My Accident

Yesterday, I was involved in a car accident.  Don’t worry, thanks to our loving Heavenly Father, no one was hurt, except my less than a year old Toyota minivan and my near perfect driving record.  The only other accident I had been involved in was my Freshman year of college back in 1988.

It was a typical busy Saturday full of cheer games, birthday parties, shopping for Halloween costumes, cleaning and our Ward’s trunk or treat activity.  We were on our way home from stopping by a friend’s house to get the rest of her costume as we were getting all dressed up for the Halloween activity at 5:30pm.

 

I was driving with Tara and her friend, Kami, in the back seats.  I heard Tara yell “Mom!” right as I saw a car speeding through the intersection right in front of me.  There was not a second to spare because I never saw it coming.  I rammed right into the brand new Honda Civic holding three teenage boys.  The 18 year old driver didn't even attempt to stop at the stop sign before entering the intersection where I was cruising along with no stop sign, clearly having the right of way.

The crushing sound of our vehicles colliding still rings in my ears.  I hit him right between the rear door and the back bummer on the passenger side.  I’m fairly certain I slammed on my brakes before impact but it all happened so quickly.  I can’t believe I never saw him coming, not even in the corner of my eye, only when it was straight dab in front of me, and too late.

The car with the young men weren't able to come to complete stop until going up on the curb and back onto the road about 200 feet ahead.  My van came to a complete stop upon collision yet I gradually drove it to the side of the curb moving out of the flow of traffic.  Which there was no other traffic so that was a blessing.

Luckily there was a husband and wife outside their home three houses down the street who witnessed the crash.  They came to my vehicle first.  I sat frozen in my seat.  I was in shock of what just happened.  All reasoning of what I should do next left me.  The girls behind me sat in silence; clearly they were in shock also.

I heard the lady standing at my window asking me “are you okay?” and then noticing the girls in the back seat, asked them if they were each okay?  We were all fine just shook up from the experience.  She then informed me she was calling the police for me.

The only thing I could think of was to call Boyd.  He would know what to do.  I really didn't have a clue what I should do; I was still frozen to my seat.  I knew I was less than a mile from our home and that if Boyd answered the phone he would come. 

Now the husband of the wife was at my door talking to me while his wife was on the phone.  I don’t remember what he was saying to me.  I don’t recall even telling them “thank you” for being there.  I just remember saying a couple times “why didn't my air bag go off?”  I was upset that it didn't go off to protect me during the impact.

I do remember my sweet daughter’s voice saying, “Mom, maybe you are lucky that it didn't go off.  You are so short it would have hurt you with its impact”.  I think she is right.  I believe someone, not something, was protecting all of us that day.

A second difference in the timing of the collision would have really changed the severity of the accident.  If the driver would have put on his brakes even one second before impact I would have directly hit the boy sitting in the back seat of the car. 

Boyd did know what to do when he arrived.  He talked to the young driver of the car to get his information, took pictures of both vehicles, picked up the broken car pieces in the intersection and stayed with me until the police officer arrived.  Boyd then had to leave the scene to take Dallin to pick up his car from getting his tires rotated before they closed at 5pm.  He provided the moral support when I needed it the most.

The driver of the car apologized several times.  He admitted full responsibility to me and to the officer for the accident.  He remembers his friend telling him “Hey, there is a stop sign”, yet he said “for some reason it didn’t register that I needed to stop NOW!”

The police officer was friendly and very informative through the process of paperwork we needed to fill out.  The back bumper of the brand new car still with it's temporary paper license plate was barely hanging on and the officer mentioned that it needed to be completely removed in order for him to drive away from the scene.  The officer put his gloves on and began the process of ripping the remaining pieces of the bumper off while we filled out our paperwork. 

The big outer bumper piece came off easily.  The metal beam underneath the bumper was giving him some trouble.  He struggled with it a bit before it finally gave way and it fell to the ground below.  Not without a painful price though.  I didn't notice the officer had cut his finger until I saw him in the back of his Trooper with a pile of cloth covered in blood trying to administer first aid himself.   I offered to help him, but he politely declined.  I understood why.

I don’t believe the young driver was sighted a ticket for his disobedience to the law by failing to stop.  The officer was very merciful and I believe it was due to the fact that the driver confessed, admitted his mistake and was willing to accept responsibility for the consequences of his actions. 

I feel it was a tremendous blessing that no one was injured during the collision.  I am very grateful for the wonderful couple that came running to my aid and called the police when I was frozen in fear and didn't know what to do.  I’m thankful for my husband who dropped everything to peacefully take control of the situation.  My heart is full of gratitude for the merciful police officer who suffered and sacrificed for all of us.  I am proud of the young man who confessed his sin and asked for forgiveness so he wouldn't have to face the judge for justice.

Today during sacrament meeting as thoughts of the accident were still surfacing in my mind, I was filled with gratitude and love for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  He came to my rescue when I was spiritually frozen from the consequences of my mistakes and disobedience to the laws and ordinances of His Gospel.  When I finally humbled myself and confessed my sins, I felt Christ’s perfect mercy, love and forgiveness. 

I also started thinking about an institute lesson a while ago.  We were in D & C 45.  Br. Hinckley explained the purpose of verse 3 in a wonderful way to us. It reads “Listen to him [Jesus Christ] who is the advocate [our mediator, “attorney”, the one who wants us to win on Judgment day] with the Father, who is pleading your cause before him [who wants you to be saved].”

There was commentary by Stephen Robinson in my D & C study book that helped me understand Jesus as my mediator on Judgment day.  “If we plead our own case to God at the Judgment Day, we will lose, and we will not be allowed into the celestial kingdom of God. There is only one advocate, or spokesman, who can plead our case successfully to the Father, and that is His Son, Jesus Christ. He has one invincible argument that cannot fail to convince the judge and win our acquittal. That argument is His own voluntary and infinite sacrifice, His incomprehensible agony, the shedding of His innocent blood, and His unjust death.  Jesus Christ defends us, not by citing the merits of our case, not by arguing our righteous deeds but by arguing His own merits, His own righteousness, His own perfection, and His own voluntary sacrifice. Nothing can withstand this grand, invincible argument. No other facts, logic, reasoning, or accusations overpower it. His argument cannot be resisted even by the demands of justice – for justice has been satisfied.  Jesus will accept our case and plead for us with His grand, invincible argument, however, only if we have become His through sincere repentance, if we have entered into his covenant in good faith, and if we have endured in it to the end of our lives.”

The Lord pleads our case on the basis of his merits; we are saved through his works, his mercy and grace.

And what does he require? “Wherefore, father, spare these my brethren that believe on my name, that they may come unto me and have everlasting life.”  (D&C 45:5)

My Mask

Our Stake created two new wards almost 2 months.  With those new boundary changes our ward lost several of our members and gained new ones from other wards.  My Visiting Teaching companion moved into the new ward that was created.  We were companions for several years so there was some comfort in that relationship.  We received the slips of paper with our new companionship and new sisters to visit a few weeks ago.  I know a little bit about my new companion by listening to her teach in Relief Society while I was still in there.  They kept us visiting two of the same sisters that I had before.  Yet, they gave us a new sister to visit as well.  Change is a little difficult for me.

I asked around for a couple of weeks trying to find information about this new sister on my route.  For some reason I felt I needed to know as much as I could about her before I could approach her and visit her.  I was afraid to just call her up not knowing a thing about her.  Unfortunately, as I asked around, no one seemed to know her.  She must have been a new move in to the area because it appeared even those that came from other wards didn’t recognize the name.

Or she was inactive or she was a DNC (do not contact) or she was just one of those names on our rolls that has left the area to run from the church yet her name on the rolls didn’t follow her. 

Why would I be thinking those crazy thoughts?  Am I trying to find a reason to get out of facing someone new?  Am I afraid of rejection?  Well, what if she is inactive and I knocked on her door would she slam it closed in my face? What if I tried to call her and she didn’t answer would I feel abandoned and ignored?  Or am I just afraid of having to put on my mask of being a good visiting teacher when all I want to do is hide from the responsibility. 

Heavenly Father is asking me and has helped me to take off bits and pieces of my mask and expose myself through the blog.  Why isn’t that enough?  Now, He has given me someone new and I am afraid of her like she is a scary villain out to get me.  How silly that sounds!

We have an amazing Visiting Teaching Supervisor who through emails and texts continues to encourage us to reach out to those new sisters on our route.  We all have new ones.  We have all been affected by these ward changes.  I find comfort in that because I feel like I’m not the only one struggling to reach out to the unknown, unfamiliar and potentially unsafe relationships.

After a couple attempts of leaving a message on her husband cell phone as that was the only number I was provided and going to her house unable to find her there I almost gave up.  Yet, there was someone other than my VT Supervisor leading me on to not give up on her.

On Tuesday, I checked the LDS website again thinking maybe, just maybe I could find more information about her like an email address to try.  Miraculously, there was a new cell phone listed under her name as before there was only the one listed.  So I called, left another message.  Immediately, I felt I left a silly message so I decided to text her to apologize for my message. 

A couple hours later, I received a text back.  YIPPIE!  Contact!  She wasn’t ignoring me after all.  So I contacted my companion and we set a time for a visit on Thursday at 4pm.  I was actually looking forward to the visit until my companion cancelled on me right before 4pm. 

I sat in my van all alone in front of this new sister's townhouse.  How can I go in without my companion?  I often hide behind my companion and let her do all the talking.  Whenever I talk I make mistakes just like I did on her answering machine.  I am going to be face to face all alone on this visit to the unknown.

I said a prayer asking Heavenly Father to give me the courage and strength to get out of my van and go to the front door and that I wouldn’t say anything stupid and make a fool of myself.  The still small voice came and whispered “Just Be Yourself”. 

I found some comfort in that.  Yet, what exactly did He mean.  I am not certain exactly who I am on the inside.  I have worn so many masks throughout my life.  I live and breathe and move on this worldly masquerade ball, longing to display the prettied up, the good natured, the good wife, the good mom, all the exaggerated version of myself to everyone else.  Behind my masks, I am a worried, fearful, anxious wreck of a girl.  

These masks became so natural to me that I didn’t even know they were masks.  I thought they were just part of my face.  I moved through life hiding behind the good and lived out the mess in secret.  I taught people around me that I had no needs and then I was secretly angry with them for believing me.

I believed The Lord was telling me it would be safe to take off my mask and just be myself.  He gave me the courage to get out of the comfortable hiding place of my van and walk to her door.

She answered the door and welcomed me in.  She is a young mother in her early 20’s with a one year old little girl.  The first words out of her mouth were, “we have a familiar friend, Kevin Hinckley told me to tell you ‘hi’ for him.”  Wow!  There was an instant connection that made it safe to remove my mask. 

Let me explain why, Kevin Hinckley is my therapist and now I find out that this woman also sees Kevin Hinckley professionally.  She was not afraid to take off her mask to open up and explain why she goes to him.  “I have separation anxiety, nervous breakdowns and other anxiety issues that he is helping me through”.  

Really?  Wow!  So do I!  I told her how impressed I was that she was seeking help at such a young age.  I admitted that I was 40 years old before I humbled myself and realized I needed to change and that I couldn’t do it on my own.  

I can’t explain how vulnerable I felt yet so very FREE to be myself with Rachal.  The rest of the time together was so open and honest.  There was never that dull uncomfortable moment of silence.  It was like our hearts connected and bonded together which created strength and power and unity.

I should have been embarrassed about the weaknesses and the truth I exposed about myself.  Yet, I walked away from her house after our visit feeling like I could fly.  The visit with Rachal was fun, it was bold, it was unfiltered, it was unmasked and it was safe.

The Lord made it safe to walk out from under my mask.  We do have a God who sees and cares and notices.  Behind the mask, I am just a girl who longs to believe that Jesus can and will make a difference.  Most of my life I had difficulty collecting the evidence of Him.  But now I am in desperate need of a source outside of my own ability, my own strengths and my own will.

Chances are you can relate to the hiding and the masking.  You may be hiding from something, hiding behind something, or simply hiding something.  The concept of hiding isn’t new.  It started way back in the beginning, with an apple, a snake, a lie, and a fig leaf.  The hiding has kept me silent in relationships when I could have spoken out.  It has kept me paralyzed with fear and anxiety when I could have danced in freedom.  And this prison of self-protection has kept me from receiving the boundless, unfathomable, gracious love of God.

Sixteen Small Stones

You my loyal followers have probably noticed that I have not written a post in over a week.  This really has bothered me.  Everything I have posted so far, Heavenly Father inspired and prompted me to write.  It is really amazing how He provides the inspiration and topics to write about.  Yet, after my “anxiety attack” and my battle with the adversary nothing seems to be coming to me anymore.  I’ve asked myself, “Does Heavenly Father not trust me anymore?  Or could it be that I don’t trust which voice is His anymore?”  I am certain I know the difference, yet I find myself in a battle once again within my mind…...forgetting to listen to my heart.

There is so much I would like to write about.  But, it’s not supposed to be about me.  The blog was intended to Glorify God, not me.  I am praying and asking Him what He wants me to write.  Yet……Silence.

Today, I reached out to my dear husband and a trusted friend asking them, “what is wrong with me, why can’t I write?”

Heavenly Father provided my answer through those individuals in my life.  Mortal beings provide the voice of reason when our spiritual ears are blocked by the adversaries darts of fear and doubt.

My husband reminded me of a quote from one of the General Authorities about how sometimes when the path is not lit and we are unsure of which way to go, we may need to walk in the dark a couple of steps before the path becomes clear.  I understood that to mean; A few steps in and the trail becomes clear.  Therefore, my husband was telling me, “Tresa, go ahead, just sit down, begin to write from your heart and the spirit will lighten your mind to know what direction to take”. 

Interesting enough that was the same advice my friend gave me. “My thoughts are that you MUST continue to write.  When you share the personal struggles as well as the triumphs, we can relate and realize we are never alone!  I think you need to press forward and write, write, write……YOU CAN DO IT!”

What would we do without our loving family and friends to motivate us to action?!

I was also reminded of a recent Relief Society meeting where the guest speaker was teaching us to always take what we have to the Lord and He will magnify it.  He shared the scripture story of Mahonri Moriancumer better known as the Brother of Jared in Ether 2.  The brother of Jared had followed the command from God to build barges for their journey to a promised land. 

In verse 18, “And it came to pass that the brother of Jared cried unto the Lord, saying:  O Lord, I have performed the work which thou hast commanded me, and I have made the barges according as thou hast directed me.”  Verse 19, “And behold, O Lord, in them there is no light; whither shall we steer?  And also we shall perish, for in them we cannot breathe, save it is the air which is in them; therefore we shall perish.”

Once the barges were completed he recognized they were missing a way to receive light, a way of steering and a way to breathe air inside the vessel. 

After asking the Lord those questions, the brother of Jared was instructed to make a hole in the top and bottom to receive air and that they didn’t need a way to steer the barges because He would command the winds and the storms of the sea to direct their way to the Promised Land. 

What I find interesting is the Lord didn’t answer his question about the light?  Instead in verse 23 he answered his question with a question, “And the Lord said unto the brother of Jared:  What will ye that I should do that ye may have light in your vessels?.....what would I prepare for you that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of the sea?”

The Lord is telling the brother of Jared to think of a solution to your light problem and then come to me for what I can do for you to make it happen. 

Is that not what I have tried to do?  Heavenly Father asked me to create this blog to help myself and others to reach the "Promised Land" of peace, comfort, understanding and healing.  I did what He asked me to do.  He provided the inspiration and words to uplift and encourage thus far.  Now, when I come to the Lord asking Him to provide me with more light and knowledge it’s like He is answering me back with a question.  

What do you have to offer, what can you create and what can you write so that I can bring My Light to those that follow you?  Dear child, bring what little you have to offer and I will magnify it and multiply it for good.

And that is what the brother of Jared did.  In Chapter 3 verse 1-2 “And it came to pass that the brother of Jared went forth unto the mount and did molten out of rock sixteen small stones; and they were white and clear, even as transparent glass; and he did carry them in his hands upon the top of the mount, and cried again unto the Lord, saying:”

I like that he “created” something to bring to the Lord.  The brother of Jared had an idea and he went forward and molted “created” stones out of rock.  He created some simple little white clear stones to take to the Lord as an offering, believing the Lord could do something with them to create light for the barges.

The next several verses the brother of Jared seeks forgiveness first. I will paraphrase; O Lord, do not be angry with me because of my weaknesses.  I know I am unworthy before thee.  O Lord, look upon me with pity, and turn away thine anger and suffer not that we shall go across the deep sea in darkness; but behold these things which I have molten out of the rock. O Lord, touch these stones with thy finger and prepare them that they may shine forth in darkness that we may have light while we shall cross the sea.

This next verse I love because it shows how much faith and trust the brother of Jared had in God.  Verse 5:  “Behold, O Lord thou canst do this.  We know that thou art able to show forth great power, which looks small unto the understanding of men.”

What amazing faith!  I understand now that is what I was lacking during my “writers block”.  I lacked the faith necessary to bring what I had to the Lord believing that He would touch it and bring forth light unto others.

And we know how it ends, the Lord did stretch forth his hand and touched the stones one by one with his finger and they provided light.  However, that is not all the Lord did for the brother of Jared.  Because of his exceeding faith the Lord showed his whole self unto him; his entire being not just his finger and continued to show unto him great and marvelous things concerning the Kingdom of God. 

Wow!  As I just now read those scriptures again, there is something else that stands out to me.

Verse 9, “Because of thy faith thou has seen that I shall take upon me flesh and blood; and never has man come before me with such exceeding faith as thou hast; for were it not so ye could not have seen my finger. Sawest thou more than this?” The Lord is asking him, “Do you want to see more of me?”

The Lord draws us to Him with questions.  “Do you want me to be a part of your life?  Do you want my peace?  Do you want to know what true joy feels like?  Do you believe the words which I speak?  Do you want to see, hear and feel more of me?  Do you want to be in my presence again?” 

What is your answer?  How are you responding to His call to Come Unto Me?

Listen!

Journal entry 10-15-12

After my apparent “failure” at sharing my testimony at Stake Conference I have been searching for answers to; why I think I was a failure? What caused my anxiety? Why do I think they would reject my message? I so desperately want others to feel God’s love like I have and experience a change of heart. Yet, I feel so inadequate to deliver when called upon with no preparation.

This morning I was praying, searching and reading blogs on the Time Out For Women (TOFW) website. Heavenly Father speaks to me generally through the written words so I was reading searching for His answer.

Jason Wright, the author of the very popular well known book The Christmas Jars had a short video clip of one of his speeches at a TOFW event. Early in the speech he must have been talking about some failures in finding a job or something, the video clip didn’t include that. I will quote what he said;

“All those failures, well…. it felt like they were preparing me for something; to be more in tune, to be more meek, more spiritually sensitive. I decided I wanted to write a book called The Christmas Jars. I sent it off to 20 agents and all of them replied, ‘Thanks, but No Thanks!’”

I think that is where some of my fears are stemmed from. That people will reject my message of hope, peace and love from Heavenly Father. The message of the healing power of the Savior was what I was asked to bare my testimony of. I desire everyone to have the opportunity to feel His unconditional love and I get frustrated if I can’t portray His message well enough so that people will believe it and turn to Christ and Live. 

Is that what my fear was about, rejection?

Back to Jason’s words;

“Then I began to listen! I began to listen! I began to wonder what this chronic failure meant. I tried to be less angry at them (the publishers saying “No”), and started listening more to another voice prompting me and guiding me to keep trying. To do better – not to be tougher, meaner, or thicker, but to stop and to Listen!  One of the voices encouraging me along the way was my wife who said ‘keep trying, I’m here, I’m with you, keep trying.’ And I did. The book was published because I began to listen.”

That is what Heavenly Father just told me to do is to LISTEN! He just answered my prayer.

Several people have told me “Thank you” for sharing my testimony or they say “you did a great job”. At first I ran from it. I even blocked it because I didn’t want to listen to them give me credit I didn’t deserve. Yet, now the Lord is telling me to listen to them.

Boyd wrote me an email. I blocked his words at first but now the Lord is telling me to listen to him; my closest companion.

“There is a poem which I had sent to me during my mission which essentially speaks to acceptance of yourself. I read it over and over again when I felt I was not measuring up. That’s easy to do on a mission when you have been “called and set apart” to preach the gospel (e.g. high expectations)… yet boldly preaching the gospel can be intimidating when you lack confidence because you’re not a natural teacher or “people person”, and so few people really want to listen anyway. I’ll find the entire poem when I am home next, but the first few lines go something like this.

Imagine how happy and free I could be,

If I took me a little less seriously.

If I’d laugh at my faults every once in a while,

And accept my mistakes with a shrug and smile.”

These words along with his other sweet words of comfort helped me to realize that Boyd does understand how I feel. I didn’t think he or anyone could really understand the sadness of feeling inadequate and rejected. Yet, he can relate because he had this wonderful message of the Gospel of Jesus Christ to share with the people in Canada and most of them flat out rejected him.

That was my greatest fear, standing up there trying to share my message from my heart knowing that it would probably be rejected. Boyd could relate and clearly understand the pain of apparent “failure” in our minds.

Then I went to institute and sat next to a dear friend. She leaned over and told me how much she enjoyed my testimony and that she felt it was the most sincere testimony out of all of them that night. I tried to let it sink in and not block it this time. Listen, Tresa! Then again and again, people I didn’t even know came up to me in class today because they recognized me from conference and said “Thank you for sharing your testimony”.

I guess the message I gave wasn't a failure after all.

I wonder if I was also trying to avoid people because I didn’t deserve to receive acknowledgement and praise. The message, the hope, and the healing that I received and was able to bare testimony of was a gift given to me by our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He is responsible, not me. Don’t thank me, turn to Christ and thank Him, He is responsible for the healing power.

Journal Entry 10-16-12

Today, I am realizing just how much Satan had a hold of me that night of Stake Conference.  From the second my name was called, he placed fear in my heart.  Then as I was walking up there, “what are you going to say, it better be good there are a lot of people here”.  When I said the prayer asking Heavenly Father what He wanted me to say, I heard an answer and if felt good and I was willing and wanted to share my testimony of the healing power of the atonement.  That is what held me up there at the podium even when the adversary was telling me to run. 

When I started to share what I had learned, Satan was still speaking to me.  “There are doctors and nurses out there in the audience, you better get the medical snake antidote right, otherwise they will correct you”.  I remember specifically having that voice tell me I had better say out loud, “I will probably get this analogy wrong…please bare with me”.  But a calm voice said “you don’t need to apologize just continue to speak” as if the spirit would ensure that analogy would be received correctly.  I did get the analogy wrong; I completely left out the antibody word that the blood creates as it fights the antigen of the venom.  Yet, people say, they completely understand it without the correct words.  Amazing!

A friend told me she was impressed that I would pause during my testimony as if I was listening to the spirit for what to say.  Well, to be honest I was pausing trying to decipher what the adversary was saying and what the still small voice was speaking.  It was an emotional and spiritual battle going on inside of me.

I ended my testimony rather abruptly.  There was more I wanted to say and felt I should say, but the battle was tearing me apart and I couldn't handle the pressure between the vices.  The voice saying to give up was clear.  I did give up the fight and closed my testimony quickly and sat down. 

In a sense, Satan did get the best of me because I gave in to his voice and I continued to listen to him as he was determined to speak words of failure and doubt in my mind.  Those were my feelings of failure; I felt I allowed the adversary to win.  It was not a fun battle to fight.  Satan wanted this experience to be a horrible experience for me so I would never have the courage to share my testimony again.  Well…….It is clear to me now what he was trying to accomplish and there is no way I’m going to let him win.

The Spirit obviously won the ultimate battle because when I listen more openly to what people have responded they all are saying “thank you” for being the voice to give such a message of hope.  “Thank you” for allowing the spirit to touch my heart and recognize the need for healing.  When I take “me” out of the equation and just listen I hear that the spirit did in fact do the teaching.  He was successful!  He did not fail!

Jesus Christ provided me with the healing power of the atonement to change my broken heart.  Heavenly Father provided me with the knowledge of the Serpent analogy of that healing power.  The Holy Ghost provided the voice of reason and understanding when I needed it.  God provides every provision and promise I could ever need.  Why then did I doubt His provisions and allow Satan to get a hold of me? 

Yet, I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone in that weakness of doubt.  I remember Eve in the Garden of Eden.  The very first women on earth had everything provided for her.  She even had Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in her midst daily.  Yet, she chose to focus on the one thing God forbid.  The one thing she wasn't supposed to partake of.  She forgot about every other tree in the garden that she could freely eat and partook of the one she shouldn't. 

It is very humbling to be aware of my weaknesses.  I now know something specific I want to change about myself.  I want to live my life trusting in God's provisions not my own selfish wants and desires.  That may take a long time to master and it won't be easy.  But my heart is willing because I know Heavenly Father is powerful and He will not fail.

The Healing Antidote

This weekend is our Stake Conference.  Last night Boyd and I were able to attend the adult session of conference.  The speakers and music were uplifting and inspirational.  Then out of the blue, the Stake Presidency called out names to come up and share their testimony.  My name was called!  I couldn't believe it.  I looked at Boyd to confirm was that really my name?  I am certain he could see the fear in my eyes.  That has never happened to me before.  My body was shaking and my heart was pounding.  I really don't know how my legs carried my body as I made the long walk up to the podium.  I said a silent prayer, "Dear Lord, please help me know what you want me to say".

I received a quick and timely prompting to share my testimony of the healing power of the atonement.   I stood up at the podium and looked out at the mass number of people staring at me and I wanted to turn and run.  Yet, there was something holding me there.  I do want to share my testimony.  Except, I like to write down my testimony not speak it.  It is so freeing to sit at the computer and unleash my thoughts and feelings to the buttons on my keyboard because they don't judge me.

But, all those faces staring up at me, they were going to judge my words and my feelings.  I needed to deliver something good.  Oh the pressure!

The spirit calmed my nerves a bit and I tried to speak from my heart.  How does someone adequately express how the Atonement of Jesus Christ has healed her heart?  The answer is you can't.  But, the Spirit can.  I wish I can learn to rely on the spirit to do the teaching and less on the words that come out of my mouth.

Before I even made it back to my seat next to Boyd, I was doubting what I said.  Did it make any sense?  I forgot to mention the very most important aspect of the healing.  I should have said this and I should have said that.  Oh man, I really made a fool of myself.  What are people going to think about me?

I can't really recall the message given the rest of conference because I couldn't focus on what was being said.  My mind was critical and second guessing myself.  I was repeating over and over in my head what I should have said, what I needed to say.  I couldn't face the shame and embarrassment.  I wanted to run away.

Right before the end of the last speaker, Boyd could tell I was going to make a run for it, so he put his arm around my shoulder and said "Remember that the spirit does the teaching, You did a really good job bringing the spirit with your testimony".  

I didn't believe him.  So before the closing song, I ran out of there to hide my face from the shame and disappointment.

In the hall near the exit, I pass someone I know.  Oh no!  She tries to stop me, but I ignore her and keep on walking.  I just want out of here.  Oh dear, now she is going to think I'm mad at her.  More shame.   

I hid in the back seat of Boyd's truck.  I can't leave without him and I have to hide here for a while because I remembered Boyd had a short meeting after conference. 

Through my tears, I apologize to Heavenly Father over and over.  "You gave me a chance to share my testimony and I messed it up.  I am so very sorry."  I'm safe here laying down on the seat speaking to Heavenly Father where no one can see me.

Suddenly, I hear someone calling out to me through the window.  Two dear friends of mine open the back seat of the truck and I hold up my hand telling them to please go away.  They close that door, yet open another.  The front door opens and they begin to speak words of comfort.  "Tresa, you did such a great job on your testimony". 

I'm determined to prove them wrong by explaining what I meant to say, what I needed to say and what I wanted to say but didn't. 

They continue.  "We were so excited when we heard your named called.  You were called because the Lord knows you and loves you.  We understood what you meant, we could feel what you were trying to convey.   Anyone could feel how desperately you wanted to get your message of the atonement across.  And you did."

Heavenly Father sent those two sisters to search for me just like the Shepard searches for one of his lost sheep. 

Jesus Christ stands at the door and knocks.  I'm so blessed to have let those dear friends in because by doing so I also let the Savior in.

I had recorded my testimony of the healing power of the atonement in a journal entry a couple weeks ago.  Heavenly Father is now giving me an opportunity to share it in a way I am most comfortable; by written words.

We had a wonderful institute class on a subject I have been studying lately. I am realizing that there is a difference between being forgiven of your sin and your heart being healed from your sin. Most of the time, we believe they go hand in hand. Yet, as I look back in my youth when I sinned, I remember the Bishop’s words clearly “you are forgiven”, I believe I missed the, “your heart should now heal” part. That healing can’t be given by a Bishop and it certainly isn't as easy as saying three words “you are healed” and believing it. It is a process. I believe those individuals who sin, confess, are forgiven and then find themselves fallen again a short time later are missing the “healing” balm of the Savior’s love.

I believe in my youth as I confessed my sins to my bishop I was forgiven, but I didn't receive the healing necessary for it to change my life permanently.

How can we receive the healing of our hearts that I feel is of more importance and more life changing than the forgiveness? I am still trying to figure that out exactly. But, I am getting closer because I know I am receiving it. I know I am being healed from the effects of my youthful sin. 

I am finding as I study and learn more about the Savior’s atonement more healing inside of me occurs. “For of him unto much is given much is required” (D & C 82:3). What is required of us is that we take the time to get to know the Savior, believe Him, have a personal relationship with Him which will ultimately result in us trusting Him with our broken hearts to heal. We can’t allow His atonement to heal us until we can trust Him. We can’t trust Him unless we get to know His true nature by studying His words and praying to have a relationship with him.

Ever since a lesson on Moses’ brass serpent over a year and half ago in Institute I have been intrigued by the question we were asked in class. Why did God ask Moses to put a brass serpent on his staff, the very thing that had bitten them and already killed some of them? And then Moses instructed the Israelite's to "Look at the snake and you will live".  I’ve studied the life of Moses a great deal. For one simple reason, the Israelites wandered in the desert hopeless and lost for 40 years. Well, so did I. I was spiritually asleep for 40 years going around in circles in my own personal desert.

I read something recently that has really helped me understand the healing power of the atonement.  I know my heart continues to heal as I read and understand the atonement.

These snakes that bit the Israelites were obviously venomous snakes. We know that when a snake bites you, the venom is called an antigen. When the antigen gets into the body, the body, if it has time, will respond to the antigen by creating anti-bodies. If you take the blood of a snake bite victim that has produced anti-bodies and extract and inject it into another person who has also been bitten, then in that other person’s blood this injection of anti-bodies become the antidote that saves them.

The serpent on top of Moses staff symbolizes the Savior on the cross.

When Jesus died on the cross an antigen was injected into him. All the sins of the world, that deadly venom, that antigen, mainlined right into the heart of Jesus. Our sins = poison. God allowed the antigen into his son that he might produce our antidote. If we go to the Savior and look upon His suffering so we can receive the antidote (healing), we live. “Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.” (1 Peter 2:24). Not only does the Atonement forgive our sins, it can heal us from our sins. It’s mercy!!


We literally take in (digest) the Saviors antidote when we partake of the sacrament, His body and His blood which contain the healing antidote. Wow~  The sacrament just took on a whole new meaning for me.

I also wonder if the the antidote is the Holy Ghost. I believe the Holy Ghost can be the healing balm of the Savior. The healing influence and power of the Holy Ghost can’t penetrate a hardened heart just like a syringe of snake antidote can’t penetrate and heal a rock. However, His love can though. Our Savior’s unconditional love can penetrate a hardened heart and soften it enough for the antidote (Holy Ghost) to speak truth and bring the life saving comfort that heals.

We need to be healed; it’s not enough to be forgiven. While the lamb metaphor depicts the forgiveness of our sins, the serpent metaphor demonstrates the healing from our sins. In order to heal humanity the Savior had to become the very poison that was killing us.

I testify that I have felt the healing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I have been given a new heart.  I so desperately want to help others understand and feel His love.  I wish I could pull out my heart and place it in the chest of someone who feels empty, lost or broken.  I think it would only take a second for you to feel the Savior's love that I have felt.  Hopefully, in that second it will fill your heart with the hope and faith necessary to turn and look to Jesus Christ and LIVE. 

The Forbidden Fruit

In the Bible Study class I am taking we have been studying Genesis in the Old Testament.  Today during my homework study I was convicted of a couple things.

In Genesis 3: 7 we learn the immediate result of disobedience was that the eyes of Adam and Eve were opened: they knew they were naked – uncovered, exposed before God and each other.  Therefore they quickly “sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.” 

Consciousness of guilt started a chain reaction with them.  We feel guilt because the sin was bad.  Yet, how often does that guilt turn into shame.  To me, shame comes because the feelings of I am bad sneak in after sin.  So the chain reaction of guilt and shame follow.

Adam and Eve tried to cover themselves, but fig leaves could not compensate for the loss of innocence.  

As I look back over my life, I attempted the same thing as Adam and Eve.  I tried to cover up my sins and my sense of guilt not with fig leaves but with activity.  I stayed busy with church activity and volunteer work trying to look good and not expose my sinful nature.  Nothing can cover past sins of rebellion and independence from God.

Then in verse 8 reads “And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day:  and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden.”

Adam and Eve’s guilt made them try to escape from God by hiding among the trees. 

I used the same “escape mechanism” to avoid facing up to my responsibility for myself and my actions.  I chose to live in a whirl wind of activity, pleasure, noise, anything to drown the voice of Heavenly Father calling to my conscience.  I cringed with fear and insecurity before Heavenly Father.  Sin brings this deep sense of insecurity through having given in to Satan’s temptation.

Then what happened?  “And the Lord God called out unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?”  Adam finally shows himself and justified why he hid because he was naked.  “who told thee that thou wast naked?  Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?”

What was Adam response? “The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.”  Eve’s response when asked was the basically the same, “The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.”

Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent, and it also sounds like Adam complained against Heavenly Father a bit when he said, “The woman YOU put here with me…”.  Wouldn't you think they should have at least admitted, “I did partake of the forbidden fruit” first and then explain or justify their reason for doing so?  But it was blame first and then admission. 

I confess, I placed blame on people and situations rather than accept responsibility for my rebellious teenage nature and obvious rejection of Heavenly Father’s love, promises and provisions.

I grew up with what I refer to as the China Doll Syndrome.  You probably know what a China Doll is and what they look like.  They are made out of porcelain which is fragile in nature due to the fact that they are hollow on the inside.  The doll is then painted and decorated to look so beautiful on the outside.  In my childhood, I was referred to quite often as the “China doll” of the family.  I was often told “you are the cute one in the family” while my siblings received recognition for their good grades and social abilities.  It’s interesting that when I talk to my siblings about this now, they feel they weren't smart or social and they also struggled with insecurities.  Was I trying to blame them?

Because of some abuse and criticism, I felt I was deprived of filling my soul with goodness and self-worth.  I, therefore, felt hollow on the inside like a China doll.  I didn’t know who I was.  I just knew I must be good looking since that was the only positive recognition I received.  I didn’t feel unconditional love and acceptance at home so I looked outside of the home for another type of love and acceptance.  I used the only thing I knew I had and felt accepted for.  My porcelain doll exterior.  And it worked.  I was surrounded by boys most of my teenage life.  I teetered on the fence of immorality for a while and then I fell.  I sinned and that China doll was broken. 

It’s not that I set out at such a young age saying “I am going out looking for love” today.  No, but subconsciously, I was searching for acceptance and someone to fill the emptiness I felt inside.  If you think about it this way, we all lived with Heavenly Father before we came to earth.  We were surrounded by his unconditional love constantly.  Don’t you think we would remember at least a tiny bit of what that type of love feels like when we come to earth? We desire and search to feel that love again. 

The adversary deceives us into believing that our parents love is not enough and that we should search in the world for love.  I was clearly listening to Satan's voice and not the voice of Heavenly Father.

Heavenly Father’s love was there all along…..I was just blind and avoiding it.

I was searching for that certain type of love in all the wrong places.  At my young age, I went through the steps of repentance and chose to live my life better so I could be married in the temple.  Even though, the Bishop told me I was forgiven.  I didn’t understand the true nature of Heavenly Father nor did I believe how Jesus Christ’s atonement could forgive me of my sins.  I may have been forgiven for my sin, but I wasn’t healed of my sin.  I still felt empty and lost, searching for someone who would make me feel complete. 

I believe I placed blame on everyone else and my situation rather than accept responsibility.  There is no one to blame for my bad choices but myself.  There is no real confession when you also partly blame someone else. 

Adam and Eve were given everything they needed and wanted in the garden.  They had Heavenly parents, a brother Jesus Christ, trees, plants, animals, flowers, food and water.  Heavenly Father provided it all for them because He loved them and wanted them to be close to Him and depend on Him and His provisions.  When Eve looked at the fruit, she chose to focus on the one thing God had forbidden.  The look blinded her to the fact that she was free to enjoy all the other trees of the garden. 

Likewise, Heavenly Father gave me everything I needed and wanted in my home growing up.  I had wonderful parents who loved me the best they could and in the only way they knew how.  I was provided trees to climb, plants to tend, animals to care for, flowers to smell, food and water to sustain my life in plentiful.  Yet, I chose to focus on the things God had forbidden and listen to the voice of the adversary instead of His.

God's Love Changes Us

I felt stuck in thick dark mud up to my chin wondering if anyone loved me enough to pull me free.  Yet, I think that mud was actually more like quick sand.  Most of us know that the more you kick and squirm trying to free yourself from the sand the quicker and deeper you sink.

I was trying to save myself.  I was kicking, screaming and moving about staying real busy in hopes that my actions would encourage someone to free me, to lift me out of my hole.  Most days, I was very comfortable in my hole and I didn't want to be moved.  It was a familiar place and the more I waited there it became more and more comfortable.  To come out of my hole would mean change and change was unfamiliar and probably painful.

On good days I felt this hole wasn't meant for me to stay in forever.  There was a sliver of hope that lingered in my heart that I could be set free.

I didn't know what needed to change, but I knew something had to change.  I had a good idea what....more like who needed to change.  There were many individuals that were responsible for my pain and the reason I was in the hole of despair.  Some days I felt like I was making progress pulling myself out, only for someone to inadvertently push me right back down to where I belonged.  I was determined that those individuals that hurt me needed to change and/or apologize before I could be set free to heal.

I didn't trust anyone.  Experience had proven time and again, there was no one to trust.  I was on my own.....yet my own efforts weren't getting me anywhere though.  It was a vicious cycle of doubt and fear mingled with bits of hope.

The only scripture mastery that I remember from my youth was the sliver of hope that I held onto.  It is Matthew 11:28.  "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

I was tired, exhausted really and my tiredness brought out my weaknesses in increased abundance.  I found myself more and more angry, stressed and out of control.  I had tried to suppress my pain, bitterness, resentment and anger but after time I discovered they reared their ugly heads and they sought the weakest victims to attack.  Which so happened to be those closest to me; my children and my husband.  The adversary's greatest weapon is to attack the family unit.

I didn't like who I was becoming.  I felt I couldn't control my thoughts, words and actions anymore.

I was forced to admit that I was unable to remove those destructive behaviors without help. I could not access the liberating power of the atonement without first admitting and believing I was unable to change on my own.

That was a big step for me because my pride had kept me believing I could do it on my own.  I thought I could save myself.  I was trying to earn my way to heaven.  I was attending church, serving in my callings, doing my visiting teaching and keeping the commandments.  Why wasn't that enough?

What I didn't know or believe in was love.  My heart was too full of anger, pain and resentment; there was no room left for love.

Heavenly Father's love can penetrate even the most hardened heart.  I wasn't sure then, but I know now.

So how do we let God's love in?

For me, I needed to read and pray to get to know His true nature.  I have admitted that those were my greatest weaknesses.  I didn't like to read and I didn't want to pray.  But, I did want and I did need something to change in my life.  I did approach Heavenly Father with real intent and the desire to do whatever it took to change my broken self.

I wasn't going to let Heavenly Father's love in until I could trust Him.  I couldn't trust Him until I believed in Him.  I knew of Heavenly Father because I have gone to church all my life and heard about Him.  What I did lack was a personal relationship with Him.

Since I didn't like to read and Heavenly Father knew that about me, He sent my sister to introduce me to Christian love stories to read.  Those books allowed me to step outside of my redundant life and read about love in a different way than I knew or had experienced.  A love I didn't really know existed.

I was so caught up living my life the only way I felt I deserved that I didn't know there was more out there.

By reading I learned there was more to learn about love.  And I liked what I was reading and the warm feeling I would get while I read these books.  That was Heavenly Father's first step in letting His love in. The walls I had built around my heart to protect it were slowly beginning to weaken and crumble.

Yet, I would still have doubts creep in because those were just stories.  People write love stories as a fantasy.  It was just made up to look that good.  I still never believed love could really feel that real and good.

From those books, my mother told me about Embraced by the Light, a near death experience of Betty Eaden.  Now, that book really touched me.  I started to ask myself, how can she make up those experiences with life after death and the amazing love and acceptance she felt on the other side?  That couldn't be made up, could it?  So I wanted to read more and more to just confirm to me that what she experienced and what I was feeling when I read her book was really real.  But, she wasn't an LDS author.  So then I moved on to find an LDS perspective of near death experiences.  And I found some books that confirmed the love that Betty spoke of was indeed real.

As I read these books and prayed to know if they were true, Heavenly Father’s love was healing me and changing me.  I was letting His love in gradually and I desired more of those feelings of love.  So I read more and more.  I started going to institute class where I could feel of God’s love for me through reading the scriptures.  I learned so much more about Heavenly Father’s true nature and about His PERFECT love, PERFECT mercy and PERFECT forgiveness through the scriptures. I went through the process of allowing God to shatter every false image of Him that I had created in my mind.  I was starting to see who He really is and in the process found who I really was.

I never thought I would find the time to read in my busy schedule.  But, that is the amazing blessing of how Heavenly Father changes us.  His love helped me prioritize my life by removing my desire to shop, to watch TV and do frivolous activities that took up my time.  So I found time and energy to read, study and pray.

It is God's love that changes us.  We pray asking Him to remove our heavy burdens.  We think it should be this magical experience that when we ask, the next morning we wake up and our problems are gone.  Well, it may be that fast for some, but what I am realizing that when I turn to Heavenly Father and ask, the process is different than I ever imagined.  It is His love that changes us.  When we humbly turn to Him with real desire and real intent to overcome our weaknesses, He gives us His PERFECT love, His PERFECT mercy, and His PERFECT forgiveness of our weaknesses.  

It is His love that heals our soul; our spirit and our heart.  Therefore, allowing us to find the desire, strength and courage within ourselves to overcome our weakness.  It is ultimately His love that takes away our weaknesses, while still allowing our free agency to choose to let go of those heavy burdens.  

Take My Hand

I was called as a replacement for the 2^nd counselor in the Relief Society presidency.  These sisters had been serving together over a year when I was called.

The very first meeting the President explained to me the promptings she received when she was praying to know who she should call.  My name came to her but she pushed it away because I was serving in the stake and she was under the impression stake people were “untouchable”.  My name kept coming back to her.  So she felt she would present my name to the Bishop and let him decide.  Bishop made it clear to her that he had received the same promptings.

Immediately upon being called I felt overwhelmed and terribly intimidated.  That is how Heavenly Father humbles us.  He calls us to serve in positions where we have to turn to Him, we need to rely on His strength because we are weak.  When I was told of the circumstances behind me being called, I felt a prick of Heavenly Father’s love and concern for me.  That, in fact, He did know my name and knew who I was.  He put a lot of trust in me that I could love, teach and serve these sisters in my ward. 

I didn’t want to fail Him.  I’d spent my whole life up until then fearing I was a failure to him.  But, since He knew my name maybe, just maybe He didn’t think I was all that bad.  So I began to pray pleading for His help as I tried to deal with my fear and inadequacies of teaching.  They were my 911 calls.  I only prayed when I needed help.

I can’t help but recognize how Heavenly Father drew me in with His love.  I don’t believe I ever really knew what His love felt like before.  I’m fairly certain in my younger years, I probably felt something as I listened in primary and sang those wonderful songs that spoke about Heavenly Father and His love for each of us.  Yet, I don’t remember a single primary teacher, even though I am certain they loved me and did their very best to teach me about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I think it’s pretty sad that I don’t remember a single teacher in school or church.  I hear people talk about how they remember their 1^st grade teacher, their PE teacher, the bus driver and the lunch room ladies.  I guess I closed my heart pretty early on.

I never liked to read.  I read the bare necessities to get me through school and two short years of college.  I only read because I had to read to study in order to pass an exam or write a report.  I never found pleasure in reading.  I honestly did try to read the scriptures many times on my own, with my children or in church.  But, I didn’t understand what I was reading.  I would ask questions only to be embarrassed by what the responder made clear was such an easy thing to understand.  “What isn’t there to understand?”  Or “what don’t you get about that simple principle?” and so on.  I hung my head in shame and listened to the voices ring clear.  “You won’t ever get it, stop trying”.  I would give up. 

I heard my husband repeatedly tell stories of serving a mission in Canada and how much he learned about the Gospel.  How important and what a life changing experience those two years were for him.  I chose to get married instead of serving a mission.  Therefore the consequence of that decision was I would never be spiritually strong like my husband.  I often felt resentment towards him and resentment that I chose to get married.

The topic of the first RS lesson I was asked to teach was on a conference talk by Elder Perkins titled The Great and Wonderful Love.  The Header read:  “Childlike faith in the perfect love of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ will “divide asunder” Satan’s snares of inadequacy, imperfections and guilt”.

The bottom line, I didn’t have faith in God’s love.  I knew it existed, I just didn’t feel it was meant for me.  Preparing and teaching that lesson I was able to recognize and admit to myself that I was bound in Satan’s chains of despair.  In the process I came to understand that Satan didn’t hold me in bondage, I kept myself there!  It was all I knew and it was so familiar it felt safe.  I was so blind.  I developed at that time a determination to free myself from that bondage. 

Through the help of some good friends, Heavenly Father helped me realize that I couldn’t help others while I was still bound in Satan’s chains.  I needed to help myself first by overcoming my weaknesses.  What’s the saying, “You can’t lift another unless you are on higher ground”? 

How could I fulfill my calling to teach and lift the sisters in my ward when I was drowning in a hole of despair?

I found enough strength to reach my hand up and I felt someone take my hand.

Grace

I recently read over a scripture passage that I thought I was pretty familiar with.  However, this time, there was a word that really stood out to me.  This is the story of the woman caught in the very act of adultery found in John 8.

The women was taken from that sinful bed and dragged down the street to the center of town.  And as if the bedroom raid and parade of shame were inadequate, the scribes and Pharisees thrust her into the middle of a morning Bible class.

They approached Jesus interrupting his teaching exclaiming what she had done.  They commanded that He pass a judgment.  "The law of Moses says to stone her.  What do you say?"  they asked Jesus.

The woman was guilty.  She had been caught.  She didn't have anyone to defend her, to speak up for her, no one to stand up for her.  Yet, what did she have?  

She had someone who would STOOP for her.

"But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not." (Verse 6)

I would expect him to stand up, step forward, or even ascend a stair and speak.  But instead he leaned over, stooped down where the woman was cradled in fear, guilt and embarrassment.  

The accusers grew impatient with the silent, stooping Jesus. They kept demanding an answer from Jesus.  Now He stands.....stands up to her accusers.  "He lifted himself up unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." (verse 7)

Then what did Jesus do?  "And again he stooped down, and wrote in the ground" (verse 8)  He stooped down to her again as if to protect her.  If your going to look down on this woman you are going to have to look down even further at me. If your going to stone her, you'll have to stone me too.  He stooped!

As I read this, I could hear the sounds of the stones in the men's hands drop by their feet where they stood and then one by one they walk away.  Everyone left except Jesus, His disciples and the woman.  

We make mental lists of our mistakes and sins every day.  We get caught in the very act of stupidity and anger and you have these voices in your head.  “You will never amount to much, you will always fall short”.  These voices are from the devil himself.  The devil can not take your salvation.  He can not touch your eternal destiny with Jesus Christ.  But he can take your joy.  He can take your peace.  He can take your fruitfulness and your self confidence.  He does this by reminding you what a failure you are.  His goal is to awaken you each day and march you down the street.

We are surrounded by a cloud of accusations and condemnations.  Jesus stoops low enough to come to us.  That is what Grace is.

Jesus Christ stoops to each of us and then stands right in the face of the devil himself.  He will speak up on your behalf.  Your advocate right here, right now is Jesus Christ.  (Excerpts derived from the book Grace by Max Lucado)

On Saturday the reality and truth of Grace became apparent for me once again for I was caught in the very act of sin.

It was a busy rainy cold day.  It started really early as I was volunteering at a benefit yard sale.  This was an area wide yard sale where the funds received were being given to a family whose 20 month old was diagnosed with cancer.

I served unloading vehicles and setting up tables in the dark early morning and in the rain that never let up.  I was glad to be there and serving regardless of the conditions.  However, it still seemed to drain me of my energy and strength.  I returned home just in time to help my daughter get ready to cheer at her football game. 

At that same time, my oldest son calls needing me to help him find his apartment contract so he could apply for a parking pass.  Then, we realized the gift that was purchased for a gift exchange after the football game still needed to be wrapped.

Seconds later we discover the door to the attic had been left ajar in my haste of removing tables for the yard sale.  The attic is a dark place where we had been fighting diligently to combat little furry friends that take refuge there.  The very thought of those rodents invading my living space through the door left open was more than I can handle.

I lost it!  I had what I call a Moses size temper tantrum.  I didn’t strike a rock twice like him, but I did slam a door twice.  It wasn’t pretty and my family was present lining the streets for a full view of my offense. 

As we drove to the football game, I was overcome with guilt, remorse, embarrassment, and deep sorrow for my sin. 

That evening was our annual Relief Society General Broadcast.  Prior to Saturday’s outburst I was looking forward to being spiritual fed by our church leaders. 

Saturday afternoon I started listening to the accuser’s voice ring through my head.  “You messed up big time.  You will never amount to much, why do you even try?  Why should you go listen to what you should become, yet know you will always fall short.  Don’t waste your time”

Jesus stood up to those accuser voices and acted on my behalf.  I received a text from a friend asking if I would like a ride to the conference.  The very thought that someone cared enough to offer me a ride raised me from my cradled position and helped stop those depressing voices.  I enjoyed a wonderful evening at the broadcast.

His Grace didn’t stop there.  I noticed in my absence that my husband cleaned out and organized my pantry while I was gone at the meeting.

My husband was present during my act of anger.  I am certain he was wounded by the fiery darts I was throwing.  Yet, the spirit of Jesus that is in him didn’t throw stones at me.  Instead he chose to stoop low through the pantry area under the stairs to perform a loving act of grace.  Something I certainly did not deserve.

To discover Grace is to discover God’s utter devotion to you, his resolve to give you a cleansing, healing, purging love that lifts the wounded back to their feet.  This is a gift that God gives.  A grace that grants us first the power to receive love and then the power to give it.  A grace that changes us, shapes us, and leads us to a life that is eternally altered. 

The same work God did through Jesus Christ long ago on a cross is the work God does through Christ right now in you.  Let him do his work.  See yourself for what you are – God’s personal remodeling project.  Trusting less in what you do and more in what Christ did. 

Grace.  Let it in, let Him in.

Called To Serve

I can’t hide anything from Heavenly Father – no bad habits, no toxic relationships, no secret sins.  He wants to pull me out of the mire and clean me off with His grace.  I think He is willing to take my heart of stone and put a new, grace-filled heart in its place.  Yet, I really don’t know Him, let alone trust Him with my heart.

The Lord stepped up His efforts to awake me from my spiritual sleep and gave me a calling in the Relief Society presidency.  I have come to better understand our callings to serve in the church and why we need to accept them.  We are called to positions in the church because WE, the individual, need them.  I was called to help sisters strengthen their home, their families, and their testimonies.  How could I do that when I felt my own family was falling apart?  I did not want to be a hypocrite.  I didn't want to teach the RS sisters “you need to do this and that” when I wasn't doing it myself.  These sisters were all my friends that I had known for 6 years. I immediately felt a greater love for all of the sisters and I didn't want to fail in what I was called to do.  So I needed the calling to step up and awake me.

Teaching and sharing my weaknesses in Relief Society was the start of my repentance process.  It seemed like every lesson I was asked to teach was on a subject I wasn't doing all that well on.  By teaching I learned the need to be better and I gained a desire to do better.  The sisters in Relief Society helped me start to recognize that there was more to me than what appeared and that I was trapped by Satan.  They started to give me hope that I could break free.

The RS President, Jana Wright, recognized my pain and doubts about myself.  She encouraged me to attend institute class with her.  The instructor, Kevin Hinckley has the ability to teach to my heart.  I felt every lesson was meant for me.  He helped me recognize what was inside me.  Who I am and what I am here for.   What I have now come to realize is how in tune Br. Hinckley was with the Spirit.  And that God must know ME because the Instructor couldn't have known what I needed to hear to wake me up.  Br. Hinckley among other friends were Heavenly Father’s spokesperson to get through to me.  Br. Hinckley taught me about the Savior.  I soon realized that I didn't really know Him.  I had created an image in my mind of who He was and that effected my faith in Him and my prayer life with Him. 

In my childhood and youth age, I created an image of my Heavenly Father by the relationship of those people that were close to me.  My father for instance, was a demanding and abusive father.  He was quick to punish and his punishment was hard.  He wasn't around very much and it seemed like when he said he would be at one of my sporting events...something would always come up that was more important than me.  So he was a difficult man to trust or get close to.  I turned to him only when I needed money, or to borrow the car or to fix some farm equipment that was part of my chores.  I realized that the image I created of my Heavenly Father was very similar to my relationship with my father.

I was afraid that God would treat me harshly when I made a mistake.  I didn't trust or have faith in him because I doubted whether or not I was important to Him or worthy enough.  I wondered if he would be there to hear my prayers.  I only turned to my Heavenly Father when I needed help, I called them my 911 calls (prayers).

I love my father very much and honestly never blamed him.  He was doing the best he knew how to raise us kids. 

I knew I needed to get to know the true Savior and stop believing the image I had created in my mind.  I started to read, study and pray to get to know HIM better.  What I realized as I got to know the Savior is that he had never abandoned me.  But that I, in fact, had abandoned Him.  I wouldn't allow His love and sacrifice to change me until I knew him, trusted him, and increased my knowledge and faith in Him.

I put him to the test and he put me to the test.  My Heavenly Father has mercifully shattered my personal image of Him.  I have been empowered and strengthened by Him.  If He is willing to love me and empower me then it means that a lot of my assumptions about Him and also about myself were not true.  I started to feel the seed that God planted in me.  I knew I needed to clear away the weeds of sin, doubt, fear, unworthiness through repentance and forgiveness so that seed He planted in me could nurture and grow.

The seed of unconditional love and forgiveness was planted in every one of us by our loving Heavenly Father.  It just gets taken over by weeds that smother it at times, where it can’t grow and strengthen us, where we can’t feel it and that is when we think God has abandoned us.  Heavenly Father NEVER abandon us!