My Mask

Our Stake created two new wards almost 2 months.  With those new boundary changes our ward lost several of our members and gained new ones from other wards.  My Visiting Teaching companion moved into the new ward that was created.  We were companions for several years so there was some comfort in that relationship.  We received the slips of paper with our new companionship and new sisters to visit a few weeks ago.  I know a little bit about my new companion by listening to her teach in Relief Society while I was still in there.  They kept us visiting two of the same sisters that I had before.  Yet, they gave us a new sister to visit as well.  Change is a little difficult for me.

I asked around for a couple of weeks trying to find information about this new sister on my route.  For some reason I felt I needed to know as much as I could about her before I could approach her and visit her.  I was afraid to just call her up not knowing a thing about her.  Unfortunately, as I asked around, no one seemed to know her.  She must have been a new move in to the area because it appeared even those that came from other wards didn’t recognize the name.

Or she was inactive or she was a DNC (do not contact) or she was just one of those names on our rolls that has left the area to run from the church yet her name on the rolls didn’t follow her. 

Why would I be thinking those crazy thoughts?  Am I trying to find a reason to get out of facing someone new?  Am I afraid of rejection?  Well, what if she is inactive and I knocked on her door would she slam it closed in my face? What if I tried to call her and she didn’t answer would I feel abandoned and ignored?  Or am I just afraid of having to put on my mask of being a good visiting teacher when all I want to do is hide from the responsibility. 

Heavenly Father is asking me and has helped me to take off bits and pieces of my mask and expose myself through the blog.  Why isn’t that enough?  Now, He has given me someone new and I am afraid of her like she is a scary villain out to get me.  How silly that sounds!

We have an amazing Visiting Teaching Supervisor who through emails and texts continues to encourage us to reach out to those new sisters on our route.  We all have new ones.  We have all been affected by these ward changes.  I find comfort in that because I feel like I’m not the only one struggling to reach out to the unknown, unfamiliar and potentially unsafe relationships.

After a couple attempts of leaving a message on her husband cell phone as that was the only number I was provided and going to her house unable to find her there I almost gave up.  Yet, there was someone other than my VT Supervisor leading me on to not give up on her.

On Tuesday, I checked the LDS website again thinking maybe, just maybe I could find more information about her like an email address to try.  Miraculously, there was a new cell phone listed under her name as before there was only the one listed.  So I called, left another message.  Immediately, I felt I left a silly message so I decided to text her to apologize for my message. 

A couple hours later, I received a text back.  YIPPIE!  Contact!  She wasn’t ignoring me after all.  So I contacted my companion and we set a time for a visit on Thursday at 4pm.  I was actually looking forward to the visit until my companion cancelled on me right before 4pm. 

I sat in my van all alone in front of this new sister's townhouse.  How can I go in without my companion?  I often hide behind my companion and let her do all the talking.  Whenever I talk I make mistakes just like I did on her answering machine.  I am going to be face to face all alone on this visit to the unknown.

I said a prayer asking Heavenly Father to give me the courage and strength to get out of my van and go to the front door and that I wouldn’t say anything stupid and make a fool of myself.  The still small voice came and whispered “Just Be Yourself”. 

I found some comfort in that.  Yet, what exactly did He mean.  I am not certain exactly who I am on the inside.  I have worn so many masks throughout my life.  I live and breathe and move on this worldly masquerade ball, longing to display the prettied up, the good natured, the good wife, the good mom, all the exaggerated version of myself to everyone else.  Behind my masks, I am a worried, fearful, anxious wreck of a girl.  

These masks became so natural to me that I didn’t even know they were masks.  I thought they were just part of my face.  I moved through life hiding behind the good and lived out the mess in secret.  I taught people around me that I had no needs and then I was secretly angry with them for believing me.

I believed The Lord was telling me it would be safe to take off my mask and just be myself.  He gave me the courage to get out of the comfortable hiding place of my van and walk to her door.

She answered the door and welcomed me in.  She is a young mother in her early 20’s with a one year old little girl.  The first words out of her mouth were, “we have a familiar friend, Kevin Hinckley told me to tell you ‘hi’ for him.”  Wow!  There was an instant connection that made it safe to remove my mask. 

Let me explain why, Kevin Hinckley is my therapist and now I find out that this woman also sees Kevin Hinckley professionally.  She was not afraid to take off her mask to open up and explain why she goes to him.  “I have separation anxiety, nervous breakdowns and other anxiety issues that he is helping me through”.  

Really?  Wow!  So do I!  I told her how impressed I was that she was seeking help at such a young age.  I admitted that I was 40 years old before I humbled myself and realized I needed to change and that I couldn’t do it on my own.  

I can’t explain how vulnerable I felt yet so very FREE to be myself with Rachal.  The rest of the time together was so open and honest.  There was never that dull uncomfortable moment of silence.  It was like our hearts connected and bonded together which created strength and power and unity.

I should have been embarrassed about the weaknesses and the truth I exposed about myself.  Yet, I walked away from her house after our visit feeling like I could fly.  The visit with Rachal was fun, it was bold, it was unfiltered, it was unmasked and it was safe.

The Lord made it safe to walk out from under my mask.  We do have a God who sees and cares and notices.  Behind the mask, I am just a girl who longs to believe that Jesus can and will make a difference.  Most of my life I had difficulty collecting the evidence of Him.  But now I am in desperate need of a source outside of my own ability, my own strengths and my own will.

Chances are you can relate to the hiding and the masking.  You may be hiding from something, hiding behind something, or simply hiding something.  The concept of hiding isn’t new.  It started way back in the beginning, with an apple, a snake, a lie, and a fig leaf.  The hiding has kept me silent in relationships when I could have spoken out.  It has kept me paralyzed with fear and anxiety when I could have danced in freedom.  And this prison of self-protection has kept me from receiving the boundless, unfathomable, gracious love of God.