Listen!

Journal entry 10-15-12

After my apparent “failure” at sharing my testimony at Stake Conference I have been searching for answers to; why I think I was a failure? What caused my anxiety? Why do I think they would reject my message? I so desperately want others to feel God’s love like I have and experience a change of heart. Yet, I feel so inadequate to deliver when called upon with no preparation.

This morning I was praying, searching and reading blogs on the Time Out For Women (TOFW) website. Heavenly Father speaks to me generally through the written words so I was reading searching for His answer.

Jason Wright, the author of the very popular well known book The Christmas Jars had a short video clip of one of his speeches at a TOFW event. Early in the speech he must have been talking about some failures in finding a job or something, the video clip didn’t include that. I will quote what he said;

“All those failures, well…. it felt like they were preparing me for something; to be more in tune, to be more meek, more spiritually sensitive. I decided I wanted to write a book called The Christmas Jars. I sent it off to 20 agents and all of them replied, ‘Thanks, but No Thanks!’”

I think that is where some of my fears are stemmed from. That people will reject my message of hope, peace and love from Heavenly Father. The message of the healing power of the Savior was what I was asked to bare my testimony of. I desire everyone to have the opportunity to feel His unconditional love and I get frustrated if I can’t portray His message well enough so that people will believe it and turn to Christ and Live. 

Is that what my fear was about, rejection?

Back to Jason’s words;

“Then I began to listen! I began to listen! I began to wonder what this chronic failure meant. I tried to be less angry at them (the publishers saying “No”), and started listening more to another voice prompting me and guiding me to keep trying. To do better – not to be tougher, meaner, or thicker, but to stop and to Listen!  One of the voices encouraging me along the way was my wife who said ‘keep trying, I’m here, I’m with you, keep trying.’ And I did. The book was published because I began to listen.”

That is what Heavenly Father just told me to do is to LISTEN! He just answered my prayer.

Several people have told me “Thank you” for sharing my testimony or they say “you did a great job”. At first I ran from it. I even blocked it because I didn’t want to listen to them give me credit I didn’t deserve. Yet, now the Lord is telling me to listen to them.

Boyd wrote me an email. I blocked his words at first but now the Lord is telling me to listen to him; my closest companion.

“There is a poem which I had sent to me during my mission which essentially speaks to acceptance of yourself. I read it over and over again when I felt I was not measuring up. That’s easy to do on a mission when you have been “called and set apart” to preach the gospel (e.g. high expectations)… yet boldly preaching the gospel can be intimidating when you lack confidence because you’re not a natural teacher or “people person”, and so few people really want to listen anyway. I’ll find the entire poem when I am home next, but the first few lines go something like this.

Imagine how happy and free I could be,

If I took me a little less seriously.

If I’d laugh at my faults every once in a while,

And accept my mistakes with a shrug and smile.”

These words along with his other sweet words of comfort helped me to realize that Boyd does understand how I feel. I didn’t think he or anyone could really understand the sadness of feeling inadequate and rejected. Yet, he can relate because he had this wonderful message of the Gospel of Jesus Christ to share with the people in Canada and most of them flat out rejected him.

That was my greatest fear, standing up there trying to share my message from my heart knowing that it would probably be rejected. Boyd could relate and clearly understand the pain of apparent “failure” in our minds.

Then I went to institute and sat next to a dear friend. She leaned over and told me how much she enjoyed my testimony and that she felt it was the most sincere testimony out of all of them that night. I tried to let it sink in and not block it this time. Listen, Tresa! Then again and again, people I didn’t even know came up to me in class today because they recognized me from conference and said “Thank you for sharing your testimony”.

I guess the message I gave wasn't a failure after all.

I wonder if I was also trying to avoid people because I didn’t deserve to receive acknowledgement and praise. The message, the hope, and the healing that I received and was able to bare testimony of was a gift given to me by our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He is responsible, not me. Don’t thank me, turn to Christ and thank Him, He is responsible for the healing power.

Journal Entry 10-16-12

Today, I am realizing just how much Satan had a hold of me that night of Stake Conference.  From the second my name was called, he placed fear in my heart.  Then as I was walking up there, “what are you going to say, it better be good there are a lot of people here”.  When I said the prayer asking Heavenly Father what He wanted me to say, I heard an answer and if felt good and I was willing and wanted to share my testimony of the healing power of the atonement.  That is what held me up there at the podium even when the adversary was telling me to run. 

When I started to share what I had learned, Satan was still speaking to me.  “There are doctors and nurses out there in the audience, you better get the medical snake antidote right, otherwise they will correct you”.  I remember specifically having that voice tell me I had better say out loud, “I will probably get this analogy wrong…please bare with me”.  But a calm voice said “you don’t need to apologize just continue to speak” as if the spirit would ensure that analogy would be received correctly.  I did get the analogy wrong; I completely left out the antibody word that the blood creates as it fights the antigen of the venom.  Yet, people say, they completely understand it without the correct words.  Amazing!

A friend told me she was impressed that I would pause during my testimony as if I was listening to the spirit for what to say.  Well, to be honest I was pausing trying to decipher what the adversary was saying and what the still small voice was speaking.  It was an emotional and spiritual battle going on inside of me.

I ended my testimony rather abruptly.  There was more I wanted to say and felt I should say, but the battle was tearing me apart and I couldn't handle the pressure between the vices.  The voice saying to give up was clear.  I did give up the fight and closed my testimony quickly and sat down. 

In a sense, Satan did get the best of me because I gave in to his voice and I continued to listen to him as he was determined to speak words of failure and doubt in my mind.  Those were my feelings of failure; I felt I allowed the adversary to win.  It was not a fun battle to fight.  Satan wanted this experience to be a horrible experience for me so I would never have the courage to share my testimony again.  Well…….It is clear to me now what he was trying to accomplish and there is no way I’m going to let him win.

The Spirit obviously won the ultimate battle because when I listen more openly to what people have responded they all are saying “thank you” for being the voice to give such a message of hope.  “Thank you” for allowing the spirit to touch my heart and recognize the need for healing.  When I take “me” out of the equation and just listen I hear that the spirit did in fact do the teaching.  He was successful!  He did not fail!

Jesus Christ provided me with the healing power of the atonement to change my broken heart.  Heavenly Father provided me with the knowledge of the Serpent analogy of that healing power.  The Holy Ghost provided the voice of reason and understanding when I needed it.  God provides every provision and promise I could ever need.  Why then did I doubt His provisions and allow Satan to get a hold of me? 

Yet, I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone in that weakness of doubt.  I remember Eve in the Garden of Eden.  The very first women on earth had everything provided for her.  She even had Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in her midst daily.  Yet, she chose to focus on the one thing God forbid.  The one thing she wasn't supposed to partake of.  She forgot about every other tree in the garden that she could freely eat and partook of the one she shouldn't. 

It is very humbling to be aware of my weaknesses.  I now know something specific I want to change about myself.  I want to live my life trusting in God's provisions not my own selfish wants and desires.  That may take a long time to master and it won't be easy.  But my heart is willing because I know Heavenly Father is powerful and He will not fail.