Take My Hand

I was called as a replacement for the 2^nd counselor in the Relief Society presidency.  These sisters had been serving together over a year when I was called.

The very first meeting the President explained to me the promptings she received when she was praying to know who she should call.  My name came to her but she pushed it away because I was serving in the stake and she was under the impression stake people were “untouchable”.  My name kept coming back to her.  So she felt she would present my name to the Bishop and let him decide.  Bishop made it clear to her that he had received the same promptings.

Immediately upon being called I felt overwhelmed and terribly intimidated.  That is how Heavenly Father humbles us.  He calls us to serve in positions where we have to turn to Him, we need to rely on His strength because we are weak.  When I was told of the circumstances behind me being called, I felt a prick of Heavenly Father’s love and concern for me.  That, in fact, He did know my name and knew who I was.  He put a lot of trust in me that I could love, teach and serve these sisters in my ward. 

I didn’t want to fail Him.  I’d spent my whole life up until then fearing I was a failure to him.  But, since He knew my name maybe, just maybe He didn’t think I was all that bad.  So I began to pray pleading for His help as I tried to deal with my fear and inadequacies of teaching.  They were my 911 calls.  I only prayed when I needed help.

I can’t help but recognize how Heavenly Father drew me in with His love.  I don’t believe I ever really knew what His love felt like before.  I’m fairly certain in my younger years, I probably felt something as I listened in primary and sang those wonderful songs that spoke about Heavenly Father and His love for each of us.  Yet, I don’t remember a single primary teacher, even though I am certain they loved me and did their very best to teach me about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I think it’s pretty sad that I don’t remember a single teacher in school or church.  I hear people talk about how they remember their 1^st grade teacher, their PE teacher, the bus driver and the lunch room ladies.  I guess I closed my heart pretty early on.

I never liked to read.  I read the bare necessities to get me through school and two short years of college.  I only read because I had to read to study in order to pass an exam or write a report.  I never found pleasure in reading.  I honestly did try to read the scriptures many times on my own, with my children or in church.  But, I didn’t understand what I was reading.  I would ask questions only to be embarrassed by what the responder made clear was such an easy thing to understand.  “What isn’t there to understand?”  Or “what don’t you get about that simple principle?” and so on.  I hung my head in shame and listened to the voices ring clear.  “You won’t ever get it, stop trying”.  I would give up. 

I heard my husband repeatedly tell stories of serving a mission in Canada and how much he learned about the Gospel.  How important and what a life changing experience those two years were for him.  I chose to get married instead of serving a mission.  Therefore the consequence of that decision was I would never be spiritually strong like my husband.  I often felt resentment towards him and resentment that I chose to get married.

The topic of the first RS lesson I was asked to teach was on a conference talk by Elder Perkins titled The Great and Wonderful Love.  The Header read:  “Childlike faith in the perfect love of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ will “divide asunder” Satan’s snares of inadequacy, imperfections and guilt”.

The bottom line, I didn’t have faith in God’s love.  I knew it existed, I just didn’t feel it was meant for me.  Preparing and teaching that lesson I was able to recognize and admit to myself that I was bound in Satan’s chains of despair.  In the process I came to understand that Satan didn’t hold me in bondage, I kept myself there!  It was all I knew and it was so familiar it felt safe.  I was so blind.  I developed at that time a determination to free myself from that bondage. 

Through the help of some good friends, Heavenly Father helped me realize that I couldn’t help others while I was still bound in Satan’s chains.  I needed to help myself first by overcoming my weaknesses.  What’s the saying, “You can’t lift another unless you are on higher ground”? 

How could I fulfill my calling to teach and lift the sisters in my ward when I was drowning in a hole of despair?

I found enough strength to reach my hand up and I felt someone take my hand.