you write so that I can bring My Light to those that follow you?  Dear child, bring what little you have to offer and I will magnify it and multiply it for good.

And that is what the brother of Jared did.  In Chapter 3 verse 1-2 “And it came to pass that the brother of Jared went forth unto the mount and did molten out of rock sixteen small stones; and they were white and clear, even as transparent glass; and he did carry them in his hands upon the top of the mount, and cried again unto the Lord, saying:”

I like that he “created” something to bring to the Lord.  The brother of Jared had an idea and he went forward and molted “created” stones out of rock.  He created some simple little white clear stones to take to the Lord as an offering, believing the Lord could do something with them to create light for the barges.

The next several verses the brother of Jared seeks forgiveness first. I will paraphrase; O Lord, do not be angry with me because of my weaknesses.  I know I am unworthy before thee.  O Lord, look upon me with pity, and turn away thine anger and suffer not that we shall go across the deep sea in darkness; but behold these things which I have molten out of the rock. O Lord, touch these stones with thy finger and prepare them that they may shine forth in darkness that we may have light while we shall cross the sea.

This next verse I love because it shows how much faith and trust the brother of Jared had in God.  Verse 5:  “Behold, O Lord thou canst do this.  We know that thou art able to show forth great power, which looks small unto the understanding of men.”

What amazing faith!  I understand now that is what I was lacking during my “writers block”.  I lacked the faith necessary to bring what I had to the Lord believing that He would touch it and bring forth light unto others.

And we know how it ends, the Lord did stretch forth his hand and touched the stones one by one with his finger and they provided light.  However, that is not all the Lord did for the brother of Jared.  Because of his exceeding faith the Lord showed his whole self unto him; his entire being not just his finger and continued to show unto him great and marvelous things concerning the Kingdom of God. 

Wow!  As I just now read those scriptures again, there is something else that stands out to me.

Verse 9, “Because of thy faith thou has seen that I shall take upon me flesh and blood; and never has man come before me with such exceeding faith as thou hast; for were it not so ye could not have seen my finger. Sawest thou more than this?” The Lord is asking him, “Do you want to see more of me?”

The Lord draws us to Him with questions.  “Do you want me to be a part of your life?  Do you want my peace?  Do you want to know what true joy feels like?  Do you believe the words which I speak?  Do you want to see, hear and feel more of me?  Do you want to be in my presence again?” 

What is your answer?  How are you responding to His call to Come Unto Me?

Listen!

Journal entry 10-15-12

After my apparent “failure” at sharing my testimony at Stake Conference I have been searching for answers to; why I think I was a failure? What caused my anxiety? Why do I think they would reject my message? I so desperately want others to feel God’s love like I have and experience a change of heart. Yet, I feel so inadequate to deliver when called upon with no preparation.

This morning I was praying, searching and reading blogs on the Time Out For Women (TOFW) website. Heavenly Father speaks to me generally through the written words so I was reading searching for His answer.

Jason Wright, the author of the very popular well known book The Christmas Jars had a short video clip of one of his speeches at a TOFW event. Early in the speech he must have been talking about some failures in finding a job or something, the video clip didn’t include that. I will quote what he said;

“All those failures, well…. it felt like they were preparing me for something; to be more in tune, to be more meek, more spiritually sensitive. I decided I wanted to write a book called The Christmas Jars. I sent it off to 20 agents and all of them replied, ‘Thanks, but No Thanks!’”

I think that is where some of my fears are stemmed from. That people will reject my message of hope, peace and love from Heavenly Father. The message of the healing power of the Savior was what I was asked to bare my testimony of. I desire everyone to have the opportunity to feel His unconditional love and I get frustrated if I can’t portray His message well enough so that people will believe it and turn to Christ and Live. 

Is that what my fear was about, rejection?

Back to Jason’s words;

“Then I began to listen! I began to listen! I began to wonder what this chronic failure meant. I tried to be less angry at them (the publishers saying “No”), and started listening more to another voice prompting me and guiding me to keep trying. To do better – not to be tougher, meaner, or thicker, but to stop and to Listen!  One of the voices encouraging me along the way was my wife who said ‘keep trying, I’m here, I’m with you, keep trying.’ And I did. The book was published because I began to listen.”

That is what Heavenly Father just told me to do is to LISTEN! He just answered my prayer.

Several people have told me “Thank you” for sharing my testimony or they say “you did a great job”. At first I ran from it. I even blocked it because I didn’t want to listen to them give me credit I didn’t deserve. Yet, now the Lord is telling me to listen to them.

Boyd wrote me an email. I blocked his words at first but now the Lord is telling me to listen to him; my closest companion.

“There is a poem which I had sent to me during my mission which essentially speaks to acceptance of yourself. I read it over and over again when I felt I was not measuring up. That’s easy to do on a mission when you have been “called and set apart” to preach the gospel (e.g. high expectations)… yet boldly preaching the gospel can be intimidating when you lack confidence because you’re not a natural teacher or “people person”, and so few people really want to listen anyway. I’ll find the entire poem when I am home next, but the first few lines go something like this.

Imagine how happy and free I could be,

If I took me a little less seriously.

If I’d laugh at my faults every once in a while,

And accept my mistakes with a shrug and smile.”

These words along with his other sweet words of comfort helped me to realize that Boyd does understand how I feel. I didn’t think he or anyone could really understand the sadness of feeling inadequate and rejected. Yet, he can relate because he had this wonderful message of the Gospel of Jesus Christ to share with the people in Canada and most of them flat out rejected him.

That was my greatest fear, standing up there trying to share my message from my heart knowing that it would probably be rejected. Boyd could relate and clearly understand the pain of apparent “failure” in our minds.

Then I went to institute and sat next to a dear friend. She leaned over and told me how much she enjoyed my testimony and that she felt it was the most sincere testimony out of all of them that night. I tried to let it sink in and not block it this time. Listen, Tresa! Then again and again, people I didn’t even know came up to me in class today because they recognized me from conference and said “Thank you for sharing your testimony”.

I guess the message I gave wasn't a failure after all.

I wonder if I was also trying to avoid people because I didn’t deserve to receive acknowledgement and praise. The message, the hope, and the healing that I received and was able to bare testimony of was a gift given to me by our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He is responsible, not me. Don’t thank me, turn to Christ and thank Him, He is responsible for the healing power.

Journal Entry 10-16-12

Today, I am realizing just how much Satan had a hold of me that night of Stake Conference.  From the second my name was called, he placed fear in my heart.  Then as I was walking up there, “what are you going to say, it better be good there are a lot of people here”.  When I said the prayer asking Heavenly Father what He wanted me to say, I heard an answer and if felt good and I was willing and wanted to share my testimony of the healing power of the atonement.  That is what held me up there at the podium even when the adversary was telling me to run. 

When I started to share what I had learned, Satan was still speaking to me.  “There are doctors and nurses out there in the audience, you better get the medical snake antidote right, otherwise they will correct you”.  I remember specifically having that voice tell me I had better say out loud, “I will probably get this analogy wrong…please bare with me”.  But a calm voice said “you don’t need to apologize just continue to speak” as if the spirit would ensure that analogy would be received correctly.  I did get the analogy wrong; I completely left out the antibody word that the blood creates as it fights the antigen of the venom.  Yet, people say, they completely understand it without the correct words.  Amazing!

A friend told me she was impressed that I would pause during my testimony as if I was listening to the spirit for what to say.  Well, to be honest I was pausing trying to decipher what the adversary was saying and what the still small voice was speaking.  It was an emotional and spiritual battle going on inside of me.

I ended my testimony rather abruptly.  There was more I wanted to say and felt I should say, but the battle was tearing me apart and I couldn't handle the pressure between the vices.  The voice saying to give up was clear.  I did give up the fight and closed my testimony quickly and sat down. 

In a sense, Satan did get the best of me because I gave in to his voice and I continued to listen to him as he was determined to speak words of failure and doubt in my mind.  Those were my feelings of failure; I felt I allowed the adversary to win.  It was not a fun battle to fight.  Satan wanted this experience to be a horrible experience for me so I would never have the courage to share my testimony again.  Well…….It is clear to me now what he was trying to accomplish and there is no way I’m going to let him win.

The Spirit obviously won the ultimate battle because when I listen more openly to what people have responded they all are saying “thank you” for being the voice to give such a message of hope.  “Thank you” for allowing the spirit to touch my heart and recognize the need for healing.  When I take “me” out of the equation and just listen I hear that the spirit did in fact do the teaching.  He was successful!  He did not fail!

Jesus Christ provided me with the healing power of the atonement to change my broken heart.  Heavenly Father provided me with the knowledge of the Serpent analogy of that healing power.  The Holy Ghost provided the voice of reason and understanding when I needed it.  God provides every provision and promise I could ever need.  Why then did I doubt His provisions and allow Satan to get a hold of me? 

Yet, I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone in that weakness of doubt.  I remember Eve in the Garden of Eden.  The very first women on earth had everything provided for her.  She even had Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in her midst daily.  Yet, she chose to focus on the one thing God forbid.  The one thing she wasn't supposed to partake of.  She forgot about every other tree in the garden that she could freely eat and partook of the one she shouldn't. 

It is very humbling to be aware of my weaknesses.  I now know something specific I want to change about myself.  I want to live my life trusting in God's provisions not my own selfish wants and desires.  That may take a long time to master and it won't be easy.  But my heart is willing because I know Heavenly Father is powerful and He will not fail.