I was trying to save myself. I was kicking, screaming and moving about staying real busy in hopes that my actions would encourage someone to free me, to lift me out of my hole. Most days, I was very comfortable in my hole and I didn't want to be moved. It was a familiar place and the more I waited there it became more and more comfortable. To come out of my hole would mean change and change was unfamiliar and probably painful.
On good days I felt this hole wasn't meant for me to stay in forever. There was a sliver of hope that lingered in my heart that I could be set free.
I didn't know what needed to change, but I knew something had to change. I had a good idea what....more like who needed to change. There were many individuals that were responsible for my pain and the reason I was in the hole of despair. Some days I felt like I was making progress pulling myself out, only for someone to inadvertently push me right back down to where I belonged. I was determined that those individuals that hurt me needed to change and/or apologize before I could be set free to heal.
I didn't trust anyone. Experience had proven time and again, there was no one to trust. I was on my own.....yet my own efforts weren't getting me anywhere though. It was a vicious cycle of doubt and fear mingled with bits of hope.
The only scripture mastery that I remember from my youth was the sliver of hope that I held onto. It is Matthew 11:28. "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
I was tired, exhausted really and my tiredness brought out my weaknesses in increased abundance. I found myself more and more angry, stressed and out of control. I had tried to suppress my pain, bitterness, resentment and anger but after time I discovered they reared their ugly heads and they sought the weakest victims to attack. Which so happened to be those closest to me; my children and my husband. The adversary's greatest weapon is to attack the family unit.
I didn't like who I was becoming. I felt I couldn't control my thoughts, words and actions anymore.
I was forced to admit that I was unable to remove those destructive behaviors without help. I could not access the liberating power of the atonement without first admitting and believing I was unable to change on my own.
That was a big step for me because my pride had kept me believing I could do it on my own. I thought I could save myself. I was trying to earn my way to heaven. I was attending church, serving in my callings, doing my visiting teaching and keeping the commandments. Why wasn't that enough?
What I didn't know or believe in was love. My heart was too full of anger, pain and resentment; there was no room left for love.
Heavenly Father's love can penetrate even the most hardened heart. I wasn't sure then, but I know now.
So how do we let God's love in?
For me, I needed to read and pray to get to know His true nature. I have admitted that those were my greatest weaknesses. I didn't like to read and I didn't want to pray. But, I did want and I did need something to change in my life. I did approach Heavenly Father with real intent and the desire to do whatever it took to change my broken self.
I wasn't going to let Heavenly Father's love in until I could trust Him. I couldn't trust Him until I believed in Him. I knew of Heavenly Father because I have gone to church all my life and heard about Him. What I did lack was a personal relationship with Him.
Since I didn't like to read and Heavenly Father knew that about me, He sent my sister to introduce me to Christian love stories to read. Those books allowed me to step outside of my redundant life and read about love in a different way than I knew or had experienced. A love I didn't really know existed.
I was so caught up living my life the only way I felt I deserved that I didn't know there was more out there.
By reading I learned there was more to learn about love. And I liked what I was reading and the warm feeling I would get while I read these books. That was Heavenly Father's first step in letting His love in. The walls I had built around my heart to protect it were slowly beginning to weaken and crumble.
Yet, I would still have doubts creep in because those were just stories. People write love stories as a fantasy. It was just made up to look that good. I still never believed love could really feel that real and good.
From those books, my mother told me about Embraced by the Light, a near death experience of Betty Eaden. Now, that book really touched me. I started to ask myself, how can she make up those experiences with life after death and the amazing love and acceptance she felt on the other side? That couldn't be made up, could it? So I wanted to read more and more to just confirm to me that what she experienced and what I was feeling when I read her book was really real. But, she wasn't an LDS author. So then I moved on to find an LDS perspective of near death experiences. And I found some books that confirmed the love that Betty spoke of was indeed real.
As I read these books and prayed to know if they were true, Heavenly Father’s love was healing me and changing me. I was letting His love in gradually and I desired more of those feelings of love. So I read more and more. I started going to institute class where I could feel of God’s love for me through reading the scriptures. I learned so much more about Heavenly Father’s true nature and about His PERFECT love, PERFECT mercy and PERFECT forgiveness through the scriptures. I went through the process of allowing God to shatter every false image of Him that I had created in my mind. I was starting to see who He really is and in the process found who I really was.
I never thought I would find the time to read in my busy
schedule. But, that is the amazing
blessing of how Heavenly Father changes us.
His love helped me prioritize my life by removing my desire to shop, to
watch TV and do frivolous activities that took up my time. So I found time and energy to read, study and
pray.
It is God's love that changes us. We pray asking Him to remove our heavy burdens. We think it should be this magical experience that when we ask, the next morning we wake up and our problems are gone. Well, it may be that fast for some, but what I am realizing that when I turn to Heavenly Father and ask, the process is different than I ever imagined. It is His love that changes us. When we humbly turn to Him with real desire and real intent to overcome our weaknesses, He gives us His PERFECT love, His PERFECT mercy, and His PERFECT forgiveness of our weaknesses.
It is His love that heals our soul; our spirit and our heart. Therefore, allowing us to find the desire, strength and courage within ourselves to overcome our weakness. It is ultimately His love that takes away our weaknesses, while still allowing our free agency to choose to let go of those heavy burdens.
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