The Forbidden Fruit

In the Bible Study class I am taking we have been studying Genesis in the Old Testament.  Today during my homework study I was convicted of a couple things.

In Genesis 3: 7 we learn the immediate result of disobedience was that the eyes of Adam and Eve were opened: they knew they were naked – uncovered, exposed before God and each other.  Therefore they quickly “sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.” 

Consciousness of guilt started a chain reaction with them.  We feel guilt because the sin was bad.  Yet, how often does that guilt turn into shame.  To me, shame comes because the feelings of I am bad sneak in after sin.  So the chain reaction of guilt and shame follow.

Adam and Eve tried to cover themselves, but fig leaves could not compensate for the loss of innocence.  

As I look back over my life, I attempted the same thing as Adam and Eve.  I tried to cover up my sins and my sense of guilt not with fig leaves but with activity.  I stayed busy with church activity and volunteer work trying to look good and not expose my sinful nature.  Nothing can cover past sins of rebellion and independence from God.

Then in verse 8 reads “And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day:  and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden.”

Adam and Eve’s guilt made them try to escape from God by hiding among the trees. 

I used the same “escape mechanism” to avoid facing up to my responsibility for myself and my actions.  I chose to live in a whirl wind of activity, pleasure, noise, anything to drown the voice of Heavenly Father calling to my conscience.  I cringed with fear and insecurity before Heavenly Father.  Sin brings this deep sense of insecurity through having given in to Satan’s temptation.

Then what happened?  “And the Lord God called out unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?”  Adam finally shows himself and justified why he hid because he was naked.  “who told thee that thou wast naked?  Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?”

What was Adam response? “The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.”  Eve’s response when asked was the basically the same, “The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.”

Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent, and it also sounds like Adam complained against Heavenly Father a bit when he said, “The woman YOU put here with me…”.  Wouldn't you think they should have at least admitted, “I did partake of the forbidden fruit” first and then explain or justify their reason for doing so?  But it was blame first and then admission. 

I confess, I placed blame on people and situations rather than accept responsibility for my rebellious teenage nature and obvious rejection of Heavenly Father’s love, promises and provisions.

I grew up with what I refer to as the China Doll Syndrome.  You probably know what a China Doll is and what they look like.  They are made out of porcelain which is fragile in nature due to the fact that they are hollow on the inside.  The doll is then painted and decorated to look so beautiful on the outside.  In my childhood, I was referred to quite often as the “China doll” of the family.  I was often told “you are the cute one in the family” while my siblings received recognition for their good grades and social abilities.  It’s interesting that when I talk to my siblings about this now, they feel they weren't smart or social and they also struggled with insecurities.  Was I trying to blame them?

Because of some abuse and criticism, I felt I was deprived of filling my soul with goodness and self-worth.  I, therefore, felt hollow on the inside like a China doll.  I didn’t know who I was.  I just knew I must be good looking since that was the only positive recognition I received.  I didn’t feel unconditional love and acceptance at home so I looked outside of the home for another type of love and acceptance.  I used the only thing I knew I had and felt accepted for.  My porcelain doll exterior.  And it worked.  I was surrounded by boys most of my teenage life.  I teetered on the fence of immorality for a while and then I fell.  I sinned and that China doll was broken. 

It’s not that I set out at such a young age saying “I am going out looking for love” today.  No, but subconsciously, I was searching for acceptance and someone to fill the emptiness I felt inside.  If you think about it this way, we all lived with Heavenly Father before we came to earth.  We were surrounded by his unconditional love constantly.  Don’t you think we would remember at least a tiny bit of what that type of love feels like when we come to earth? We desire and search to feel that love again. 

The adversary deceives us into believing that our parents love is not enough and that we should search in the world for love.  I was clearly listening to Satan's voice and not the voice of Heavenly Father.

Heavenly Father’s love was there all along…..I was just blind and avoiding it.

I was searching for that certain type of love in all the wrong places.  At my young age, I went through the steps of repentance and chose to live my life better so I could be married in the temple.  Even though, the Bishop told me I was forgiven.  I didn’t understand the true nature of Heavenly Father nor did I believe how Jesus Christ’s atonement could forgive me of my sins.  I may have been forgiven for my sin, but I wasn’t healed of my sin.  I still felt empty and lost, searching for someone who would make me feel complete. 

I believe I placed blame on everyone else and my situation rather than accept responsibility.  There is no one to blame for my bad choices but myself.  There is no real confession when you also partly blame someone else. 

Adam and Eve were given everything they needed and wanted in the garden.  They had Heavenly parents, a brother Jesus Christ, trees, plants, animals, flowers, food and water.  Heavenly Father provided it all for them because He loved them and wanted them to be close to Him and depend on Him and His provisions.  When Eve looked at the fruit, she chose to focus on the one thing God had forbidden.  The look blinded her to the fact that she was free to enjoy all the other trees of the garden. 

Likewise, Heavenly Father gave me everything I needed and wanted in my home growing up.  I had wonderful parents who loved me the best they could and in the only way they knew how.  I was provided trees to climb, plants to tend, animals to care for, flowers to smell, food and water to sustain my life in plentiful.  Yet, I chose to focus on the things God had forbidden and listen to the voice of the adversary instead of His.